The Store, My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind

, | Right | June 12, 2009

Customer: *on the phone* “I’ve been trying to order a book from your store in Palm Harbor for the last two days, but they never pick up the phone!”

Me: “Okay, what number are you calling?”

(The customer gives me the number and I check our records. She has been calling the right number.)

Customer: “I’ve been calling and calling and they never, EVER answer! It’s so unprofessional! I need you to contact them for me.”

Me: “Well, to be honest, if they never pick up for you, they’re not going to pick up for me either, but I’ll see if our manager has a suggestion.”

Customer: “Well, obviously you should try calling on the employee line!”

Me: “We don’t have that, ma’am. We call each other’s stores with the same numbers you’re using.”

Customer: “When you get through to them, tell them I want them to order this item…”

(The customer gives me all the book information and her phone number, then proceeds to complain about how frustrated and angry she is about our company’s terrible attitude. I talk to my district manager, who gives me some very important news. I relay the following to this woman’s answering machine…)

Me: “Hello, I’m calling you back about the item you wanted ordered from another store in our chain. Unfortunately, we’ve just found out that our Palm Harbor store was blown away in the recent hurricane. I’m sure this is why they’re not answering their phone. Please give us a call back any time, and let us know if we can assist you further. Have a nice day!”

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Soggy Software

, , | Right | March 9, 2009

(This call came in shortly after Hurricane Katrina.)

Customer: “My computer isn’t working.”

Me: “It’s not working, or your service isn’t working?”

Customer: “My computer itself will not turn on.”

Me: “Well, since it’s not a service-related problem, I can’t really help you with fixing it. When was the last time it worked?”

Customer: “Well, we had to evacuate for a few days, and then we came back to clean up. I fished the computer out of the swimming pool and let it dry out, then got it hooked back up.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”

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Your Forecast For Today: Dark

, , | Right | January 14, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Technical Support]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I have this error stuck on my TV screen — ‘Acquiring Satellite Signal.’  How do I fix this?”

Me: “I show from your account info that your area is undergoing a hurricane. Are you having bad weather now?”

Customer: “It’s raining and windy.”

Me: “Well, the rain and cloud cover are going to block your signal until the storm passes. The weather reports show that this is a major storm; have you considered evacuating for your own safety?”

Customer: *angrily* “How do I know if I need to evacuate when the TV only shows me this ERROR?!”

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Beefed-Up Technology

, , | Right | January 9, 2009

(I am a customer at a cell phone store, observing the following exchange.)

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but your phone has water damage, which isn’t covered by the warranty. You will have to purchase a new phone.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I haven’t gotten the phone wet!”

Employee: “Have you used the phone in the rain? Sometimes, that’s all it takes to get the internals wet enough to damage the device.”

Customer: “Well, yes, but that doesn’t make any sense! Cows are in the rain all the time and they don’t die!”

Employee: “…”

Me: *interjecting* “Sir, cows aren’t electronic devices.”

Customer: *storms out*

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Customer Service, God Speaking

, , | Right | August 14, 2008

(I’m working at the library; it’s cloudy and raining outside.)

Patron: “Can you do something about all that noise?”

Me: “Is the AC too loud? Maintenance isn’t here today, but I can give you some ear plugs.”

Patron: “NOT THAT!  The construction! Tell them I’m trying to work!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no construction.”

Patron: “That rumbling!”

Me: “You mean the thunder?”

Patron: “Whatever. Tell them to stop.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really have no control over nature.”

Patron: “Ugh, you people! You can’t do ANYTHING!”

(Sadly, this man is a doctor.)

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