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You Shouldn’t Volunteer That Information

, , , , | Right | March 11, 2022

I count myself very lucky to have retired very early in life. I spend a lot of my time with family, in the garden, and volunteering.

I get a lot of odd looks from the other volunteers who are much older than me or otherwise unable to work. No one has ever said anything. I can only assume they think I am either rich — I am not, my house is paid and I have just enough to live modestly — or lazy.

I treat it as a job. I’m the first one there, and I’m always busy or finding something to do. I try to act professionally and courteously to the customers. It’s just who I am and what I am used to.

One of the regulars comes up to me.

Regular: “You know what? We are always so happy to see you serving. You know all the prices and we never have any issue with you.”

Me: “Thank you. I enjoy it here and I like to be good at what I do.”

Regular: “I do wonder why you’re not the manager. Or why you don’t have a real job.”

Me: “Er… I retired, some time ago actually. I had a job, but I don’t need to work as I did back then.”

Regular: “But I’ve seen you up and down those aisles, checking on things, showing the others what to do. You could be put there doing something.”

Me: “I am doing something; the work [Charity] does is important and I enjoy it.”

Regular: “No, no, no. You should have a proper job — a man your age. Not just stood around behind a counter. Do something more like a real job. You don’t even know what work is!”

I was the best worker a few seconds ago, and now my job isn’t even real.

Me: “I did have a real job. I built my company from the ground up and hired dozens of people. I worked late nights, early mornings, and long days. But it was all a success. I sold it, paid my mortgage, and retired. I know what real work is and I’ve been there done that. I’ve already made my money, so that’s why I’m here.”

The regular is silent for some time.

Regular: “So… can I have this for free, as you have all this money?”

I tried to explain that no, my money is not the charity’s money, nor would I buy him anything. And no, my coworker wouldn’t buy it for him, either. He kept coming back and would occasionally say something stupid. Luckily, I could just avoid him, and as a volunteer, I wouldn’t get into any trouble.

The Cop Car Needs An Ambulance And The Lieutenant Needs To Chill

, , , , , , , | Legal | November 19, 2021

I used to volunteer with my township’s all-volunteer first aid squad. For overnight calls from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am, we responded by pager from our homes. I had a quick five-minute drive to the squad building where I picked up an ambulance and a partner before heading to a call for help.

One morning at 3:00 am, my pager sounded with a call for CPR in progress. I drove quickly (but safely) to the squad building and then headed by ambulance with my partner to the home of the patient. There was an extra sense of urgency due to the nature of the call, but I drove safely and legally.

Upon arrival at the house, I noticed a police car parked on the street in front of the house; it was standard practice in the town for police to respond to every first aid call. My intention was to pull in front of the police car and park along the curb. I slowed and started the maneuver. All of a sudden, I heard a loud crunch and scraping and felt the ambulance rock. I had hit the police car!

I pulled up and parked. There was nothing to do about the accident right then. We had a patient to attend to. As we entered the house with our equipment, however, the police informed us that the patient had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order so CPR had never actually been started. We had to wrap up some paperwork issues and were soon ready to leave. It was then that I approached the officer.

Me: “Hey, [Officer], I hate to have to tell you this. I hit your police car. I’m so sorry. It’s pretty bad.”

The officer and I went out to look. I had heavily damaged the front driver’s side of the vehicle. The tire was pointed perpendicular to the car and the fender was completely smashed in. The ambulance had a gouge down the back half of the passenger side. The scene was a mess.

Officer: “All right, accidents happen. I’ll call my lieutenant and we’ll make an accident report.”

Me: “I can’t believe I did this. I’m so very sorry. I’ve been a member of [Squad] for thirteen years. I’ve been driving for twenty-eight years and I’ve never been in an accident where I was at fault.”

The lieutenant on duty arrived and I explained what happened as best I could. To this day, I still don’t really know how I did it. Obviously, I was too close. But it didn’t seem that way to me as I was pulling in. It shook my confidence in driving. I was very embarrassed.

I was too shaken up to go to work that day, so I took the day off. Somewhere around mid-morning, my doorbell rang. It was the lieutenant.

Lieutenant: “Hi, [My Name]. I had to issue this ticket to you for careless driving. I’m required to do so for insurance purposes.”

Me: “No, you’re not. I’m a licensed insurance agent. I deal with claims all the time. There isn’t an insurance company in the state that requires a ticket to be issued in order to pay on a claim.”

Lieutenant: “Well, it’s been written. Here you go.”

I was angry. I knew the ticket involved points on my license and would cause my insurance premium to rise. I knew the lieutenant only by sight, as he didn’t answer first aid calls. He certainly didn’t know me, but he must have looked up my driving record and seen that I didn’t have any at-fault accidents and not even as much as a parking ticket in my life.

A few days later, at the scene of another first aid call, the responding sergeant approached me.

Sergeant: “Hey, [My Name], I heard about what happened. Did [Lieutenant] actually issue you a ticket for careless driving?”

Me: “Yes, he did.”

Sergeant: “That’s bulls***. The whole department is talking about it and we all agree. Do you have a court date?”

Me: “Yes, it’s scheduled for [date and time].”

Sergeant: “Great, I’m on duty that date. Here, take my cell number. When you go, speak to the district attorney. I know him. Tell him I want to talk to him.”

Me: “Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.”

On the day of court, I arrived and got in line to speak with the DA. I explained the circumstances of the accident. I also gave him [Sergeant]’s phone number and told him that [Sergeant] wanted to speak with him.

DA: “Wait a minute. Let me get this right. You were volunteering your time in the middle of the night for the first aid squad when this happened? And [Lieutenant] still issued you a ticket?”

Me: “Yes.”

DA: “How fast were you going at the time?”

Me: “Well, I was on a residential street and I was pulling in to park along the curb. I couldn’t have been going any faster than five miles per hour.”

DA: “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I don’t even need to speak with [Sergeant]. You don’t deserve a careless driving charge on your record. I’m lowering the charge to impeding the flow of traffic. It’s a no-point ticket and the fine is only [low amount] instead of [much higher amount]. And I’m going to talk to [Police Chief]. He’ll have a chat with [Lieutenant].”

Me: “Thank you so much!”

And so it was. I plead guilty to the lower charge and paid the small fine. I was an apprehensive driver for some time after that. Since I didn’t know exactly what I had done wrong in causing the accident, I didn’t know what it was that I should be doing differently. Luckily, it’s now ten years later, and I haven’t had any at-fault mishaps.

Most Moms WANT Their Kids To Build Character

, , , , , , | Related | September 16, 2021

I was deployed to Louisiana as a volunteer disaster responder after Hurricane Katrina. The damage was so great, and the media coverage so thorough, that an unprecedented number of people volunteered for the first time to come down south and help out.

My job at the time was shuttle driver; I ferried volunteers and their luggage back and forth from the headquarters building and the local airport. Quite late one evening, I was called to pick up a young college student whose flight had just arrived.

When I got to the airport, she was standing next to an older woman who, as it turned out, was her mother. This woman got in a car and followed us to the HQ, followed us INTO the HQ, and then tagged after us while I signed in the new volunteer and showed her where she would be sleeping.  

Mom took one look at the sleeping room — three rows of snoring volunteers on rickety cots or on blankets on the floor — and hit the roof.

Mom: *Hissing* “You are not staying here!”

She grabbed her daughter by the arm and frog-marched her back out to the car.

This woman — upon learning that her lovely child had signed up to do relief work — had driven down to Louisiana from Ohio in her car, timing it so that she could meet her daughter’s plane and check us out.

I guess we didn’t pass muster. I felt so sorry for the girl; I wonder if she ever managed to get out from under Mom’s thumb.

Enough To Make You MADD

, , , , | Learning | September 10, 2021

While in college, every Saturday, I volunteered for a program working with special needs kids that could also double as a one-credit class, though I was just there for the kids, not the credit. We would get thirty minutes of “class,” teaching us stuff about working with special needs kids. Then, the kids would arrive, and we were each paired up with one child for two hours of play and lessons.

One day, while I waited for the class to start up, I was speaking with one of the other volunteers about my first experiences volunteering with special needs kids.

Me: “Since I was new to it all, they paired me up with the easiest child they had to watch, a kid with ADHD who wasn’t even all that hyperactive. But I’m ADD myself, so I couldn’t help but feel they had a ‘blind leading the blind’ situation going on, you know?”

Volunteer: “Wait, you’re ADD?”

Me: “Yeah, technically ADHD/inattentive variant, but it’s easier to just say ADD.”

Volunteer: “Wow. I wouldn’t have guessed you were ADD. You don’t seem desperate to get attention at all!”

Me: “Umm, I really don’t think you understand what ADHD is.”

I explained what ADHD was to him, but his comments made it clear that he honestly thought that the hyperactivity of ADHD was nothing more than attention-seeking from someone clinically diagnosed as so desperate for attention that they needed to act out to get it.  

I was sorely tempted to suggest he may want to consider repeating the class we were in next year, since he could use some more remedial training in special needs.

Their Relationship Must Be Deafeningly Quiet

, , , , | Right | July 30, 2021

I am part of a group that does volunteer work. We had an event coming up, and for the first time, I was calling members to ask them to help out. It went really well until I tried to call this one guy. A woman picks up the phone.

Woman: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi. I am [My Name] from [Volunteer Group]. May I please speak with [Man]?”

Woman: “What?”

Me: *Slightly louder* “Umm, hello! I am [My Name] from [Volunteer Group]. May I please speak with [Man]?”

Woman: *Calling out LOUDLY* “[Man]! Someone’s on the phone for you!”

Man: *Distant but still loud* “WHAT?!”

Woman: “Someone’s on the phone!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

Woman: “THE PHONE!”

Man: “WHO IS IT?”

Woman: “It’s someone from [Volunteer Group]!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

Woman: “PUT YOUR HEARING AIDS IN!”

Man: “THEY ARE IN! WHAT IS IT?”

Woman: “Come answer the phone!”

Man: “WHAT?!”

They went back and forth like this for several more minutes, getting louder and louder, arguing among other things about HER needing hearing aids, too. I finally just gave up and moved on to the next volunteer.

I mentioned this at our next meeting and everyone acknowledged this couple are both quite hard of hearing and don’t like to admit it.