I’ve created a printed document based on a client’s Word document. I’m also a web designer, but I am not involved with the client’s website.

Client: “We need to put that content online, so can you please convert the text to a JPEG?”

Me: “But if you convert the text to an image, visitors to your site can’t copy and paste the information. Also, posting text as an image doesn’t conform to the government regulations regarding web accessibility that your organisation is required to adhere to.”

Client: “Why can’t they copy and paste the text from a JPEG?”

Me: “It doesn’t work that way. Also, the text will be inaccessible to users with disabilities. Why don’t you just copy the text from your document and paste it into your content management system (CMS)?”

Client: “I only know how to upload images in the CMS. How about a PNG?”

I send a group of clients an email with links so they can share them with their Facebook fans and/or newsletter subscribers. One client responds almost immediately.

Client: “The links you sent me don’t work.”

Me: “What do you mean, they don’t work? I just tested them again to be sure. They are indeed correct.”

Client: “No, if they’re correct, they’re supposed to turn blue in my email. Can you send me the correct links?”

Me: “If you copy and paste them into your web browser, the pages will come up fine. Your email program didn’t convert them to hyperlinks for some reason, but it’s fine. I promise.”

Client: “Can you just send me the correct links?”

Client: “I want to make a social networking website which I can earn profits from.”

Me: “Can you provide me with more details? What ideas do you have?”

Client: “I want it to be like Facebook and Twitter, but people will have to pay to use it. I really can’t tell you any more than that.”

I’m a web designer. I receive a phone call from a personal trainer.

Client: “I have a website, but the guy who made it turned out to be a bit rubbish. Could you take a look at it and tell me what improvements it needs?”

I take a look and point out the many flaws. I tell him that it really needs to be redone, and I make suggestions for how to improve it.

Client: “Can’t you just add the changes to what’s already there?”

Me: “I can’t work with this. I make websites from scratch; I don’t take on other people’s code.”

Client: “I’ve already paid for a new website, so I don’t want to pay again.”

Me: “What is the budget you had in mind for the changes? Maybe we could look at getting a new site made on that budget.”

Client: “Like I said, I’ve already paid, so I don’t see why I should spend any more money at all. Can’t you just move things around a bit?”

Me: “Not for free, no.”

Client: “Why not?”

I am working on fixing a bug in the database for my client’s app on a remote server. I call my client and ask her to refrain from logging in; if she does, the code will overwrite my changes in the database.

Me: “Okay, I need to be clear. If you or anyone else in the company logs in to the server, the code will overwrite my changes in the database. That means you need to tell everyone not to log in and refrain from doing so yourself.”

Client: “No problem. I’ll put the word out.”

Me: “Great. So, everyone knows not to sign in until I give the all-clear?”

Client: “Yep! They’ve been told.”

Me: “And you’re not going to, right?”

Client: “Yes, yes.”

I get to work. After about an hour, I notice that some of my earlier changes have been reset. I contact my client again.

Me: “Hey, I noticed that some of my changes were reverted. Has anyone accessed the system in the past hour or so?”

Client: “No one but me has access.”

Me: “Then did you sign in the past hour?”

Client: “In the past hour?”

Me: “Yes.”

Client: “I didn’t change anything, though.”

Me: “So, you actually have signed in?”

Client: “Um…”

Me: “…”

Client: “I don’t know.”