That Problem Is Licked… Literally

, , , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I am a cashier working the night shift. The store I work at installed chip readers last year, but people are still having trouble using them. A customer approaches my checkout stand at about 11 pm with his girlfriend, and I ring them up.)

Me: “Your total today comes to [total].”

Customer: “Okay. Slide or chip?”

Me: “Chip.”

(The customer proceeds to insert his card into the chip reader. It gives him an error message and tells him to remove the card. He tries again, only to get the same error. Visibly frustrated, he actually LICKS his card and sticks it back in!)

Me: “Did… Did you just lick your card?”

Customer: “Yeah. It upsets the machine and lets me swipe my card.”

(He swipes his card and it works.)

Girlfriend: “I feel uncomfortable.”

Reboot The Brand While You’re At It

, , , , | | Right | June 10, 2018

(I’m a tech support representative for an online retailer that also has their own brand of Wi-Fi-enabled technology. One night, I get a call from a customer who is having trouble connecting his device to his home Wi-Fi network. I start walking him through the troubleshooting steps. Eventually, we reach the part where he is supposed to reboot his network.)

Me: “Go ahead and unplug your modem and router, wait fifteen seconds, and plug them back in.”

(The line disconnects. After a few seconds, I realize he must have had a VoIP [Voice over Internet Protocol] line. I wait a minute or two to give his system a chance to reboot, then call him back.)

Me: “I’m so sorry about that; I didn’t realize you were using a VoIP line. Let’s move on with troubleshooting.”

Customer: *very angry* “I don’t understand why you didn’t know that! You should have known! Your system should tell you that!”

Me: *confused, as I definitely have no way of knowing what type of phone they’re calling me on* “Sir, I am very sorry; I have no way of knowing what type of line you’re using.”

Customer: “I don’t understand! You are [Major Internet Company], are you not?”

Me: “Um… No?”

(Needless to say, I double-check what type of line the customer is using before we reboot their network now.)

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Jet, Set, Go!

, , , , | Hopeless | June 7, 2018

A few years ago, my parents and I were running some errands in our beat-up old van. It had no back seat, and the back hatch latch was broken, so it would come open at the slightest touch. We also had our year-old black lab, Jet, in the car with us, but weren’t too worried about him because he tended to stick right next to me as I sat in my bean-bag chair in the back.

This particular day, however, we were stopped at a red light, and he was sniffing around the back-hatch. The van lurched as we started forward, and Jet proceeded to tumble right out the back, sending me into an adrenaline surge as I shouted, “S***! JET!”, fully expecting the cars behind us to run over him as they followed us.

My father immediately pulled into a parking lot just a few feet to the side, and as I threw the side door open, I saw my poor, confused pup meandering out of the street and onto the sidewalk. But what I always think happily on as I remember this event is that not one single car had moved, not even those on the other side of the intersection. The people in the other cars saw what happened and all made the same choice to stay right where they were until Jet was safely back in my arms.

If anyone who reads this was there that day, THANK YOU. Jet was completely unharmed, just incredibly confused as to what had happened, and is still going strong today, thanks to everyone staying where they were and waiting until he was okay.

Mother’s Day Of The Dead

, , , , , | Friendly | June 7, 2018

(A couple teenage boys in front of me at the grocery store are arguing over when Mother’s Day is. They finally turned to me to see who is right.)

Teenage Boy #1: “Mother’s Day is March 11th, right?”

Me: “No, it’s the 13th.”

Teenage Boy #2: “See?! I told you! March 13th!”

Me: “Of May. It’s this weekend.”

Teenage Boy #2: “What?! Oh, s***!”

What IS It With Men And Asking For Directions?

, , , , , , | Right | June 6, 2018

(I work in a hotel. People often come in off the street to get directions if they’re lost. Some people are obviously upset about having to ask, so they hardly pay attention. A guy comes in for directions.)

Man: “How do you get to [Store]?”

(He’s a little older, so I offer to print out directions so he’ll have something to look at on paper. He grumbles about that wasting his time and says to just tell him.)

Me: “Take a left out of our parking lot. It’s about a mile down the road, and it’ll be on the right-hand side. It’s just past [Fast Food Place]. If you hit [Entertainment Center], you’ve gone too far.”

Man: “So, go north, and it’ll be to the left? Okay.”

Me: “No, it’ll be on the right-hand side, between the street and the freeway.”

Man: “But you just said left.”

Me: “Go left to take you north out of our parking lot. Then, it’ll be to the right.”

Man: “So, go right.”

Me: “It’ll be to the right, after you’ve started going north towards the mall.”

Man: “God! All women are terrible at directions!”

Me: *tired, but talking with a smile* “Actually, I’m quite fantastic at directions. Most people know me for it. But if you would learn how to listen and stop getting yourself lost, then you wouldn’t be in this predicament, would you?”

(The guy looked at me like I had physically smacked him. Then, he mumbled something and stormed out.)

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