The Mummy Of All Bad Jokes

, , , , , , | Healthy Right Working | February 11, 2019

(I am answering the phone at an OBGYN office when a woman calls to make an appointment.)

Me: “[Office], how can I help you?”

Woman: *sounding a little nervous but also very excited* “Ah, well, I need an appointment. It’s the strangest thing; I went sightseeing a few months ago, to see the pyramids. I thought I got food poisoning or indigestion from eating things I wasn’t used to. But it’s lasted for a few months, and this morning I glanced in the mirror and thought I looked a little heavier.”

(I can see where this might be heading, and am almost giddy because I can’t believe the fantastic joke opportunity I’m about to have.)

Woman: *continuing* “—so I took a pregnancy test. I think I’m three months pregnant!”

Me: *cheering internally* “Well, ma’am, it sounds like did get sick on your trip.”

Woman: “Oh?”

Me: *holding back laughter* “You caught the Egyptian flu. You’re going to be a mummy!”

Woman: *laughs*

Me: “And congratulations. Let’s figure out your due date and get in your with one of our doctors.”

(As soon as I was done with work, I called my parents to tell them; they were also very amused.)

Unfiltered Story #139446

, , | Unfiltered | February 11, 2019

I’m working the front desk one morning at about 10:30am. It’s 30 minutes before checkout time and a guest with a reservation comes in.
Guest: Hello, I have a reservation and I’m here to check in.
(After getting his name I notice that it’s for a standard king size bed room, which are all dirty and/or occupied due to being sold out the night before)
Me: Unfortunately sir, it looks like I don’t have any rooms available yet.
Guest: WHAT!? EXCUSE ME!?! I specifically had this reservation made for early check in!
Me: I understand sir, and we do our absolute best to accommodate to that. However, if we sell out the night before then there’s no way we’re able to do early c/i. Housekeeping is currently working on rooms and not everyone has checked out yet. I’m afraid it’ll be at least 2 hours before we have rooms ready.
(He didn’t, there’s no note in the comments section.)
Me: I’m sorry sir but I’m not seeing any such request in the comments section.
Guest: My g** d*** co-workers never do anything right! they were supposed to note that in there!
Me: Well, it’s not the same room type you requested but I can upgrade your room to a room with two beds at no additional cost to you(two bed rooms cost more), if you absolutely need the room now.
Guest: No!! I want my king bed room now!!
Me: Unfortunately all I’d be able to do is switch the reservation to a two bed, otherwise you’d have to wait a couple more hours.
Guest: NO. I refuse to wait! I requested early check in, I want early check in!!
Me: *getting fed up* Sir, there is no request for early check in in your reservation. I’ve offered you an available room and you declined. So you’ll just have to wait.
Guest: Well I’m tired and I need the room now! I’m so sick of everyone being incompetent at their jobs!
Me: Sir you realize check in is not until 3pm right. I could very easily tell you to wait until then because that’s technically when check in time starts anyway.
Guest: YEAH I KNOW THAT I KNOW HOW HOTELS WORK. *goes storming out*
Me: *mumbling to myself* then why the h*** are you arguing with me.

Literally Wrote The Book

, , , , | Working | February 8, 2019

(I work as a security officer. This means the location where I work is called my post, and what I am expected to do every day are my post orders. This week I get a visit from one of my many bosses dropping off some new equipment.)

Boss: “Just to give you a heads up, some of the higher-ups are coming by next week on Thursday and Friday to look over some things here and at [Other Site]. I’ll warn you: [Higher Level Person] likes to give pop quizzes.”

Me: “On what?”

Boss: “The post orders.”

(I then laughed and had to explain to her the reason this was so funny to me: I have been at my site for nearly five years. Not only did I update the seriously outdated orders after settling in, but I also keep them regularly updated, as the location has had construction and logistics changes over time. I literally wrote what this person plans to quiz me on.)

Unfiltered Story #139363

, , , | Unfiltered | February 6, 2019

This is a little story from the customer’s POV, well, from the daughter of the customer. My mother and I were at a popular fast-food joint going through the drive-through. We’d already paid, gotten change and were waiting for our food. After the employee hands over our bags of food and drink my mother says jokingly; “Normally I’d just drive away now!”

Employee at Window: *slightly worried* “And what are you planning on doing differently today, Ma’am?”

I was wondering the same thing as we drove away, both of us embarrassed at my mother’s little slip-up.

(She told me later that she’d thought she’d forgotten something at the time, but it came across as sounding very weird.)

Unfiltered Story #139353

, , , | Unfiltered | February 6, 2019

The little mom-and-pop convenience/video rental store my boyfriend and another guy worked at about ten years ago was being held up one day and the thief was demanding the money from the till.

Robber: “Put the money in a bag!”

Co-worker: *without missing a beat* “Would that be paper or plastic?”

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