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New Hire, New Fire

| Working | October 8, 2013

(A new family moves to our church community, and I’m trying to be friendly with the oldest daughter.)

New Hire: “Do you know where I can find work?”

Me: “Hmm, we may have something at the company where I work.”

New Hire: “That’s great! I’ve worked in many different offices, so I have a lot of experience as an administrative assistant!”

Me: “No, I already do the office stuff. You’d be cleaning up in the warehouse. It’ll be gross and dirty. Maybe you don’t want to do something like that?”

New Hire: “No, I’m totally interested! I want ANY job!”

(Since she’s so enthused and adamant about getting a job, I talk to my boss and get them in contact with each other. After her interview, he hires her on the spot to start the next day.)

(I work a 6 am to noon shift. I approach my bus after 8 am.)

Me: “The new hire was supposed to come in today, right?”

Boss: “Yeah, about 30 minutes ago. I think she’s running late because of the bus.”

Me: “Yeah, probably.”


Me: “Do you think she got lost on the way here?”

Boss: “Can you call her?”

Me: “She doesn’t have a cell phone.”

Boss: “Well, it’s okay for her to be late today. We’re hard to find, and she’s taking the bus.”

(Later, near the end of my shift…)

Boss: “She didn’t show up at all. What if something happened to her?”

Me: “I do have her house number, but it’s not on me right now. I’ll call first thing when I get home and talk to her family.”

(Sometime after noon, I call her house as promised.)

New Hire: “Hello?”

Me: “[New Hire]? Is that you?”

New Hire: “Oh! Heh, yeah, it’s me.”

Me: “So, uh, what happened? Did you have some sort of trouble getting to the office?”

New Hire: “No, I never came.”

Me: “Why?!”

New Hire: “I have something to do later tonight, so I couldn’t come in today.”

Me: “But we work in the morning. How does that interfere with anything going on tonight?”

New Hire: “I have to get ready.”

Me: *sighs* “Whatever. Why didn’t you call the office to let us know that you weren’t coming? We were worried about you!”

New Hire: “Um… I would have, but I don’t have the number to the office. No one ever gave it to me!”

Me: “I know you have the number because I gave you the business card. [Boss] gave you one too. The number is right on the business card!”

New Hire: “Oh! Yeah, it is.”

Me: “You have to call [Boss] to let him know that you’re okay and that you just couldn’t make it in today.”

New Hire: “Can’t you tell him for me?”

Me: *really annoyed now* “No. That’s your responsibility! You were talking to him face-to-face yesterday. You could have told him that you couldn’t start today. Why didn’t you say anything then?”

New Hire: “Uh… I couldn’t tell him, because I was shy?”

Me: “Y’know, it’s common courtesy to let people know when you’re running late or can’t show up. And really, you CAN’T do that to your BOSS! That’s not professional!”

New Hire: “I’m really sorry. Can you tell him for me?”

Me: “No! You could have called earlier, but you didn’t, so you’re going to call him right now and apologize and make sure you’re still coming in tomorrow!”

New Hire: “Okay, okay, I’ll call.”

Me: “Good.”

(The next day, I ask my boss if she ever called. She didn’t! I explain to him what happened, and he fires her, if you can fire a person who has never shown up for a day of work. She did manage to get hired somewhere else, but I heard that she eventually got fired for pulling a similar stunt.)

Fortune Favors The Bold Admissions

| Working | September 14, 2013

(I work as a supervisor at a warehouse part-owned by my father. Even though I’m well suited for the job, there’s no denying that nepotism played a small role in my getting it. While working, Creedence Clearwater Revival’s song ‘Fortunate One’ is playing on the radio.)

Me: “It ain’t me!”

Coworker: “It ain’t me!”

Me: “I ain’t—wait, I am the fortunate one. I’ll stop singing.”

Had A Rumble With The Slytherin Gang

| Working | August 5, 2013

(A coworker and I are talking while on break. I’ve just told him about a gang fight I was in a few years ago, when I had to walk through a rough neighborhood at night to get to my car after work.)

Coworker: “Wow. That’s crazy. I’ve never been in a fight.”

Me: “Keep it that way. It sucks when you show up to work the next day with a black eye, or get home and have to explain to your roommates why you have a fat lip and a bloody nose.”

Coworker: “I can see that conversation now: ‘So there was this guy just laying there, not moving with his fist up in the air.'”

Me: “There was a basilisk on the loose and I was holding up a mirror and running toward him when I fell.”

Coworker: “It turns out I tripped over a petrified cat!”

Me: “But at least I was able to save the guy from the deadly gaze of the basilisk.”

Coworker: “We’re huge nerds, aren’t we?”

Me: “I don’t even have the slightest problem with that.”

This New Hire Just Blue It

| Working | May 9, 2013

(My father assembles wooden deck and lifeguard chairs and I paint them. We’ve hired a new girl, who insists she is a savant with a spray gun.)

Me: “Just do red today. Tomorrow is blue.”

New Girl: “Can I draw a little something something on the chairs?”

Me: “Not today. But if you submit a design, we’ll let you do a mock up next week.”

New Girl: “I’m hella good. Trust me. I’ll show you!”

(She takes the paint sprayer and holds down the trigger. Instead of being a skilled spray paint artist, she blasts red paint all over the floor, her, me, and a batch of chairs meant to be blue. She didn’t even say sorry. She just dropped the sprayer and walked out crying about her shoes.)

Show ‘Em Who’s Boss

| Working | April 24, 2013

(I’m in college and have just started working for my dad’s company for a summer job. I’ve been working there about a week when another coworker, a college student, starts work there.)

Coworker: “You have to do the [menial stuff], and I’ll supervise you. I’m in tight with [assistant HR Manager], so you have to do what I say.”

(I ignore him, and continue doing my job. He starts getting mad because I’m not doing his.)

Coworker: “Didn’t you hear me? You have to do my work while I supervise, or else I’ll call [assistant HR Manager] and say that you are lazy. He’ll believe me because we are tight.”

(This goes on for a few more minutes when [assistant HR Manager] comes down to the press area.)

Coworker: “Now you’re in trouble!  I’ll tell him how much you’ve been slacking off, and he’ll fire you!”

(My coworker starts walking to [assistant HR Manager], puts his hand out, and calls him by name. However, the assistant HR manager ignores him and shakes my hand instead.)

Assistant HR Manager: *to me* “How’s work? Are there any problems or anything I can do for you?”

Coworker: *dumbfounded* “What is going on? How do YOU know him?”

Me: “Didn’t you know? My dad is his boss.”

(As soon as he heard this, my coworker shut up, left early, and never came back!)