Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [Company]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Channel [number] is out.”

Me: “Ah. Yes, we know about that one, and in fact, all channels provided by [Company] are out right now due to a storm on the west coast.”

Customer: “Well, when are you going to fix it?!”

Me: “Uh… There’s no telling when the storm will be over, ma’am. We just have to wait and see.”

Customer: “So?! What are you going to do about it?!”

Me: “Uh… There’s nothing to be done to ‘fix’ it, ma’am. We just have to be patient and wait for the storm to be over, and it will come back all on its own.”

Customer: “HMPH! That’s unacceptable!” *hangs up*

(I work in a physical therapy office. This week we have had a snowstorm come through our town. It is not major but bad enough to cause all shops to close on Monday in our area. My IT guy has taken over our voicemail to say, “Thank you for calling [Company]. Our office is currently closed due to the weather. Please leave your message and we will get back to you upon opening tomorrow morning at 8:00 am.” We do open the next day like planned. Halfway through my day, I get the following phone call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

Client: “Hi. Yeah. I tried calling your office yesterday to see if you were open, but the phone went straight to a recording saying that you were closed. So, were you open yesterday?”

Me: *silent as I am stunned* 

Client: “Hello? Was your office open yesterday?”

Me: “Um, sir, no, we were closed. That’s why the recording stated as such.”

Client: “Oh. Well, I wish you would have made it a little more obvious. I showed up for my appointment yesterday and saw that the office was dark. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*

Me: *bangs head on desk*

(We’re having another heatwave, which is very common in Southern Alberta. An Englishman and an American man walk into the restaurant where I work as a waiter.)

American: “I expected it to be… colder.”

Englishman: “Yeah. Are you sure we’re in Canada?”

American: “I dunno, we might be lost. I don’t see any snow.”

(The two walk up to me while I’m serving a young couple.)

Englishman: “’Scuse me, sir?”

(I turn to him.)

Me: “Yes?”

American: “Are we in Canada?”

Me: “I’m guessing you were expecting snow, beavers, maybe an igloo or two?”

(They both nodded. Feeling like being “funny,” I was about to tell them, “No, this is still the States; keep heading north,” but before I could respond, the Englishman whispered something to the American. He then pointed up to a plaque featuring the Canadian flag and its anthem. They both turned extremely red and ran out.)

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(I’m working in a library in southeastern Virginia in the summer of 2005. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, there’s a lot of national outpouring of support and sympathy, and one of our regular patrons has booked a memorial service in one of our meeting rooms for the victims of the hurricane. It’s a violation of library policy to use the room for a religious service or anything of that nature, but this is out of my hands at my level, so what can I say? Everything seems mostly above-board until…)

Man: *walking into the library in the business uniform of the local funerary service* “Hi. We’re here for the afternoon service!”

Me: *not hearing him well at first* “I’m sorry, sir, what?”

Man: “The funeral service? Under [Patron]? Where did you want us to put the casket?”

Me: “Sir, THE WHAT?” *at this point, I’m sure I’ve heard him correctly*

Man: “We have a service for this afternoon for [Same Surname of Patron but different first name] at [time]? It should be on the schedule.”

Me: “Sir, let me get my manager. I think there’s been some confusion.”

(I go and talk to my manager in their office and at the mention of, “They want to know where we want them to set the casket,” their eyes get wide and they rush out front to handle it. When they come back:)

Manager: “They were deceiving us to get the library to host a funeral for the woman’s daughter who recently died, and is in no way connected to the hurricane!”

(This woman was legitimately attempting to get our library to hold the funeral for her for free by claiming it was a kind-hearted effort to remember the unfortunate victims of a natural disaster. Sadly, we had to turn them away because we couldn’t really allow a human corpse onto library property for policy reasons and the meeting room was booked under duplicitous circumstances. Unfortunately, these patrons had slightly used up a lot of their goodwill with library staff by coming in smelling offensively, and despite numerous private requests by management to discontinue doing so, turned in every batch of DVDs they would check out with live cockroaches living in the cases, causing the cases to have to be fumigated and aired out, and the unfortunate hitchhikers exterminated. To this day, we have no idea what they did as far as holding the funeral service after the library had to ask them to leave.)

(I work for a company that does the kitchen installs for a large chain big box store. My city is currently experiencing catastrophic flooding and is in a declared State of Emergency. It is first thing Friday morning, and I’ve been asked to contact our customers to cancel all appointments for the next few days. I leave a message for this particular customer and receive the following call back:)

Me: “Good morning, [Company Name], this is [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “I received a message about my install? Something about canceling?”

Me: “Yes, because of the state of emergency and the road closures, we are currently canceling all appointments. I will be contacting you on Monday to reschedule.”

Customer: “No, I cannot wait! I’ve waited too long for my kitchen already; you have to send someone!”

Me: “Ma’am, the installer scheduled for today has been evacuated from his home due to the flooding. He has to take care of his family now. Due to the road closures and current driving conditions, it is unsafe for any of my installers to be on the road, so all appointments are being cancelled.”

Customer: “Then I want my install Monday! This is terrible. You can’t keep me waiting!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have no way of predicting whether or not the situation will improve over the weekend, and I can’t guarantee a Monday appointment. I will contact you Monday to reschedule.”

Customer: “Fine, then! I will be calling [Store] to complain! You’re terrible! I can’t wait another week for my install! I’m going to demand a discount for this!”

Me: “You do whatever you feel you have to, ma’am.”

Customer: *click*

(It’s worth noting that at the time this conversation took place, nearly every major roadway in my city had closures, our entire downtown core was flooded out, and about 100,000 people had been evacuated from their homes!)