When The Tea-Light Goes Out The Dark Souls Come Out

, , , , , | Right | April 23, 2019

(A customer comes in with an oil burner he bought the previous week, which he wants to return as he says it is faulty. Our store will accept returns only in the case of goods being faulty.)

Me: “No problem. Let’s have a look… What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “The bowl isn’t deep enough. The oil dried up before the tea-light finished burning, and now there’s a stain on the inside of the bowl. It’s shoddy.”

Me: “Erm. You need to top it up with oil now and again to make sure it doesn’t burn dry—“

Customer: “No! It’s faulty! It’s not fit for purpose! The bowl should be deeper so that the oil lasts the same time as the tea-light!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there isn’t a standard rule for oil burner bowl sizes. I can’t give you a refund for a product you’ve used if it’s not fa—“

Customer: “IT IS FAULTY!”

Me: “It’s not faulty. You shouldn’t leave a burning candle unattended—“

Customer: “This is fraud! You are fraudulent! It’s £5! Give me my money back. You’ve conned me. You may have a nice face, but you have a dark soul. A dark soul!”

(My manager escorted the customer out of the shop.)

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What A Complete Melon

, , , , | Right | March 23, 2018

(I work at a farm during the summer, and I sometimes have to use the cash registers because it’s usually very busy. A man comes into the store with a cart and immediately heads for the cantaloupe display, which is located in the corner of the store. All of a sudden, I hear a loud “THUD.” The customer is picking up each cantaloupe individually and sniffing it, then violently dropping it back into the case.)

Me: *looks over* “Sir, may I ask that you please don’t drop the cantaloupes?”

Customer: “But that’s how you know they’re fresh. If they make a good sound, they’re fresh.”

Me: “Sir, I assure you that the cantaloupes are fresh, and if you drop them, you’ll damage them.”

Customer: “I know what I’m doing! I’m a chef for a very fine restaurant!”

Me: “Just please don’t damage our produce, sir; we don’t have a lot of cantaloupes left.”

(I walk away for a while, and after a few minutes, he comes up to the checkout lane, where my coworker and I are working the cash register.)

Coworker: “Hello, how are you?”

Customer: *mumbles*

Coworker: “Did you find everything okay, sir?”

Customer: “These cantaloupes aren’t fresh!” *picks up a cantaloupe and holds it over the counter, raised high above his head* “Look!”

(He drops it, and it splatters all over the counter, and all over my coworker and I.)

Coworker: “[My Name], would you clean this up, please?”

(As I start to clean up the mess, the man launches into a lecture on how it’s unacceptable that we sell “unripe” cantaloupes. My coworker interrupts him.)

Coworker: “Sir, any cantaloupe will break if you smash it. Now, get out of this store.”

Customer: “NO! I want to see the manager!”

Coworker: “I am the manager. Get out.”

(The customer shuffled out of the store, leaving three cantaloupes behind. All of them were badly bruised and had to be thrown away. My boss’s son decided that he would take the bad cantaloupes and feed them to his chickens, which they greatly enjoyed!)

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Shirley, They Can’t Be Serious

, , , , , , | Working | November 16, 2017

(My coworker, responsible for quality, sees me.)

Coworker: “Ah, [My Name], is there any news on the microscope repair?”

Me: “I’m going to call the engineer shortly.”

Coworker: “What if he doesn’t want to be called shortly?”

Me: “Well, as long as I don’t call him Shirley… Or was that not supposed to be an Airplane joke?”

Coworker: “Eh?”

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Your Leave Sheet Is Mud

, , , , , , | Working | October 20, 2017

(I overhear my boss on the phone. It is Monday.)

Boss: “Okay, thanks for letting me know. I’ll put it down on your leave sheet.”


Boss: “Yes, it does have to go down as annual leave. See you on Wednesday.” *hangs up*

Me: “What was that about?”

Boss: “You know that [Coworker] has been at [Music Festival]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Boss: “Well, she booked today off and was going to come into work tomorrow, but when she and her friends sobered up this morning they realised that their car had sunk into the mud, so they won’t be able to set off before this evening at the earliest. I told her that tomorrow would be annual leave, and she asked if it had to be. It’s not sick leave and it’s not compassionate leave, so yes.”

Me: “And it’s rather difficult to be compassionate towards someone who voluntarily goes to stay in a muddy field…”

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Oh My Gourd: Seriously?

, , , , | Right | September 25, 2017

(I am team leader in the produce department. It is a busy Saturday, shortly before I am due to go home. The customer is an older lady, probably in her 60’s.)

Customer: “Hi. Do you have any half cucumbers left?”

Me: “Hi there! No, sorry. We have run out of those, I’m afraid; it’s been a busy day. I can find out when they are next coming in if you like, or we have whole cucumbers you could buy instead.”

Customer: “Don’t you have anymore in the back?”

Me: “No, sorry. We’ve completely sold out.”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to go and check?”

Me: “No, I know for a fact we don’t have any in the back. I’ve been here since 7 am, I worked the delivery that we had this morning, and I have personally been looking after this aisle today, so I know we don’t have any more. Sorry.”

Customer: “My husband and I couldn’t possibly eat a whole one; what do you expect me to do with a whole cucumber?”

(I could think of several possibilities as to where she could put it, but didn’t share these with her!)

Me: “Well, you don’t have to buy a whole one; you could come back another day when we have half cucumbers back in stock.”

Customer: “Oh, no, we definitely need one for tonight. Can’t you cut one in half for me?”

Me: “I’m afraid we can’t do that, as they are different products. The stock on the system would mess up.”

Customer: “How do you normally get half cucumbers?”

Me: “They are delivered to the store pre-packaged, whole ones and half ones in different crates.”

Customer: *turns to her husband* “Did you hear that? He thinks they come in like that.”

Me: “No, I don’t think that, I know that; I have personally taken produce deliveries off the truck and I know for a fact they come into the store pre-packaged like that.”

Customer: “This is outrageous, you wouldn’t get this at [Other High-End Supermarket]. The managing director himself would come down and cut a cucumber in half for you before he let you leave without one!”

Me: “I’m not saying you have to leave without one; I have offered you an alternative whole cucumber. Other than that, I can’t really help, I’m afraid. I can’t cut one in half, because it is essentially a different product. If you wanted a pint of milk, and we only had two-pint bottles left, you wouldn’t expect me to pour a pint out, would you?”

(She didn’t have much to say to that but then started complaining about the price difference, and asked if I could give her a whole cucumber for the price of a half. Half a cucumber was £0.39, a full cucumber was £0.69. But I’d be d***ed if I was going to cave into her. After getting nowhere with me, she approached other colleagues in my department, but they all told her the same thing and referred her back to me as the team leader. She then went to the customer service desk to complain, who, naturally, called someone from my department – me. She then asked to speak to a manager, and after I informed her I was in charge of the department, she stormed off, husband in tow. I thought that was the end of it, until I returned to my department a few minutes later to find her asking bewildered customers if they wanted to go halves on a whole cucumber. She found someone who agreed and snapped one in half, giving me a smug look as she walked away. The best bit, though, is that cucumbers are sold at the same price irrelevant of weight, and her half had the barcode on it, so she paid the full price and the other customer got half for free!)

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