(My partner and I have been waiting for months to see “Captain America: Civil War,” and going to the movies is a very special occasion for us due to finances. We decide on a theater located on the top floor of a rather nice mall that is surrounded by a food court, since prices are fair and the location is close. We pay and take our seats in the front, and not too long after the previews start someone sits directly behind us and begins noisily eating out of a paper bag. My partner turns and informs me they are eating a burger out of a paper bag and I figure they will be done soon. Except, they have an entire large backpack FULL of burgers, and they proceed to eat them as noisily as possible all the way through the credits and half an hour into the movie itself! My partner confirms that they are eating burger after burger like their backpack is a dispenser, and the paper on each burger is crinkled so loudly and purposely that I cannot hear most of the dialogue. I’m talking continuous and endless loud crinkling, like an Internet troll decided to come to the movies. Fed up, I decide to do what I never do and complain. This theater is two stories, and to get to the desk I have to go down an escalator and across the lobby. When I get to the concessions desk, a very nice guy calls a manager when I explain the problem, and whispers quickly that he had the same issue a week ago and not to expect any real help. A female manager arrives and I explain to her my issue. She looks incredibly bored.)

Manager: “What do you want me to do about it?”

Me: “You have a no outside food and drink policy.”

Manager: “Yeah, but it’s not like we can enforce it; we’re right next to the food court.”

Me: “So, what am I supposed to do? I can’t hear, and have missed a big part of the movie.”

Manager: *sighs* “I can come up behind you and talk to them, but that is really it.”

Me: “That’s fine.”

(I went back upstairs and into my theater, where the guy was STILL eating noisy, paper-wrapped burgers and continued to do so for an additional twenty minutes. I could hear everything behind me and looked back several times, and the manager never came into the theater, at all. When we left after the credits, we counted over a dozen burger wrappers thrown all over the aisle behind us. I was upset that nothing was done and that the manager lied and never came to check, so I decided to write a formal online complaint on the company website. Apparently those complaints go directly to the managers, and the manager I talked to decided to answer and state that I was making too big of a deal out of this. Then she lied and said she did come to the theater, and that their was no evidence after the show of outside food or drink. Then she offered me free passes to shut me up! I was pretty upset that my complaint got brushed aside twice by the same awful manager, who apparently just liked to lie. I decided to not push it further, as I had clearly hit a wall, and refused the passes. Who wants to go to a movie they can’t hear? I went back about eight months later and didn’t see her, so hopefully she works somewhere else now.)

(My wife likes to make mac and cheese from scratch, but I usually make it from a box.)

Wife: “Do we have any cheese?”

Me: “I think so.”

Wife: “If we do, I’ll make mac and cheese.”

Me: “Wait, why do you need cheese for mac and cheese?”

(I caught my error, but my wife teased me for a few minutes.)

(I’m having a pregnancy test done at a local clinic. After I get a positive result, they go over some things with me. The nurse is asking me basic questions about daily habits and my lifestyle.)

Nurse: “All right, do you smoke?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Drink alcohol?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Nurse: “Do you plan on starting?”

Me: “Not anytime soon.”

Nurse: “Oh, thank God! I don’t have to try to talk sense into you.”

Me: “Do people really think they can smoke and drink during pregnancy?”

Nurse: “More than you’d think.”

(I get a call from my girlfriend’s phone saying that it has been found on the bus and has been turned in to the lost and found. I message my girlfriend to let her know. She calls them and learns that they open after she starts work, so she tells them that I will pick up the phone. I go in the next day.)

Me: “I’m here to look for a lost phone.”

Receptionist: “Do you have a reason to believe we have it?”

Me: “I got a call saying the phone had been turned in. I suppose it might not have been turned in yet.”

(The receptionist looks in the box of phones. I describe it and the woman starts handing it to me.)

Receptionist: “Did you lose it on bus [number]?”

Me: “I think that’s the bus she would have been on, yes.”

Receptionist: “This isn’t your phone?”

Me: “Well, no, but my girlfriend called to say I would be picking it up.”

(The receptionist goes to her computer.)

Receptionist: “I don’t have an email except the one that says the phone was found.”

Me: “Well, yeah, she called the number. Unless you want to open up three hours early just for her, she can’t get it in person.”

Receptionist: “Well, thank you for being honest, but you can’t pick up things for your friend. Can you get her to contact us?”

Me: “If she has to come in and give permission, she will pick it up herself.”

(I understand following the rules, but the website gave a number to call, not an email address.)

(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)