Can’t Talk You Back

| Working | July 23, 2014

(I have been working for a particular client for many years, during which time we develop a host of personality conflicts. It is rare that we do not have some kind of major disagreement. Frankly, I keep the job simply because it is regular work. Finally, I can’t take it anymore, and quit. She counters by offering incentives to stay.)

Client: “How about this: if you stay, you don’t have to talk to me for two months?”

Me: “Or, I could not talk to you for the rest of my life.”

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Is At Least Very Stupid

| Working | March 17, 2014

(I develop websites for a variety of clients. My employer does the marketing. Her clients provide details of what they need, she writes up a specification, and I implement it. One such specification, for an online school, stated ‘students must select at least three courses.’’ I implemented the shopping cart just that way. Afterward, my boss calls to complain.)

Boss: “The client is complaining that the form won’t submit unless he selects three courses.”

Me: “That’s what the specification said: ‘students must select at least three courses.’ That’s what he asked for.”

Boss: “That’s wrong. ‘At least three’ means one or more.”

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Epicenseless

| Right | September 26, 2012

(I run a web business in New Zealand, and am talking a friendly customer on the phone. Suddenly, the building starts to shake. It’s not violent, but it’s very long, so I’m not sure at first how bad it’s going to get.)

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry. There’s an earthquake.”

Customer: “Oh! Where are you?”

Me: “Wellington.”

Customer: “I’m in [town further south].”

(I don’t respond, as I’m wondering whether I should get under the desk for my own safety. I continue to hold onto the phone, when I hear the customer speak again.)

Customer: “Oh, I feel it now! Isn’t this exciting?”

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As Blank As His Brain

| Right | June 7, 2011

(I am trying to help a customer retrieve a lost page on his website.)

Customer: “So, why was my page lost in the first place?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure, sir. What were you doing before you lost the page?”

Customer: “I was editing it.”

Me: “Okay, what part did you edit?”

Customer: “Well, I edited the heading, and I noticed the page was blank when I was scrolling down.

Me: “So, why did you click save?”

Customer: “Well, I thought it would just pop back up.”

Me: “No, sir. You just saved a blank page over what you had, and erased everything.”

Customer: “Well, you guys should put that in big bold letters at the top of the page. ‘Don’t save page if main area is blank!’.”

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Intelligence Goes Into The Trash Can

| Right | October 6, 2010

Customer: “I had something typed up that I was going to send you. Tell me, how do you find a file that you’ve lost on your computer? I know it’s on here somewhere, but I can’t find it.”

Me: “Oh, well, go to the upper right hand corner–”

Customer: “I’ve tried that! I couldn’t find the file!”

Me: “Hmm. Do you remember what the file name was?”

Customer: “I don’t think it had a file name!”

Me: “Well, did you save it as ‘Untitled’, then?”

Customer: “I don’t think I saved it…”

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