Automatic Telling On You Machine

, , , , , | Friendly | March 25, 2019

(I walk to a local chain coffee shop every day in the summer. I like to sit at the tables outside and write. One of the tables happens to be right next to an ATM for a bank. It’s a beautiful, sunny day but with a stiff breeze, so I sit next to the ATM to block the wind. I’m enjoying my iced latte and typing on my laptop when a woman parks her large, expensive SUV and comes up to me. She says something, but I have my headphones in. She stands there, so I take my headphones out to be polite.)

Woman: “Are you hacking into that ATM?”

Me: *thinking she’s joking* “Ha, yeah.”

Woman: “Are you hacking into that ATM?”

Me: *realizing she’s not joking* “Uh, no.”

Woman: “You’re stealing people’s information! You are! You’re hacking into that with your computer!”

Me: “…”

Woman: “You’re taking pictures of everyone and stealing their PINs! I’m going to report you! They’re going to arrest you!”

(She goes into the café, and when she comes out she points at me and gets back in her expensive car and drives off. Starting to become concerned, I wander in.)

Me: *to barista* “Did some whackadoo lady come in here and say I was hacking into the ATM?”

Barista: “Yeah, that lady is crazy. We told her you’re in here all the time, and she told us she wanted us to call the police because you were stealing from the ATM. I don’t know why she told us. We don’t care. We don’t own the ATM!”

(God, I love baristas.)

Unfiltered Story #144569

, , | Unfiltered | March 19, 2019

Lady over drive through speaker: … Oh, and I want cheese on my fries.

Me: Cheese on your fries?

Lady: Yeah, y’all always put cheese on your fries.

Me: Ma’am, we don’t offer cheese fries.

Lady: You guys don’t have cheese anymore?

Me: Ma’am, we have NEVER offered cheese on our fries.

Lady: Oh. Well, if you could just put the cheese y’all always have on them, that’d be great! *drives away*

It Certainly Became A Night They Never Forgot

, , , , | Hopeless | March 15, 2019

(My senior year of high school, I take my crush out to dinner before prom. We are going as friends, sadly, but we still have a great time. We end up at a restaurant about an hour from our school and miraculously meet up with some mutual friends. All in all, it is a great meal. We are there for a couple of hours. About halfway through, an elderly man walks up to us — a group of teenagers, with two dudes in tuxedos and two girls in beautiful dresses.)

Man: “Ah, good evening! Might I ask what the occasion is?”

Me: “Oh, it’s prom back in [Hometown], and we came here for our dinner dates!”

(My friends and my date all nod in agreement, and after he shares his compliments, his wife shows up and they disappear into the restaurant. Eventually, we decide it’s best to head to the dance, so we ask for the bill. After a few minutes, we still haven’t gotten it. Finally, my guy friend waves down the waitress.)

Guy Friend: “Hey. We still haven’t gotten our bill and we’re going to be late if we don’t leave soon. Could you see what the hold up is, please?”

(The waitress looks confused, nods, and runs off to find out what’s going on. Within a minute, she returns with a receipt, and scurries off.)

Waitress: “Have a nice evening!”

(We look at the bill and see that the group’s total is about $120 — $60ish for each pair. However, it says at the bottom that it is paid for. Confused, I take it and go chase down the waitress.)

Me: “Hey. What’s with the bill?”

Waitress: *glances at it* “Oh, the man over there paid for it.”

(Surprised by this, I walk over to the man and his wife.)

Me: “Hey, is it true that you paid our bill?”

Man: “Yes, we did. We saw the four of you, and you reminded of my wife and me when we were young.”

Me: *pulling out my wallet* “Thank you, sir, but you didn’t need to. It was about $120, right?”

Man: *holding his hand out to stop me* “No, it is free for you. Please, do us a favor and make this a night you will never forget, all right?”

(I nodded, thanking him profusely. That was three years ago and I still remember that night. To that mystery man and his wife, thank you so much. Saving that money helped me and my friends.)

Aisle Never Get To See This Band

, , , , , | Working | March 15, 2019

(I’m an usher at a local arena. I’ve been looking forward to this concert, and I really want to work an aisle.)

Head Usher: “[My Name], you’re working [aisle], [Coworker #1], you’re working [not an aisle]…”

Coworker #1: “Does anybody working an aisle want to trade spots with me? I’d like to work an aisle.”

Head Usher: “[Coworker], please stop talking. I’m assigning the rest of the locations.”

Coworker #1: “I was just trying to help in case anybody wants to work [not an aisle]!”

Head Usher: “You’ll work where you’re assigned.”

Coworker #1: “Well, maybe I’ll just leave!”

(The head usher finishes assigning locations, and we get in place. I’m working with [Coworker #2].)

Coworker #2: “I don’t really like this band.”

Me: “Different tastes. I really like them, but I’d never be able to afford a ticket. I’m glad I’ll have a chance to see them.”

(The head usher comes up.)

Head Usher: “[My Name], can you work [not an aisle]?”

(I figure that [Coworker #1] made good on her threat to walk out, and I know somebody has to cover the position.)

Me: “Sure.”

Head Usher: “Okay. [Coworker #1], you can work here.”

(Now I feel like a prize chump. Still, it’s a job before it’s a chance to see the show, and at least I can listen. This doesn’t stop me from stewing about it, and imagining all sorts of cutting remarks to use on [Coworker #1]. After the show, [Coworker #1] comes up to me.)

Coworker #1: “[My Name], I’m sorry! I didn’t know you wanted to see the show, too!”

Me: “Well, that’s the way it goes in this job. I work where I’m assigned, and I don’t always get to see what I want to. Of course, I’m a professional.”

(I walked away.)

What A βλάκας

, , , , , | Romantic | March 15, 2019

(In this story, I am sitting downstairs with my husband and our roommate. I am on our roommate’s laptop doing a search for them as they are terrible about finding things online. My husband is playing a game on his phone while I do this.)

Husband: “There are these two other players in the game who always talk to each other in this other language. I don’t know if it is Russian or Hebrew. You’re good at that sort of thing; take a look.”

(I am currently only fluent in English, but I am learning Swedish on a language app. I can usually tell which language something is in, although there are times where I can’t. I go over to look at the phone, he shows me, and I take a quick look and go back to what I was doing.)

Me: “That looks like it is either Greek or Russian. I didn’t get a good look at it.”

Husband: “Probably Russian, then; nobody speaks Greek nowadays since it is a dead language.”

Me: *looks back up and gives him a strange look* “I think you are confusing that with Latin.”

Husband: *shrugs* “I know Latin is, but I am pretty sure Greek is a dead language, too.”

Me: *looks back and forth between him and the laptop I am currently on* “No, there are still people in the world who speak Greek.”

Husband: “Not that many, though.”

(I just stared at him for a few seconds and then dropped the subject to continue what I was doing, but internally I was shaking my head. I looked it up the next day; Greek is spoken by about 13 million people.)

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