Client: “I just wrote my first post on the blog you made for us. Can you publish it to all RSS feeds?”

Me: “Do you mean to publish it to your RSS feed? Because that happens automatically.”

Client: “No, I mean all RSS feeds.  Like every one on the Internet.”

Me: “That’s not possible.”

Client: “Yes, it is. I read an article about how RSS is the equivalent of newspapers on the Internet, so if I post something, everyone on the Internet should see it, just like everyone reading a newspaper would see the front page.”

Me: “Er… that’s not really true. That’s not how RSS works.”

Client: “Well then, this whole ‘blog’ thing isn’t what I paid you to do, is it?”

I’m midway through a website project for a client. I’ve gone three months with no contact from him as he has been off work on sick leave.

Client: “Okay, let’s get this site finished!”

Me: “Sure. I’m fully booked at the moment, but I’d be happy to book you in for the end of next month.”

Client: “What are you talking about? Let’s get this done by Friday!”

Me: “Well, like I said, I’m fully booked with other clients at the moment, but I’d be happy to block out some time for you at the end of next month.”

Client: “Are you f****** joking? I f****** paid you your f****** money to do this site. I come first!”

Me: “I’m afraid that as I haven’t heard from you for three months, I did have to take on some other clients in order to actually keep my business running. I can’t just blow them off. And you actually haven’t paid me in full; there’s still over £500 outstanding.”

Client: “That’s not f****** good enough.”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but that’s the best I can do.”

Client: “How about I come round there and kick your f****** head in? Would that move things along?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, no.”

Client: “Hi, I’d like you to design a website for me, but I need to borrow some money from you.”

Me: “Okay, but what for?“

Client: “I need to pay the money I owe to the last designer I hired.”

I was writing a money-back webpage for a major “eco-friendly” household cleaner brand. The client was explaining their refund process.

Client: “If a consumer wants their money back, they have to visit our site where they’ll download a printable refund form. We’ll give them an address where they can send their completed form, along with the original receipt.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it be easier to have them submit the form online?”

Client: “Well, honestly, we don’t want to make the refund process easier. That would result in more refunds.”

Me: “Right. But we are a ‘green’ brand, right? Seems odd that an eco-responsible company is asking consumers to print out a paper form and then send it through snail mail.”

Client: “Well, we’ve done this before and nobody complained, so it should be fine.”

I have a client who makes requests at all hours of the day and expects immediate results. She calls me one night at 10:30 pm.

Client: “The slideshow on my homepage is going too fast. Slow it down.”

Me: “Okay. I’m just finishing up some other work, but I’ll fix it right away.”

After only fifteen minutes, the client phones again.

Client: “It’s too slow now. Could you speed it up?”

The funny thing is, I never even got to make a single change to the slider. I left the slideshow as it was and it was never mentioned again.