The Eventual Heat Death Of Their Brain

, , , , , , | Working | June 29, 2018

(I work in a hotel. I am Australian, living in London. It is currently a “heat wave,” around 30° C [86° F], and I am working a canapé reception. The manager gathers us before the guests arrive to give a small briefing.)

Manager: “And lastly, you’ve all noticed it’s quite hot today. Please keep the doors to the staff areas shut as much as possible; we have the air conditioners on, but this is all the cold air we have. We don’t want the guests getting too hot.”

(Several of my coworkers are nodding seriously in agreement. One of the only other Australians leans over to me:)

Coworker: “‘All the cold air we have’? So, who wants to tell him that’s not how air conditioning works?”

Tornadoes On Aisle Four

, , , , , , , | Friendly | June 28, 2018

(I am watching a video of the aftermath of a tornado after it directly hits a [Giant Retailer]. My friend, who works at [Giant Retailer], is chatting with me over instant messenger, so I send him the video. It is important to note that he lives in South Carolina.)

Me: *jokingly* “So, what’s the [Giant Retailer] code for, ‘Oh, s***, a tornado!’?”

Friend: “I… don’t know for certain, besides the usual shelter-in-place routine, you know, finding a nice, safe, empty room or hall — with no windows or anything — to sit and put my head between my legs in. We only ever had the one thing happen not long after I started. Store-wise, though, we shut down. Everyone already in the store needs to get ready to shelter in place if the tornado actually hits; anybody trying to come in after we shut down needs to go back home, ‘cause we ain’t opening the doors until it passes… Yeah, we literally had a guy demanding to be let in for ‘one thing’ that time.”

Me: “That joke flew so far over your head, it’s somewhere between Neptune and Pluto.”

A Storm Of Crazy Requests

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2018

(It is pouring rain outside, and our area is under warnings for severe storms. There have been tornadoes touching down in a couple of nearby towns, but nothing close enough to us that our shop would close. It is raining so hard that we can only see several yards outside of the windows, with thunder loud enough to shake the small front office building at times, and bright, frequent lightning. In the middle of this torrential downpour, a customer pulls his car up in one of the parking spaces near the office door and runs inside.)

Customer: *with water dripping off his jacket to puddle on the floor as he comes to my reception desk* “Hi, can someone come outside and look at my car? I need an estimate on repairs.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we won’t be able to right now. Would you like an appointment for later in the week?”

Customer: “You mean no one can step outside right now?”

(He eyes my coworkers at their desks on the other side of the office.)

Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry. It’s a hazard for our team. Plus, it’ll be hard for them to really see everything that needs fixing in this rain.”

(I chuckle politely, but I’m thinking of the dangers involved in standing in the middle of an open parking lot with all the lightning flashing, not to mention the pouring rain and the hail and tornado warnings going on.)

Customer: “But I’m here now!”

Me: “Sir, there is no way I can send any of our team out there in this weather. We’d love to help you once it clears up, though.”

Customer: “I want to talk to someone now. It’s just the side of my car that needs fixing; it’s not a lot!”

(One of my coworkers comes over, all of them having heard the exchange. He tells the customer the same thing I did, then peeks out the window to try to see what the car’s damage looks like.)

Coworker: “From here, I can tell you that you’ll need…” *lists multiple pieces for the car, including a hood, a headlight, and several things on the side of the car* “And that’s not counting anything internal. You’re looking at least [high dollar amount] for all of those. If you want to come back later, we can definitely write it all up for you and get an exact price.”

Customer: “That much?!”

Coworker: “Yes, I’m afraid so.”

Customer: “Man, I thought this was going to be easy!”

These Puns Are The Real Horror Story

, , , , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(There is some really thick fog this night, and I just finished carrying out an order for a customer to their car. I come back in, and a coworker friend from another department is in my department looking around. I walk over, and we go to lunch a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “What were you outside for, by the way?”

Me: “Oh, just bringing out an order to a customer. It was small, so I didn’t mind.”

Coworker: “How bad is the fog out there?”

Me: “It’s like Silent Hill kind of thick, again.”

Coworker: “When it’s thick like that, I try to catch it, but I always mist.”

(I dropped my spoon, and my coworker friend and I burst out laughing. We will both always laugh at even the worst of jokes and puns, and I hadn’t heard that one in a while. When we both walked out that night, we were trying to catch the fog like children, but always mist.)

Wait For A South-Westerly To Blow It Back

, , , , , | Working | June 1, 2018

(My niece’s birthday is in January, and for her birthday present, my sister offers to order her a customized ring. It takes my niece a while to decide, but they put the order in right before Valentine’s Day. Finally, at the beginning of March, the ring is shipped out and set to be delivered to the apartments where my sister and I live. Unfortunately, the delivery date happens to be the same day the east coast is slammed by a nor’easter.)

Sister: “Did you happen to bring in a package for me today? A small one, probably less than a pound?”

Me: “Uh, no? Why?”

Sister: “I was expecting [Niece]’s ring today, and I got an email saying it was delivered around five o’clock today, but I can’t find it.”

Me: “It wasn’t between the storm door and front door?”

Sister: “No, it wasn’t, and the tracking info says it was left on the porch.”

Me: “What? In these winds? There are news reports of the winds knocking down entire trees around town! What kind of idiot leaves a one-pound package on an exposed porch in a nor’easter?!”

Sister: “Your guess is as good as mine.”

(Needless to say, my sister now gets the joy of jumping through hoops to get a replacement.)

Page 5/13First...34567...Last