I’m a substitute school bus driver. While most students behave well on the bus, there are a few who have some trouble.

One day, I have a thirteen-year-old student yelling and being disruptive. After a few warnings to keep conversations quieter, I pull the bus over onto the shoulder and walk back to him.

Me: “It’s getting awfully loud back here; I need you to come and sit closer to me. You can make sure I’m following the route correctly.”

Usually, giving disruptive students a “job” helps them behave better.

Student: “Okay, fine.”

He follows me to a seat near the front, but instead of having fun telling a grown-up what to do like most other students, he continues to annoy the other students around him. I decide to try distracting him.

Me: “[Student], do you know what the loudest animal in the world is?”

Student: “No, I give up.”

Me: “Blue whale. Do you know how long it takes light to travel from the sun to Earth?”

Student: “No, but do you know what a Deinonychus is?”

Me: “That’s my favorite dinosaur — a dromaeosaur discovered in the 1960s by John Ostrom that revolutionized the way we view dinosaurs as active, warm-blooded animals. I know what it is, yes. And it takes almost eight and a half minutes for sunlight to reach Earth.”

Student: “Um… What about Stygimoloch?”

Me: “A Cretaceous ornithopod that’s recently been thought to be a juvenile form of Pachycephalosaurus rather than a distinct species.”

[Student] is no longer disruptive, just curious.

Student: “How did you know that?”

Me: *Friendly tone* “I’m wearing Triceratops earrings and a Tyrannosaurus necklace. I like dinosaurs. You can’t out-dinosaur me, but you’re welcome to try.”

He was indeed unable to stump me on dinosaur facts, but trying kept him distracted until we got to his bus stop!

This story is part of our Best Of October 2020 roundup!

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I am out for a walk in my neighborhood, rolling my eyes at all the cars blazing past well over the speed limit. I notice one car going a sane speed, and it happens to have a pizza delivery magnet on the top. I call the store.

Worker: “[Pizza Place], is this for carryout or delivery?”

Me: “Neither, I just wanted to compliment a driver. Is there a manager I can talk to for a moment?”

Worker: *To the manager* “She wants to talk to you; says it’s a compliment for a driver.”

Manager: *To the worker* “Ugh, another— Wait, what? Compliment? Are you sure?”

Worker: *To the manager* “That’s what she told me. Here, she wants to talk to you.”

Manager: *To me, a little hesitantly* “Hello, you wanted a manager?”

Me: “Just wanted to tell you your delivery driver in [make and model of car] is doing a great job observing the speed limit. None of the other drivers are.”

Manager: “Wow, no one ever calls except to order or complain. I’ll let the driver know, thanks!”

This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for October 2020!

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I am a female cashier. Customers can collect bonus points when they buy things. Their accounts are not always easy to find, especially if they use nicknames.

Customer: “My account is under Richard [Last Name].”

Me: “Hm… Sorry, I don’t have a Richard [Last Name].”

Customer: “Oh, look again. I am in there.”

Me: “Hm… No luck. I just don’t see Richard in the system.”

The customer is getting frustrated at this point and I really am doing my best to find his account. Finally, I see an account with the customer’s last name, but the first name on the account is under the nickname Dick instead of Richard. Very excited to have found the account, I blurt out very loudly:

Me: “I HAVE A DICK!”

I turn quite red before I even finish that sentence, but Richard doesn’t bat an eye and just nods.

Customer: “Yeah, that’s me.”

This story is part of the Struggles With Names roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

10 Stories About Customers Who Were Weird With Words

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A customer in the drive-thru orders two sandwiches with a lot of extra stuff added on and makes both into large, rather expensive meals. Then, he gets to my window to pay.

Customer: “Yeah, my wife and I ordered this food a few days ago and they messed up the order. My wife called and they said they’d replace it.”

I know I’ve seen the man before because he has very distinguished facial hair and he pulled pretty much the exact same story as he did last time, only last time he got away with it. I decide to play along and pretend I don’t know his scam.

Me: “All right, sir, we’re sorry about that. I’ll just need to see your receipt.”

Customer: “I don’t have it with me. My wife called it in and the manager said it would be replaced.”

Me: “All right, well, what was the name of the manager you spoke to?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Some lady.”

Me: “What’s your name? I’ll have them look it up in the book.”

The customer gives a different name than he used last time. 

Me: “Okay, just wait here. I’ll be right back.”

I go to my manager and tell him about the guy who I know is scamming us and tell him everything I remember from last time he scammed us. My manager, who used to work at a different store of the same chain across town, follows me to the back where the man is waiting.

Manager: “So, you don’t have a receipt, you don’t know who you spoke to, and you’re not in our books. I recognize you from my other store. You’re trying to get free food.”

Customer: *Realizing he’s caught* “No, that wasn’t me. That was my brother!”

Manager: *Laughing to himself* “No, I’m pretty sure that’s you. Don’t bother trying this at any other stores. I’m sending your description to other stores. Now get out of my drive-thru before I call the cops.”

The man drove away and has not been seen scamming at my store since.

A friend and I go out to a bar one night. We have some drinks and play some pool, and there are a few guys that we sort of try to chat with, but we mostly keep to ourselves.

Now, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I can be completely oblivious when it comes to realizing that guys are flirting with me; it’s caused me to miss out on a few things. But as we’re leaving, I’m complaining to her a bit; I got a call while we were out from my boss asking me to come in the next day — my day off — because she can’t be in. (There were issues aplenty at that job, but that’s a story for another time.)

Me: “Ugh. I can’t believe [Boss] called me on my Friday night and was so shocked that I didn’t pick up immediately and didn’t actually want to come in all day on my day off.”

Friend: “I still can’t believe you actually said yes.”

Me: “I don’t know what I was thinking. But I swear, if one more person calls me and complains that their furniture wasn’t what they wanted, I’m going to quit.”

A guy over in the smoking area speaks up.

Guy: “Hey, can I get your number?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, we were just talking about my job.”

My friend and I both get in the car, and as I’m pulling out of the parking lot, I realize she’s staring at me funny.

Me: “What?”

Friend: “…”

Me: *Lightbulb* “He was actually asking for my number, wasn’t he?”

Friend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Is it too late to go back and get it?”

Friend: “Pretty sure you missed your chance.”

By this point, we’re at a stoplight, so I bang my head on the steering wheel.

Me: “I’m an idiot. See, this is why I can’t get dates. Or a boyfriend.”

Friend: “Well, I wasn’t going to say anything…”

We both managed to laugh although I was feeling embarrassed. Even if he’d just been making conversation, if I’d been paying attention, I still might have ended up with his number. Ten years later, I still miss when guys are trying to flirt with me 95% of the time.