Client: “Can you do SEO?”

SEO is Search Engine Optimization.

Me: “Yes.”

Client: “Can you get us a number-one ranking?”

Me: “We have in the past. What keyword phrase do you want to rank for?”

Client: “I want to rank number one for ‘Lady Gaga’.”

Me: “‘Lady Gaga’?”

Client: “Yes, she’s quite popular, and I’m sure there are a lot of searches for her.”

Me: “Yes, she is, but you won’t be able to rank number one for that term.”

Client: “Why not? Didn’t you just say you can get us a number-one ranking?”

Me: “Yes, I did, but it has to be related to your business. Lady Gaga has nothing to do with your children’s dance troupe.”

Client: “The children dance to her songs and listen to them, so we want to be number one for ‘Lady Gaga’.”

Client: “When you hover over the first word the arrow turns into a finger. Second word… finger. But, the third one, no finger. I think they should all be the same, for the sake of consistency.”

Me: “The third one isn’t a link.”

This exchange takes place five weeks after launching a client’s new online store.

Client: “You need to fix your mistake and honor your warranty — right now!”

Me: “Of course. I’ll just need some details.”

Client: “A customer sent me this message: ‘I put a coupon into your site, but I was still charged full price. Why?'”

Me: “What coupon code did your customer try to enter?”

Client: “It’s right there on his receipt!”

Me: “Sorry, but I don’t have access to his receipt.”

Client: “I’ll forward it to you.”

He does.

Me: “Okay, I see the problem. During checkout, he entered the coupon code ’10OFF’ in the field labeled ‘Shipping Address 2.’ Obviously, he should have entered it into the box labeled ‘Apply Coupon Code’.”

Client: “How are you going to fix this?”

Me: “Sorry, there is nothing I can do. This is not a fault of my programming.”

Client: “You’re terrible at honoring a warranty!”

Client: “I uploaded the Twitter background you sent over, but it’s all blurry.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll take a look… Yeah, that’s strange. I’ll create it in a higher resolution.”

I test it and send it again. An hour later…

Client: “It’s still blurry.”

Me: “I’m really struggling to understand why. It’s fine when I upload it.”

Client: “Could it have something to do with me resizing it in MS Paint?”

Client: “This HTML email template you did doesn’t work.”

Me: “But you approved it three months ago.”

Client: “Yes, but one of my staff changed it, and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, they broke it?”

Client: “No, what you supplied didn’t work.”

Me: “Then why did you approve it?”

Client: “It did work, but now it doesn’t. Please fix it now.”

Me: “You want me to fix the mistakes your staff made?”

Client: “They didn’t do anything.”

Me: “You just said—”

Client: “I need you to fix your mistake immediately.”

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