Like most places that are part of the city government, our public library does close if there are catastrophic weather conditions, like hurricanes or blizzards. We have also closed during the summer when the HVAC broke down and temperatures had climbed past 100.

Naturally, the staff kind of enjoys the unexpected time off, but the ones who really celebrate are our pages — mostly high school students — who watch for every possible upcoming disaster to see if there will be time off. But that’s only for disastrous conditions.

And then, there was Sparky. Sparky (not his real name) was a good worker — when he was working. Most times, though, we all got our exercise looking for Sparky. He was either late or often a no-show, and his excuses included the usual sick grandparents, wrong buses, getting lost, etc. But it takes so long to get new people to replace the ones we have that no one had the desire to fire him and go through the process.

One day, there was a steady rain — not too unusual for April — and there was no Sparky. At last, the reference desk phone rang and my coworker, who was also in charge of the pages on our floor, took the call. As he answered, he looked at me and rolled his eyes.

Coworker: “Hello, Sparky! We were getting worried.” *Pauses* “Uh-huh.” *Pauses* “No, the library isn’t closing.” *Pauses* “Why did you think we would close?” *Pauses* “No, we don’t close for spring rain showers.” *Pauses* “No.” *Pauses* “Yes, we did close for the hurricane, but that was, you know, a hurricane.” *Pauses* “Nope, not for rain. I understand you don’t drive. How about taking the bus?” *Pauses* “Do you own an umbrella?” *Pauses* “Then you can stand at the bus stop with the umbrella and you won’t get wet.” *Pauses* “I see… Well, then, Sparky, tomorrow it’s supposed to be nice. I recommend you come in and get your last paycheck because you are fired.”

He hung up, looked at me, and shrugged.

Coworker: “Apparently, we are only open when the weather is nice. Maybe Sparky melts if he’s out in the rain?”

It took months to replace Sparky, but we didn’t really miss him. In fact, not having him around was pretty much like having him around.

I am taking bookings for our restaurant. It is currently late June.

Customer: “I want to book your terrace for an event in September, but it needs to be sunny!”

Me: “Well, we can certainly make a reservation for you, but we can’t guarantee good weather.”

Customer: “Then who can?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but you’d have to talk to someone from the future to find out.”

Customer: “Well, can you call them?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “So lazy! Fine! Give me their number; I’ll call them!”

I work at an automatic car wash/detail shop. Our car wash is set up where we send the car down a tunnel where it is washed, and the employees hand dry the car after it goes through the tunnel.

Today, it’s just pouring rain outside and some guy thinks it’s a good idea to get his car washed in what is basically a tornado. We wash the car, pull it out of the tunnel up to the front door, and tell the guy his car is ready.

As he is getting ready to get in his car — it’s still pouring, mind you — he looks at me and asks:

Customer: “Why didn’t you guys dry it?”

I shook my head and walked away.

I work at a bookstore chain in both the book area and the attached chain café. While I love the job in general, I also now have a very real understanding of how crazy people can actually be.

One of our regulars in the café has been giving all of the baristas crap for about as long as she’s been buying coffee from us. She always tries to start fights, and when we ask her what is wrong she just says something along the lines of, “You know what you did!” even though we usually have no idea.

One day, she comes in and orders her usual, and the barista making her drink starts casually chatting about the weather with her. It was kind of cloudy and rainy out today, but it’s not too bad.

The customer immediately tries to start a fight.

Customer: “You’re wrong! This weather is terrible!”

Barista #1: “Well, I like this weather, and so do a lot of other people. It all depends on your preference, I guess.”

Customer: “You have no idea what you’re talking about. You shouldn’t be fighting with the customer because the customer is always right.”

No, really, she said that.

Apparently, the customer’s opinion on the weather is also the only right one. She finally leave with her coffee, sufficiently pissed at one of the sweetest girls I work with.

THE NEXT DAY, she comes back again for her usual, and who should be working but the barista who dared to argue with her. Another barista who knows the story decides to take over her order and makes the mistake of trying to engage in polite conversation.

The woman keeps glaring at the girl she fought with yesterday and tells [Barista #2]:

Customer: “I just don’t know what to do.”

Barista #2: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “I have the feeling that if I talk to [Barista #1] again, I’ll punch her in the face.”

[Barista #2] immediately calls a manager to tell them everything that has happened so far. The manager approaches the customer.

Manager: “I’ve been waiting a long time for you to do something like this. Threatening an employee is something I can finally act on. You’re banned for life. Please leave and never come back.”

The customer glared but complied. It was almost as if she was used to being banned from places.

During a summer session at the university I attended, one of the students organized a trip to nearby Lassen Volcanic National Park. The park is at a relatively high elevation, and the organizer did not realize that this meant that, even in late June, much of the snow would still not be melted.

When we attempted to visit the geothermally active area called “Bumpass Hell,” which features mud pots, boiling springs, and fumaroles, we found that the trailhead was inaccessible, blocked by about a foot and a half of snow.

When we returned to the school, we were able to report, in all honesty, “We tried to go to Hell, but it was closed because it had frozen over.”