Their Opinion On The Matter Is Locked

, , , , , | Right | October 19, 2017

(Our store door has three locks, one of which is an outer hasp which must be turned and locked with a key. It is right next to both the store’s hours and the “Closed” sign. I have locked the door and am nearly done with closing duties when a customer pulls on the door, then sees me and knocks insistently when it won’t open.)

Me: *opens door a little* “Hi—”

Customer: *overrides me* “Are you closed?”

Me: “Yes, sorry.”

Customer: “Well, you should’ve locked your door.”

(The customer then flipped the still-open hasp and walked off before I could inquire how, precisely, I was supposed to lock myself in from the outside while I was still in the store.)

Fake News Has Two Sides

, , , , , | Friendly | October 18, 2017

(I work for a national news network known for taking a more conservative stance on political issues. I’m riding the Metro home from work the day after President Trump’s inauguration, and am caught in all the “Women’s March” traffic. It’s so packed that I’m literally up against a wall with other people. They’re all very friendly and everyone is having a good time. At one stop, two seats open up behind me.)

Lady: *from the march* “You go ahead and take that seat.”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay; I’ve been sitting at work all day.”

Lady: “Oh, what do you do?”

Me: “I’m a news producer.” *at this point, I’m a little nervous to tell her where I work*

Lady: “At what outlet?”

Me: “Uhh… Don’t make me answer that.”

Lady: *in shock* “But you’re so nice!”

(Didn’t know I had to be a jerk to work at my news agency. Oh, well.)

Will Be Cashing Yourself Out

, , , , , | Right | October 18, 2017

(I am having trouble finding an item in the hardware store. I don’t see an employee around, so I go up front to ask the cashiers of they can help me find one of their coworkers. Both cashiers are female.)

Me: *what I’m thinking* “I know that cashiers aren’t usually allowed to leave the front, but can you find someone to help me in hardware?”

Me: *what I actually say* “I know you’re just cashiers, but can you find someone to help me in hardware?”

(I am so sorry! I’m sure that you are very capable! Thank you for helping me anyway!)

Scouting For The Saddest Joke

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 17, 2017

(My wife used to be a Boy Scout and was kicked out at 18 for being gay, before she came to terms with being a woman. So, I am surprised when she comes home with a box of popcorn the Boy Scouts were selling.)

Me: “This is the worst and least original joke, but is Boy Scout popcorn made from real Boy Scouts?”

Wife: “Yeah, it’s made from the gay and trans kids they kick out.”

Me: *pauses* “My joke wasn’t funny, but you didn’t have to make it sad.”

A Disagreement To Bring The House Down

, , , , | Romantic | October 13, 2017

Early in my marriage, it became quickly apparent that my new wife had much higher, and therefore pricier, standards when it came to residences than I did. We were both from areas with much cheaper housing than Seattle, but at that time I was the only one who seemed to allow that to re-shape my expectations of where I could live. Sometimes I’d bring up a neighborhood I’d like to live in, and she’d recoil in horror; by her standards, such places were run-down and trashy, whereas by my standards they were quite reasonable and quaint.

One day we were driving on a particular stretch of highway that had notoriously bad traffic, and I noticed that my gas gauge was precariously low. I was coming up on the last exit before I would get onto the bridge heading into Seattle, and I wasn’t confident I could make it to the city on what I had, given the traffic. So, I took the exit and started looking for a gas station in the small township outside of Seattle. My wife was admiring the nice yards and homes and said calmly, “See? This is the kind of neighborhood I could live in.”

I replied, “Honey, this is Bill Gates’s neighborhood.” I gave her a “give me a break” look.

She got the message and saw her issue. Our standards still don’t match, but the gap is considerably smaller than it was.

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