One day, during a high school sports practice, my teammates and I got on the topic of our local Major League Baseball team. Our coach overheard us.

Coach: “When I was younger, I worked the concessions stand at the ballpark. Let me tell you: don’t ever get a hot dog before the fourth inning. That’s how long it would usually take to use up the hot dogs from the previous game.”

Me: “What if it’s the first game of the season?”

Coach: *In the exact same tone as before* “Let me tell you: don’t ever get a hot dog before the fourth inning.”

I am a retired family physician. Before the days of computers, two patients arrived at the same time. [Patient #2] was scheduled ten minutes after [Patient #1]. [Patient #2] was having chest pain and was extremely short of breath — actually turning blue. The reception desk called for help.

My assistant got him in a room and started getting vital signs. I sent another assistant to get the crash cart and a third to start oxygen. I went into the hall and picked up the phone to call 911. I picked it up just before it had a chance to ring, and the reception desk was on the line.

[Patient #1] was upset and wanted to know when she would be seen.

Me: “We’re in the middle of a code blue.”

I hung up the phone and called 911. I gave the operator the information and went back to the patient. They were on oxygen and hooked up to an ECG, which showed they were having a heart attack.

By the time the paramedics arrived, we had given them aspirin and nitroglycerin. The paramedics took over, loaded [Patient #2] onto a gurney, and rolled them out through the waiting room to the aide car for transport to the hospital.

My assistant was busy putting away gear, so I went out to the waiting room and got [Patient #1]. I brought her back to an exam room, and she started complaining bitterly.

Patient #1: “I can’t believe I’m being seen out of order! I’ve been waiting for too long!”

Ten minutes had elapsed since she had arrived. I tossed her chart on the desk.

Me: “The reason you waited was that the patient seen before you was dying of a heart attack, and we had to save him! You waited all of ten minutes, and I brought you back myself. What clinic have you been used to going to where you wait less than ten minutes despite a medical emergency? I’d like to go there myself!”

Several years ago, I worked in a furniture store that was a nightmare. It was a single family-owned store, and I have suspicions that they didn’t care too much about the store itself, just what they could use it for with certain financial activities.

One Sunday, the power goes out. It takes a bit, but we finally get the notice from the utility company that it’s out for the entire business complex and they don’t think we’re going to get it back until later that night, if not the next morning. We beg the manager to let us close and just go home, but she refuses because we still might get a sale. Thankfully, it’s early summer, so light and heat are not a problem. I try to point out a couple of things that are problems.

Me: “I can’t run any sales through because the credit card machines are down. Because we have no power.”

Manager: “We take cash or a check.”

Me: “First, no one carries $1,000-plus in cash unless they know they’re spending it, and second, no one really uses checks anymore. Third, I can’t process financing applications, either, because we have no power.”

Manager: “We stay open.”

Me: “Okay, but I can’t submit any orders because the computer won’t turn on because we have no power.”

Manager: “You submit it tomorrow! We stay open!”

She then stormed off. We did get one customer who wanted to make a purchase, but my manager wouldn’t let me call them the next day to run the card then. No, she wanted me to write down all of their credit card information on a sticky note and just enter it in the morning. The customer wasn’t comfortable with that — I don’t blame them — and left. We then got yelled at for letting the customer walk. On the upside, the power did finally come back — right as we were locking up for the night.

I’m so glad I got away from that place.

I’m a new cashier at a grocery store, and some of the regulars have noticed this.

Regular: “Oh, are you new?”

Me: “Yes, I just started last week!”

Regular: “Welcome! Are you new to town?”

Me: “Yes, I just moved down from Alaska.”

Regular: “Oh, it must be so hot for you down here!”

Me: “Well, Anchorage is only a little colder than Seattle at this time of year.”

Regular: “Is it true that you ride polar bears like we ride horses?”

Me: “Uh…”

Regular: “Oh, wait… They’re extinct now, aren’t they?”

Me: “Do you have a loyalty card?”

Regular: “Have you heard of Applebee’s? They’re a really good restaurant we have down here in the US!”

Me: “Your total is [total]!”

Related:
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 18
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 17
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 16
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 15
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 14

I work at a retail store that recently came out with a phone app, which has new coupons every week. Our boss is really pushing us to get customers to download the app and encouraging a bit of competition between everyone to get the most downloads each day, but I haven’t had much success. Most people aren’t interested in another app on their phones, and even for those who are, there are a few hoops to jump through when registering on the app. I talk to loads of customers about it each day, but I average maybe one download per day, well below the goal of five. Honestly, it’s been a bit disheartening.

This week, there are two relevant coupons on the app. The first is that if you spend $50 in the store, you’ll get $20 in store credit to use on a future purchase. The second is a free snack or candy item. I tell one of our customers who just walked in about the deal and how to download the app, and she’s very excited about it. About half an hour later, she approaches me at the register.

Customer: “Thank you so much for telling me about these deals! I can’t wait to get my $20!”

Me: “No problem.”

I notice that she doesn’t have any snacks or candy to purchase. I gesture to the candy bars for sale next to the register.

Me: “Don’t forget about the free candy!”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, so I probably won’t bother. Unless you want it.”

Me: “…Well, I wouldn’t turn it down if you offered.”

Customer: “Sure! Which one do you want?”

The customer then grabbed my favorite candy bar, added it to her purchase, used the coupon to get it for free, and gave it to me. Honestly, it made my whole week! I may not have the most downloads, but for getting the most free candy, I’m officially in the lead.