The Last Days Of Rasputin

, | | Right | March 27, 2009

(I’m a graphic designer for a small sign shop. When the customer service rep leaves for lunch I’m stuck running the front desk for an hour. Since I mostly work in the back, I’m only trained on how to take orders and payments. On this fateful day the CSR was out sick and the owner had to step out for about ten minutes to run an errand. A man with a thick Russian accent steps into the shop.)

Customer: “I need these now.” *throws a book of zodiac signs down on the counter*

Me: “Okay… what is it you need?”

Customer: “These! These! I talk with your father earlier about this and I need now!”

Me: “Um… my dad doesn’t work here. Do you mean my boss?”

Customer: “Whatever. He said you have done today.”

Me:“Well sir, we are pretty busy right now and we don’t usually guarantee a sign in the same day. I could have it to you tomorrow at the earliest.”

Customer: “I need this, this and this. Now. He said he get them now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what you spoke to him about, but he will be back in a few minutes and you can speak with him personally about it.”

Customer: “I need now! He said he get them now! You go make them now!”

Me: “Tell me what you want and I will do my best to make them for you.”

Customer: “He knows. He’ll tell you. Go make them.”

Me: “I told you he is not here right now. If you want to leave the book here, I will talk to him about it and get the order together for you.”

Customer: “DO YOU HAVE LIFE?!”

Me: “Did you just ask if I have a life?”

Customer: “LIFE! LIFE! DO YOU HAVE IT?!”

Me: “Um… yeah. I have a life. It’s in the back of the shop. Please leave.”

Customer: *shouts something in Russian and storms out the door*

Coworker: “What the h*** was that all about?”

Me: “I really don’t know!”

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Amen, Part 2

, | | Right | March 11, 2009

Caller: “I’m not happy with the website.”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “It’s not reporting my usage correctly.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. Is it saying you have used more than you think you have?”

Caller: “No, it’s saying I have not used any.”

Me: “Oh, that means we were accidentally giving it to you for free. Thanks for telling me!”

Caller: “Crap! I should learn not to complain!”

Related:
Amen

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The Good, The Bad, And The Single Minded

| | Right | July 15, 2008

(A non-profit organization had asked our company to write a proposal for a web site design. I presented our proposal to a group of about 15 people, including the president of the organization.)

Me: “When you want to add a new page to the web site, you can type it here. If you want, the system can send new content to someone in your organization for review before it goes live.”

Client: “Can you give me an example of when we would do this?”

Me: “Well if you want, you can have your legal people review the new text before it goes up on the site, so, you know… you don’t get sued because of–”

President: “Sued?! Who’s suing us? I don’t want to get sued!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying your legal people could review any changes to the site–”

President: “This guy is telling me we could be sued! I don’t like this!”

Me: “No, it’s so you WOULDN’T be sued. But that’s just an example. It’s just if someone wants to read the content before–”

President: “I do not like the sound of this at all.”

(We didn’t get the job.)

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False Advertising

| | Right | January 11, 2008

(I’m sure a lot of web designers have had a version of this conversation.)

Client: “Currently we’re a small company…”

Me: “How many people?”

Client: “Four, but we’re in the process of hiring a couple of prospects. So that’s the thing, we want the website to make us look like a much bigger company.”

Me: “Like how much bigger?”

Client: “150, 200 employees.”

Me: “Okay, so…you want to make up some names to go along with those non-existent employees?”

Client: “Sure, whatever works…”

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She Uses The Google

| | Right | December 5, 2007

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big…just 2-4 pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It wont need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, well I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in ‘Dog Grooming’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about 4 days, and it has to be on Google by then also.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer, in NY, you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, well then lets go with ‘local dog grooming’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in 4 days and have it listed, by then, as the number 1 result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as ‘Local Dog Grooming’, but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site, and this is just the design and upload–this is not for the SEO you want–possibly…$250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous…I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399 and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Well can you teach me?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to 4 years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dogs hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The sh*t people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

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