, , , , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(While trying to get things settled with the lady at the desk, my three-year-old son is next to me, looking at a comments box that has five faces on it ranging from a big smile to a big frown.)

Son: “Daddy, what does this face mean?”

Me: *breaking a conversation to glance down* “What face?”

Son: “Oh! Really happy, really sad, kind of happy, kind of sad, what face!”

(He’s 17 now, and the whole family still calls the face with a straight mouth a “what face.”)

What Came First, The Chicken Or The Hardware Store?

, , , , | Right | December 9, 2017

Customer: “When did you stop selling fried chicken?”

Me: “Excuse me?” *thinking didn’t hear him correctly*

Customer: “When did you stop selling fried chicken? I know I bought it here.”

Me: “We have never sold fried chicken here; this is a hardware store.”

Customer: “I know, but you use to sell the best fried chicken. I know it’s been a few years, but it was the best.”

Me: “I am sorry, but I have worked here since we opened ten years ago; we have never sold chicken, fried or otherwise.”

Customer: *walks off muttering about how great our chicken was and why we stopped selling it*

Me: *to the manager* “What are we pumping into the air today?”

Mom Offers Desk-Side Assistance

, , , , , | Learning | December 9, 2017

I didn’t have the best of times in elementary school, and most of my memories of it are the negative kind. However, talking with my mom about this years later, she told me about a day that she remembered in particular.

My fourth grade teacher, for whatever reason, decided that she didn’t like me. I always figured it was because I was shy, tended to stay out of classroom activities, and would always try to read books under my desk (understandably something I shouldn’t do). What my mom told me is that the teacher also apparently hated how I would arrange my desk, the kind with the cubbies underneath to stow books and pencils in. My desk was always messy and never organized, and definitely not to the teacher’s standards. This made her absolutely furious.

One day, my mom happened to drop me off at my classroom before the rest of the kids were there, but the teacher was in. What we found was the entire contents of my desk; pencils, books, worksheets, everything, dumped on the floor and thrown all around the room! If I’d gone into class with all the other students, I would’ve had to pick everything up in front of the whole class and been completely embarrassed.

Seeing as how she caught the teacher red-handed, my mom had every right to go off on her, but instead, Mom simply stood as I gamely gathered all my things and stared my teacher down, unblinking. Then when I was done, she stared a little longer, and left without a word.

I didn’t have trouble with that teacher for the rest of the year! My mom scared her enough to prevent anything else from happening. I can’t believe I don’t remember this event today, but it’s probably thanks to chance, and my mom, for saving me from being humiliated in front of the entire class!

Caught Red (Or White) Handed

, , , , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(A customer starts walking out of the store with a bottle of wine clearly sticking out of his sweater. My coworker moves in front of him to block his path.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, sir.”

Customer: “What?”

Coworker: “What do you have under your shirt, there?”

Customer: *pause* “My skin.”

Coworker: “Come on, bro.”

It’s The Middle Of The Day In India

, , , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(It is about 12:30 am, I am having a hard time sleeping, and when I finally feel like I am going to fall asleep, my cell phone rings. I pick it up thinking it might be one of my relatives trying to contact me because something happened.)

Scammer: “This is Microsoft tech sup—”

Me: *cranky* “What the f***?! It’s midnight!”

Scammer: *continues on* “We detected a virus in your computer and—”

Me: “Listen here. It’s midnight. I do not have a virus, and it’s midnight. You do not call people this late at night.”

Scammer: “But it’s an emergency; we have a—”

Me: “Listen. I worked for a call center, and it is in fact illegal to solicit or cold-call people past 9:00 at night—”

Scammer: *interrupting with a condescending tone* “—but it’s not midnight here.”

Me:In their timezone, as I was going to say, you a**-backwards twit. You remove this number from your list of scams right now, or I will be forwarding it to the police. Got it? F*** off!”

(They hung up. Since then, I haven’t had another “Windows tech” call on my cell.)

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