Being Shorts With Mom

, , , , | Related | September 28, 2017

(My father passed away shortly before Labor Day, so my mother [his ex-wife] and I have driven to Tennessee together for the funeral, and to bring back several antiques that he was storing for me after his parents died. All throughout packing for the journey, Mom has been insisting I pack shorts. I don’t like wearing shorts, and instead pack jeans.)

Mom: “[My Name], you’re going to burn up! It’s going to be just boiling when we get there!”

Me: “Eh. I’ll be fine.”

Mom: “Just one pair! You’re going to be miserable, and I don’t want to have to put up with your complaining!”

Me: “Whatever.”

(And wouldn’t you know it, for the entire 900-mile trip up there it is cold, wet, and miserable. I, in my jeans, am perfectly fine, while my mom is complaining about how cold it is. We are there for three days, and only on the day of the burial is it nice and sunny.)

Me: “’[My Name], please. Bring shorts. It’s going to be so hot. You’re going to be so miserable. I don’t want to hear you complain.’”

Mom: *laughing, and trying to sound angry* “Shut up. If you don’t shut your mouth, I’m going to kick your a**!”

A Hurricane Of Ignorance

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2017

(I am calling my insurance company to report damage from Hurricane Harvey. I live just outside of Rockport, the town where the eye went in.)

Agent: “I understand you are reporting damage from a wind event?”

Me: “I guess you could call it a ‘wind event,’ sure.”

Agent: “Do you know the date of the wind event?”

Me: “Friday night. August 25th.”

Agent: “And do you know what time the damage occurred?”

Me: “All I know is it was Friday night and into Saturday morning.”

Agent: “It would be helpful if you could narrow it down a bit more.”

Me: “You could probably call the Weather Channel and ask what time Harvey made landfall. It was right about then, you know, since the damage was caused by the hurricane.”

Raining Outrageous Requests

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2017

(Due to the fact that it is SUMMER, and FLORIDA, we are having our afternoon rain shower…)

Tourist: “Hey! You!”

Me: “Yes, sir? Can I help you?”

Tourist: “Yeah, you see, I am from Brazil, and I brought my family here to enjoy the park, but it is raining!”

Me: “Oh, yes, well, Florida showers normally are pretty short.”

Tourist: “I can’t believe this! I thought this was [Park]! It can’t rain at [Park]! Who do I need to speak to about this?!”

Me: “Well, sir, it does actually happen quite often, and if you really wanted to talk to someone, I would recommend talking to God, as He is the only one who can get the rain to stop.”

(The tourist walked away sputtering about “Terrible Customer Service” and how they “can’t believe it’s raining!”)

Oh My Zeus!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 13, 2017

(I’m sitting at a friend’s house on a stormy Saturday night. There are usually several people around on the weekend, but no one else is out during the storm. We are sitting at the kitchen table, discussing how boring it is.)

Friend: “I wish it’d f****** stop raining.”

Me: “Yeah. What a crappy night.”

(Suddenly, my friend jumps up from the table and throws open the back door.)

Friend: *flips off the storm* “F*** you, Zeus!”

(Almost instantly, a lightning strike hits very close to the house and the thunder is almost deafening. My friend closes the door, turns around, white as a sheet, and sits back down.)

Me: “Don’t you ever do that again.”

(He and I both worked with electricity and electronics. After that, anytime something went wrong and created a spark, we said that Zeus was angry.)

Not Exactly Snowed Under With Customers

, , | Stoneham, MA, USA | Working | November 21, 2016

(It’s Valentine’s Day 2014 and a massive blizzard has struck, with snow coming down and the streets becoming increasingly dangerous. I’m supposed to work from one pm to close, but my manager gives me a call around noon.)

Manager: “The roads are pretty slick and there aren’t many customers in, so don’t bother coming in right now. I’m sure corporate is going to let us close early because of the snow, but I’ll give you a call around four to let you know.”

Me: “Sure thing. I’ll be ready if you need me. Stay safe.”

(At four, my manager calls again.)

Manager: *annoyed* “So, despite the storm, every other store in the plaza closing early, and us having virtually no customers for the past three hours, corporate is insisting we stay open. I’m really sorry. Could you come in at five so I can have a dinner break? It’s going to be just the two of us tonight. I told [Coworker] to stay home, but I need another person, and you live much closer than she does.”

Me: “I understand. It sucks, but what can you do? I’ll be in in an hour.”

(I leave early due to the slick roads, but even though I only live 15 minutes away, it takes at least twice that time to get there. For the next four hours, my manager and I putter around an empty store, only having two customers the whole night. After we officially close, I’m leaning on the counter while my manager counts the registers. We haven’t even made $100 for the whole day.)

Manager: “So, think it was worth corporate dragging you in here?”

Me: “I work barely more than minimum wage, and they paid me more for four hours work than we made in that time. The only two customers we had were heading out to celebrate Valentine’s Day, and were only here because her dress ripped. Add in your salary, heat, and electricity, and I’m pretty sure they would have been better off setting a bag of cash on fire.”

Manager: “At least you got paid?”

Me: “Not enough to cover my funeral if I die getting home.”

Manager: “Yeah, I know. Considering corporate HQ is in New Jersey, you’d think they’d understand no one in their right mind shops for clothes during a New England blizzard.”

(That winter ending up being one of the worst, with over a foot of snow coming down every week. Thankfully, corporate wised up and let us close, but I’ll never forget their initial idiocy.)

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