(I am riding the metro and a little kid is acting rambunctious. To calm and distract him, his mother decides to read the list of stations the train stops at from the digital sign. It works well, until…)

Mother: “So then, the train stops at Farragut North, and then at Metro Center, and then at Gallery Place-Chinatown–”

(At the mention of this last station, the boy’s eyes go wide with excitement and he joyfully exclaims:)

Boy: “YOU MEAN THIS TRAIN GOES ALL THE WAY TO CHINA?”

(Having not had much sleep the night before, I decide to go to the quiet car on my train home to NYC. Because I know the train will be full, I take the first available seat, which is next to an older woman who only reluctantly moves her bag from the seat. She is fiddling with her smartphone. I get my stuff situated, sit down, recline the seat slightly, and close my eyes for a nap. The train has not even left the station yet. After a minute, the woman starts talking loudly and angrily.)

Woman: “If you touch my phone again I will f*** you up!” 

(I open my eyes and see that she is clearly yelling at me:)

Me: “Um, huh?”

Woman: “You f***** with my photos!”

Me: *incredulous* “Miss, I didn’t touch your phone. I’m just sitting here.” 

Woman: “My photos were working fine and then you sat down and now they aren’t here! That’s personal property; you can’t go messing with that! You mess with that again and I’m going to f*** you up!”

Me: “Lady, I literally sat down and closed my eyes. I didn’t even touch your seat, let alone your phone. There is no way that I could have done anything to affect your photos. I think you need to calm down.” 

Woman: *harrumphs* “Then it must have been her!” 

(She pointed to the person in the seat in front of her and then went back to fiddling with her phone.)

(My family moves from Florida to Tennessee when I am three or four years old. We don’t have much furniture, and we stop by a furniture store in DC on our way from visiting friends to get some. We have a budget of $500 and aren’t planning on getting much. We see a sale room with furniture that is all on sale, with a lot off. There is a man with one of those wheels that you spin to get a percentage off. My mom spins.) 

Man: “10%? Hmm… That’s not a lot…” *points to me* “She’s so cute! Let her spin.”

(I spin, and the wheel is about to land on 10% again, and this man makes the wheel spin a bit longer.)

Man: “90%! Congratulations!”

(We were able to get just about all of our furniture for $500, and it was a blessing that my family really needed in that rough spot.)

(I work in a hotel.)

Guest: “Hello, I’d like to check in.”

Me: “Certainly.”

(We go through the check-in process, which includes verifying address, name, days of stay, rate, etc.)

Guest: *as he’s leaving to go upstairs* “And, uh, can you put me in for an extra few days?” *winks*

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we’re sold out for the rest of the week.”

Guest: “No! Of course, you can!” *winks again*

Me: “Sorry, I can’t.”

Guest: “But I winked!”

Me: “That doesn’t make a room magically appear.”

Guest: *throws a fit*

(I am getting ready to move to another city, and I am cancelling my utilities at the old place and setting stuff up at the new place. I have saved the cable company for last, as I want to drop their service entirely and go with someone else, and said cable company has just been in the news for being unbelievably difficult to deal with when cancelling service. Warily, I call customer service and tell them I want to cancel. Of course, I get transferred to a customer retention operator.)

Me: “Yes, I need to cancel my service as I’m moving to another city.”

Operator: “May I ask where you’re moving to?”

Me: *names city in another part of the state*

Operator: “Oh, well, we also serve that area! You can just have your service moved!”

Me: “Well, I really need to cancel.”

Operator: “You’ll be able to keep the same service there!”

Me: *having a sudden blast of inspiration* “Well, you see, I’m moving in with someone else… and they already have cable set up, so there’s no reason for me to move it or keep it!”

Operator: *pauses* “All right, then, let’s get your service cancelled!”

(And then cancellation was like a breeze. In retrospect, the guy probably wasn’t fooled, but it probably gave him a good reason to just go ahead with cancellation rather than having to pressure another customer to stay. Yes, I was lying. Usually I prefer to be honest with people, but in this case, after a much-publicized case of them high-pressuring customers to stay with them, I think I was justified.)