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Hamming It Up For The Boss

, , , , | Working | April 28, 2020

(I’m the OP of this story. I’ve never worked for employers who could be both so generous and so greedy at the same time before that place.

On Good Friday one year — after I’d been hired full-time — the big boss announces that they’ve bought hams for Easter for all the employees, well over 100 people.

Toward the end of the day, my boss tells me to go see the warehouse manager and get my ham.

I head downstairs and find the warehouse manager beaming like Santa Claus.)

Warehouse Manager: “You here for the ham?”

Me: “Yes.”

Warehouse Manager: “Here you go.”

(I take my ham back upstairs. My boss sees me and does a double-take.) 

Boss: “Where’d you get that?”

Me: “From [Warehouse Manager].”

Boss: “[Warehouse Manager] gave that to you? What’d he say?”

Me: “He asked me if I was there for the ham. I said yes and he said, ‘Here ya go.’”

(The boss got a weird look on his face and left. I didn’t know what was going on. Less than ten minutes had passed since I’d talked to him last. I wondered if this was some elaborate prank that had gone wrong. 

Joke was on them, though. Turns out management had bought fancy-dancy honey-baked hams for the employees. But they had bought even fancier-dancier spiral-cut hams for themselves. They forgot to mention this to the warehouse manager. 

He gave me the last one.)

In The Spirit Of Fellowship With Coworkers

, , , , , , | Working | April 27, 2020

This prank on a coworker required a degree of sophistication, preparation, and a little engineering but it came off great. [Target] is in charge of shipping and receiving and works in the warehouse area of our office. [Target] is, I guess you would say, easily spooked, which makes him the perfect candidate.

I rigged up a zip line in the back warehouse, constructed a shape of something resembling a ghost with a wig head and sheet, attached it to the zip line so that it would zoom across the warehouse where it would be captured by our security cameras. I had to put up the zip line for testing and take it down so it wouldn’t be detected during the day.

I finally got it to where Tristan — the name we gave our ghost — would sail across the warehouse at the right speed. The trick was how to get Tristan to release in the middle of the night where he would be captured with a time stamp on our cameras that had night vision. I tied a restraining cord to Tristan and put the other end of the cord in a frozen bottle of water. This way, as the ice turned into water, the string would release and Tristan would complete his journey.

It worked perfectly. So now, we had this video of some unidentified form drifting across the warehouse in the middle of the night on our camera systems.

The next day at work my coworkers [Accomplice #1], [Accomplice #2], and [Target] were in the office chatting. [Accomplice #1] casually mentioned how tired she was because she received a call from our security monitoring company around 4:00 am saying that motion had been detected in our back warehouse.

While they were chatting, [Accomplice #1] began reviewing video footage from the warehouse from the night before. The cameras only record if there is an event, so it wasn’t hard to find the right spot on the footage. Sure enough, at 4:08 am, there was Tristan soaring across the warehouse. The first time they saw it, it was a WTF moment. They ran the footage back.

When [Target] saw it again, there was a momentary pause, then bye! [Target] proceeded to walk back to his area, grab his things, and walk out.

“You tell [Boss] she’s gonna have to get somebody else,” he said, and he proceeded to get in his car and leave. He was gone before anyone had a chance to explain. Finally, after we reached [Target]’s cell phone and explained, he did agree to come back. He was a good sport about it but has sworn revenge on me.

Would You Rather Work With Weirdos Or Creeps?

, , , , , | Working | April 24, 2020

([Coworker #1] and I have an ongoing game where we ask each other “would you rather” questions. Usually, we ask a question in passing and no one else is around. It starts off with “Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant or in his shower drain?” and “Would you rather be a parasitic tick or a bloodsucking leech?”

It has progressed to weirder and weirder questions. Today we are sitting in the lunch room together and I don’t realise that [Coworker #2] has just walked into the room.)

Coworker #1: “Would you rather eat someone else’s eyes from their head or have your eyes gouged out with forks?”

Me: *answers* “Would you rather be shoved up someone else’s a** or have someone shoved up yours?”

Coworker #2: “Nope. No lunch for me today.” *walks out*

Pro Tip: Don’t Be A JERK

, , , , | Working | April 13, 2020

(It is a Tuesday and I just got done cleaning out the fridge at work, something I am expected to do daily. Today, there was only one thing to remove: a partially empty can of tea. Fast forward to dismissal time and we are changing out of our uniforms in the locker room. [Employee #2] is my working partner, meaning we split the daily tasks between us.)

Employee #1: *passive-aggressively* “Somebody threw out my tea. Tea that costs money. If it was [Employee #2], I’m sure it was a mistake. But somebody still threw out my tea.”

Me: “Pro tip: don’t put your drink in the door of the fridge because if someone were to open the door too fast, it will fall over and spill everywhere–”

Employee #1: “Did you just say, ‘pro tip’?”

Me: “Yes.”

Employee #1: “Oh, God.”

(She then is pretty much ready to head out the door and go home but not before she shares these parting words of wisdom:)

Employee #1: “Well, you can take your ‘pro tip’ and shove it up your a**!”

(The next day arrives, and we receive a huge order of many extremely heavy pallets that all have to be moved upstairs. We have elevators for this so it is not so bad. The problem employee barely speaks to me this entire day, but instead proceeds to rally the rest of the team against me, sends the elevator to the wrong floor on purpose causing me to lose time moving pallets, and when she does speak it’s to ridicule me and make my day as mentally miserable as possible. I let this go on for one more day, but on Thursday, I attempt to arrange a meeting with a supervisor and the problem worker at the same time. Nothing can be arranged until Friday. Remember that this started on Tuesday. On Friday, I am in the office alone with a supervisor and tell him everything that’s been happening and I am extremely honest about even my own shortcomings. He calls in the troublemaker for what is essentially an ambush. I didn’t want her to be able to plan any of her words.)

Supervisor: “[My Name] here has been telling me that you’ve been very passive-aggressive for the past couple of days and I would like to hear your perspective.”

(For the most part, her story holds to the truth. That is, until we get to the Q&A part of the meeting.)

Supervisor: “She also tells me you’ve been sending the elevator to different floors than the one she was on.”

Employee #1: *not even a split-second hesitation* “Oh, I thought I heard someone calling that they needed the elevator, so I sent it over.”

Me: *internally* “Really? And what is so difficult about pressing the elevator call button that this certainly imaginary person couldn’t do it for themselves?”

Me: *outwardly* “And what about throwing my own words back at me like they were poison? You just stood there and watched me struggle with a pallet, but you didn’t have any ‘pro tips’ for me?”

Employee #1: *another split-second hesitation* “Oh, you were hauling pro mix so I was trying to be punny by saying, ‘pro tip.’”

Me: *internally* “Except for the fact that you ridiculed my choice of words before any of us knew the pro mix would be delivered. Are we now suddenly clairvoyant? Makes perfect sense!”

Supervisor: “Well, we’ll need to stop this hostility. [Employee #1], if you or anyone else has any complaints, please come to me or any other supervisors next time, okay? Don’t take it out on your coworkers. [My Name], you’ll have to stop cleaning the fridge for now until we can come up with a better system for making sure new items don’t get removed by accident.”

(It was fair enough for the interim, but I was still only doing my job. I learned something very unpleasant about a coworker that I once thought was cool: liar, and a quick one. But she did try to make it up to me later after dismissal by telling me to have a good weekend, something she has never done before. It actually made me tear up a little because I was reminded that she’s not all bad. For the record, others rallied to my cause without even being told to. I have more friends at this place than I thought!)

We Have An Irony Warehouse

, , , , , , | Working | March 2, 2020

(I work in a building that is half office spaces and half warehouse. Most of the warehouse staff does not have a work computer of their own to use like those of us in the office area. One of our new VPs sends out a company-wide email with important updates and forms regarding our company’s health insurance. At the end is this gem:)

Email: “If you do not have access to a computer please contact a supervisor to review this information.”