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The Dumbest Kind Of Pirate

, , , | Right | April 29, 2022

I’m on the phone with an acquaintance of my boss. They want to host a server with all of the music they’ve copied from CDs, pirated, or downloaded from iTunes.

Me: “Legally, I need to sway you from starting a website that charges people to download all of the music you’ve copied off of your CDs.“

Client: “What? Why? There are all kinds of places you can get music for free. iTunes charges. I’m like iTunes!”

Me: “No, iTunes has paid for licensing to distribute the music and make a profit off it.“

Client: “Whatever, I’ll just get one of those… Now, on to the design. I want it to look exactly like iTunes so people think they are using them. Can we even get a web address that’s similar? Something like uTunes or iMusic.”

Me: “You know Steve Jobs enjoys suing people, right?“

Client: “Who?”

Respect My Time And I’ll Consider Respecting Your Needs

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2022

Client: “We’re moving to another host; you need to help us!”

Me: “I’d love to, but my wife is in labor right now.”

Client: “Do you understand our website is down?

Internet Explorer Jokes (Unlike The Browser) Will Never Get Old

, , , | Right | April 25, 2022

Client: “The site looks terrible. The columns don’t line up, and the text is all over the place. I’m seriously concerned. We had an agreement, and I will not pay your invoice until you resolve these issues.”

Me: “The site looks fine to me in Chrome, IE, Firefox, and Safari. Which browser are you using?”

Client: “I use Internet Explorer on a Mac.”

Me: “That’s a dead browser that can’t support contemporary websites. You should really use Firefox, Safari, or Chrome.”

Client: “Look, it doesn’t work and you need to fix it. Are you going to tell that to everyone else in the world using IE on a Mac?”

Me: “I honestly believe that you may be the last one.”

Neither Robots Nor Skeletons Have Hair, Though

, , , , | Right | April 23, 2022

Client: “I don’t want it to look like the conventional websites in this sector. I want something completely different and crazy.”

Me: “Okay, sounds great. Have you got any specific ideas in mind?”

Client: “I want the home page to be an illustration of a half-robot, half-skeleton woman wearing a metal bra, and it has to be sexy.”

Me: “Um, that sounds pretty cool, but I don’t see how that conveys to people that you sell hair care supplies.”

Client: “Give her scissors for hands or something. I don’t know. That’s your job.”

We Feel Suddenly Stupider And Hungrier

, , , , | Right | April 22, 2022

Client: “I would like jacklinks to all of the different things within the story.”

Me: “Jacklinks?”

Client: “Yeah, when I go to other people’s stories, there are always jacklinks that take you to different sites when you click on them.”

Me: “You mean hyperlink. Jacklinks are jerky.”

Client: “You should fix that, then. I don’t want the site to be jerky.”