I’m Not Volunteering Any Felony Information

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2018

(My friend and I are students at a Catholic high school that requires you to do at least 20 hours of community service in order to be able to pass or graduate. We’re both female, but I’m a junior while she’s a sophomore. We are currently volunteering at a donation-run thrift store.)

Customer: “Excuse me, dear. I was looking at these paintings, and this one doesn’t have a price tag. Could you tell me how much this one is supposed to cost?”

Friend: “I’m sorry, but I’m only a volunteer, so I don’t really know. However, I can go and bring an employee who will know, if you’d like.”

Customer: “It’s all right; I don’t really need this, anyway. So, you’re doing community service? How many hours do you have left to do?

Friend: “Well, all of my hours are done after my shift, and my shift ends at six. So, about three hours left to go.”

Customer: “That’s good. So, what did you do in order to have to do community service?”

Friend: “Huh? This is the community service project that all of the students at my high school have to do. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Customer: *laughs* “Oh, honey, there’s no need to lie to me! I know that all of you teenagers who do community service do it because the courts force you to. Let me guess. You were recklessly driving?”

Friend: “Ma’am, I told you this is a community service project for my high school. I have not committed any crimes. I just want to pass my sophomore year.”

Customer: *sighs* “I don’t know why you are bothering to lie to me. Behavior like that will only make you into more of a convict than you already are. Such a shame.”

Friend: “…”

Customer: “Well, I’m going to check out now. Try to keep yourself out of more trouble, dear.”

(The customer goes to check out. Meanwhile, my friend walks up to me after I’m finished helping my customer.)

Friend: “I’m pretty sure a customer just called me a convict.”

A Hurricane Of Volunteers

, , , , , | Hopeless | September 30, 2017

(My sister works for a travel agency. Most of her clients rent vacation homes in the Caribbean: Barbuda, Antigua, and other islands recently devastated by a record-breaking hurricane. Because of this disaster, she has been continuously fielding calls from irate customers who either demand refunds, want to know why their flight is cancelled, or generally display a lack of concern for those who lost everything in the hurricane. Then, she gets this gem of a gentleman.)

Caller: “Hi! I wonder if you can tell me about my upcoming vacation. I’m worried the hurricane probably ruined the beach house. I also want to check my flight and see if it’s possible that it’s still a go.”

Sister: “Okay, let me look up your account… Yeah, it looks like your reservation was on one of the islands affected; we haven’t been able to contact anyone on the island, period, let alone the specific owner of the condo you reserved. I don’t see any problems with the airline listed, but that doesn’t mean it will still fly out; everything is a mess down there.”

Caller: “That’s not too surprising. I looked up the airport information, and it looks like they had some damage but are staying open.”

Sister: “I don’t know how long it will take to get the systems back to normal, but I have the information you need to try and start the process for a refund. I know it’s frustrating that everything is held up at the moment, but if you could fill out the forms at least, we can send them for you as soon as possible.”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t plan to cancel. I am just loading up my suitcases with supplies that people are running out of down there, and I’m going to try and volunteer for something if the flight isn’t cancelled. Thanks!” *hangs up*

Sister: *speechless*

Putting The Pain Into Campaigning

| CO, USA | Working | October 17, 2014

(During the 2012 presidential campaign, I volunteer for activities and campaigning in Colorado as a means to kill time before I move to another state to go to college. As it is summertime before I move, there is nothing for me to do. However, after I move to school, which is about 1,000 miles away, I get a series of phone calls.)

Caller: Hi, we saw you are interested in volunteering for [Candidate A]’s campaign. When would you be interested in coming in to help?”

Me: “Sorry, I cannot. I currently reside in [Different State] to go to college. As geography makes it difficult for me to volunteer in Colorado, I think its best you remove me from your call list. Thank you, though.”

(One week later.)

Caller: “Hello, I am with [Candidate A]’s presidential campaign for Colorado. Would you be interested in volunteering for us?”

Me: “No. As I explained before, I am in [different state]. It is virtually impossible for me to volunteer. Furthermore, I asked my name be removed from your call list. Please do so now.”

(Two weeks go by. I am studying for an exam and guess who calls.)

Caller: “Hello. I am with [Candidate A]’s presidential campaign in Colorado. We noticed you are interested in volunteering for this campaign, and we would like to—”

Me: “Stop right there. I have asked repeatedly for you to remove my name from your call sheet, as I live in a completely different state. If any of you call me again, I will vote for [Candidate B] out of spite.”

(They have stopped calling since!)

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Shuffling And Trotting To The End

| USA | Friendly | March 12, 2014

(I volunteer at a nonprofit organization, calling other volunteers we have not heard from recently.)

Volunteer’s Husband: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello! My name is [My Name] and I am a volunteer with [Nonprofit]. I am looking for [Volunteer]. Is she available?”

Volunteer’s Husband: “You’re looking for [Volunteer]?”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

Volunteer’s Husband: “Well, I found her many years ago, and I have kept her ever since. I intend on keeping her, but I suppose if you’re willing to wait a minute and a half, or maybe less, she’ll shuffle in and I can give her the phone, and you’ll have found her… Ah! Here she comes, walkin’ in… Not trotting, mind you, but she’s still fully capable of doing that, if you were wondering… And, since you’ve waited so patiently, I suppose I’ll give the phone over to her and she can say hello. [Volunteer], say hello to the girl!”

(After which he handed the phone to his wife and I was able to speak to her. Thank you, sir, for making my day with your wonderful way of answering the phone!)

Out Bat-ter Angels

, , | NY, USA | Right | September 24, 2012

(I work at a hospital. Every week, we host an event where volunteers come in and entertain some of the sick children. On this particular day, most of the volunteers are dressed up as superheroes.)

Superman: “Who wants me to see if I can pull a penny out of their nose?”

Child #1: *in a wheelchair* “Me! Me!”

Superman: *doing his magic trick* “I’m afraid I can’t. All I could find were all these quarters!”

(Superman magically pulls out a quarter and gives it to [Child #1]. A few minutes later, [Child #1] returns.)

Child #1: “Superman! Superman! I bought candy with the money you found! This one’s for you.”

(At this point, one of two volunteers dressed as Spider-man speaks up.)

Spider-man #1: “Where’d he get that candy?”

Child #2: “There’s a vending machine in the hallway.”

Spider-man #1: “They let you buy candy? That’s not healthy.”

Spider-man #2: “I’m sure the nurses here are aware of what the kids eat.”

Child #2: “It’s true. They’re really strict.”

Spider-man #1: “It’s just not healthy…”

(Meanwhile, Superman is continuing his trick.)

Superman: “…and another one in the left ear, and another one in the right ear. Wait! I haven’t checked your nose for quarters yet.”

Child #3: *after Superman’s finished* “What kind of candy do you want, Superman?”

Superman: “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’m Superman! Superman can make candy with his mind.”

Child #3: “Nuh uh! I saw the movie!”

Superman: “Oh, yeah? Watch this!”

(He closes his eyes and concentrations hard, then pretends to catch something out of the air.)

Superman: “Ah-ha! Chocolate!”

Spider-man #1: “Don’t give her that. They get too much sugar.”

Nurse: “It’s fine, sir.”

Spider-man #1: “No!”

(All of a sudden, Spider-man #1 grabs the chocolate from Superman, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it. He’s clearly out of control and scaring the children.)

Spider-man #1: “Food like that will just keep you sick! They just want you to stay here and keep buying their s****y candy to keep you sick so they can get your money! They just—”

(At that moment, a man dressed as Batman appears with his cape wrapped around him. Surprised, Spider-man #1 begins stuttering.)

Spider-man #1: “Uh… what do you want?”

Batman: *in a deep voice* “I want this hospital to be a place of hope. I want these children to enjoy their lives. I want the forces of darkness forever beaten.”

(He drops the cloak, revealing the police uniform underneath it.)

Batman: *cuffs Spider-man #1* “I want justice!”

(The children all cheer, relieved. A month later, one of the children who has been in the hospital for a very long time is getting ready to leave. When someone asks him what his favorite memory of the volunteer nights was, he says…)

Child: “When crazy Spider-man went crazy and Batman took off his costume and he was an actually real hero and made crazy Spider-man go away!”

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