Frozen In Your Stubbornness

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 16, 2019

(I drive my partner to and from work so I can have the car all day. Our car doesn’t have a roof, so it can get pretty cold when it’s windy. This is fine in the summer. When autumn rolls around, however…)

Me: “Do you want to take a jacket?”

Partner: “Nah. It’s only a 15-minute ride. I’ll be fine.”

(My partner is shivering by the time we get there. Nine hours later…)

Me: *on the phone* “I can bring you a jacket.”

Partner: “Nope!”

Me: “It’s evening. It’s going to be much colder.”

Partner: “I’m fine!”

(My partner shivers the whole way and wraps up in a blanket when we get home. I eventually stop asking; I figured my partner will break faster if it isn’t “my” idea to bring a jacket. Two weeks later…)

Partner: “Oh, and don’t let me forget to grab a jacket!”

Me: “I thought you said it wasn’t needed for a 15-minute ride?”

Partner: *sheepish* “I… may have been a bit stubborn…”

Me: *hugs* “I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself now. I don’t nag because I hate you, you know. It’s not a contest.”

Partner: “I know…”

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A Hurricane Of Stupidity

, , , , | Right | April 19, 2019

(A famous US retailer closed a number of its stores earlier this year, including the last one in our city. I take a temporary job there working the final clearance sales. This takes place during our final week, a few days after Hurricane Harvey hits Houston. Our city is hours north, in the next state, so the weather doesn’t affect us. A customer has two common questions.)

Me: “Hi. How may I help you?”

Customer: “When is [Store]’s last day?”

Me: “It’s [date], this coming Sunday.”

Customer: “Okay. What are you doing with the stuff that doesn’t sell?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I haven’t been told yet. I can get a manager if you like.”

(I don’t expect to be told since I am not involved in that aspect of the closure.)

Customer: “Oh… you know what should be done with it? Send it all down to Houston. The victims need the help; they can use all this.”

Me: *resists the urge to roll eyes and forces self to use a polite tone* “Yes, ma’am. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(What was she thinking? The whole store is almost empty and 90% of what we have left isn’t merchandise; it’s movable racks and a couple of display tables, mostly empty. I moved from Florida, where serious hurricanes are a fact of life, and have been through them. Believe me, store fixtures aren’t what those poor people need.)

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I Am An Officer Of The Thaw

, , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2019

(A few days ago, my friend’s car died in the snow. Luckily, they were on a country road really close to a small neighborhood, because they didn’t have a cell phone with them. Hearing this from them made me a little paranoid about getting stranded myself. I am driving between my town and one about forty minutes away on a deserted stretch of highway. Snow is lightly falling and there is no one around, so when I see a car sitting off to the side, I am immediately worried that they are stranded. I pull carefully off to the side behind them, grabbing my phone, and hop out. As I get closer, I realize that their engine is running, even though the lights are off, so I think maybe they’ve gotten stuck. I hike up to the window and bend down and knock. After a second, the window rolls down to reveal two uniformed patrol officers staring back at me. The snow piled up on their car meant I didn’t recognize it as a police car.)

Officer #1: “Can we help you, ma’am?”

Me: “Oh! Sorry, I was worried that you were stranded and might need a lift or help to call someone.”

(The other officer bends over and starts giggling, while [Officer #1] struggles to keep a straight face.)

Officer #1: “No, ma’am. We’re fine.”

Me: “Okay. Well, keep warm.”

(He just nodded as he rolled up the window, and I hiked back to my car. My husband giggled about as hard as that officer when I told him the story after getting home.)

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Good Lord, What Weather!

, , , , | Friendly | April 3, 2019

(We live in the heart of the Bible belt. My son and I are heading down the highway on a miserable day. The mix of ice and rain has been falling for hours. He had come to pick me up so that I didn’t have to drive. Traffic is understandably slow. As we creep along, we see the slowdown is caused by a car askew on the shoulder. My son pulls over, and we get out and approach the car.)

Son: “Is everyone okay?”

Driver: “Yes. It’s just me. The car skidded and now I’m stuck. One back tire is off the pavement and the other isn’t getting traction.”

(My son goes back to his car and pulls out a bag and a tarp. He pours kitty litter around the wheel on the pavement and stuffs the tarp under the wheel in the mud.)

Son: “Start it up and try moving very slowly.”

(The driver does this while my son and I push, and the car crawls back up on the pavement. My son collects the tarp, shakes off some of the mud, and puts it and the bag back in his trunk.)

Son: “Okay. Good luck with your journey. Be careful.”

Driver: “Oh, thank you! This is proof of God. I prayed for help and you were an answer to my prayers.”

Son: “That’s great. God sent you a couple of atheists because even he knew all the good Christians would leave you on the side of the road.”

(With that, we drove off, getting safely into town.)

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Will Help Y’Allah Out

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 23, 2019

(It has snowed several inches and the apartment parking lot is not plowed. I have gone out to help my wife free her car. Then, I see several of my neighbors, who are Muslim, trying to push and rev their car out of the lot. Another woman comes out to help, as well, and gets behind the wheel.)

Woman: “Okay, guys! Almost out! Hope to… whatever god you have… that this works!”

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