(I do deliveries for a florist. I just got hired. The supervisor is a young guy that looks like he’s in his twenties and has a bad attitude. I just have shown up to work.)

Supervisor: “Why are you just standing around? Did you clock in?”

Me: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Supervisor: “What? Didn’t you get an email from [Florist]?!”

Me: “I didn’t get an email.”

(At this point, I’m getting miffed, because by his tone he seems to think it is my fault.)

Supervisor: “Well, don’t you wanna get PAID?!”

Me: “That would be nice, yes.”

Supervisor: *now agitated* “Call [Boss]! Call him right now! Tell him to send you an email!” *storms away*

(I pulled out my cell phone, and called him. He sent it and everything was okay. Later, the supervisor angrily fired me because ‘they over-hired,’ but I somehow think otherwise…)

(I’m a shipping clerk in a large warehouse, one of only two women in a staff of over 30. It’s hockey play-off time and I’m surrounded by burly warehouse workers hashing over last night’s game and getting into heated arguments. During a break in the bickering…)

Me: “You know, you guys talk about hockey as though it actually matters.”

(Cue crickets chirping.)

Me: *to coworker* “When you are applying for a job, we all know to update our resumes and keep them current. Right?”

Coworker: “Yup, why?”

Me: “I’m going through some resumes and I feel like I need to dispense some basic advice. One: if you must abbreviate titles, the abbreviation for “Assistant Supervisor” is not “Ass Supervisor.” Two: ensure the software with which you are familiar is current. You get no brownie points for having knowledge in Netscape Navigator, WordPerfect, or Lotus 1-2-3. Three: keep your contact information current. Please do not use your ex-spouse’s telephone number. We don’t want to hear about how they hope you get this job because they owe you back child support or how that “p.o.s.” and you are going through a divorce…”

(I work at a distributor’s warehouse as a pick/pack/ship foreman. Early in the morning, the boss is patrolling the floor and sees a packer just standing at his queue.)

Boss: “Everything okay? You don’t appear to have packed anything yet.”

Packer: “It’s fine.” *adds a book to the box* “I’m just taking a breather.”

Boss: “Fine, just make sure your queue doesn’t get backed up. These shipments need to go out today.”

(My boss walks off to take care of other matters and returns about an hour later. The packer is again just standing at his queue, which now has several more orders.)

Boss: “What are you doing? This is the same order you had when I was here last time.” *looks in the box* “You haven’t even added anything since I left. Get to work!”

(The packer begins to pack items. [Boss] goes to take care of other matters again and returns about another hour later. The packer is again just standing around. The queue is completely backed up. The same order is in front of him, partially packed.)

Boss: “Do you have a problem?”

Packer: “No.”

Boss: “I need workers, not slackers. Look, you have a choice. You can either do your job, or you can go home. At this point, I don’t care which.”

Packer: “Fine, I’m going home.”

(The packer leaves. [Boss] goes to his office and fills out a termination form for the packer. The next day, the packer comes into the warehouse and the boss stops him at the door.)

Boss: “What are you doing here?”

Packer: “I’m going to work.”

Boss: “No, you’re not. You quit yesterday.”

Packer: “No, I didn’t. You said I could go home.”

Boss: “You quit when you left the job site. Go home.”

(The boss shuts the door in his face and walks away. Later, an employee approaches the boss.)

Employee: “Do you know what’s wrong with [Packer]? He’s just standing by the door with his mouth gaping.”

Boss: “I’ll take care of it.” *to the packer* “You have five minutes to leave before I call security on you for trespassing.”

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(We have a very, very annoying internal software that crashes regularly, and causes endless trouble.)

Me: “So I dreamt that our office was captured by aliens and we were held hostages by them at laser-gun point.”

Two Male Colleagues: “And then?”

Me: “The aliens started saying that they are technologically more advanced than us because they run [Company Software].”

Two Male Colleagues: *start laughing deliriously*

Me: “And by the way, in my dream you two reacted in the exact same way and were pulverised by the aliens.”

Two Male Colleagues: “A very honourable death indeed.”

Me: “Yeah, I remember thinking ‘oh no, my friends are dead’ and ‘they died an epic death, though, they had a point.’”