(I am working in the box office on a busy weekend with a coworker, just before Mother’s Day. A man in his thirties or forties comes to me because my coworker has a family in her line, buying tickets.)

Customer: “Hello, I’d like a gift card.”

Me: “All right, I can sell them here.”

(I begin to reach for our gift cards, which are quite plain; they’re a solid color with our company name on them.)

Customer: “Do you not have anything… prettier?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we do not have Mother’s Day-themed gift cards.”

Customer: *grimacing, hesitates* “Well… can you tell me about them?”

Me: “Um… Our gift cards never expire, you can use them for tickets or concessions, and we can put any amount you want on them.”

Customer: “Well, you have senior discounts, right? Do they work on those?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(My coworker, by this time, has finished her sale and has been listening. The customer looks absolutely confused.)

Coworker: “It’s like, if you had twenty dollars, it spends the same, only you can only use it here. It’s like cash.”

Customer: “Okay… Well, let me get a fifty-dollar gift card.”

(I verify the amount and make the sale, give him the card and his receipt, and thank him. He looks very confused again.)

Customer: “Does it have to be activated?”

Me: “You can use it as soon as I hand it to you, sir.”

(He left, and my coworker and I were silent for several seconds, before she finally asked if he simply didn’t know how a gift card worked, feeling just as confused as I was through the entire transaction. I suppose there’s a first for everything!)

Related:
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 10
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 9
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 8

(My firm has several offices. I work 300 miles away from the “main office.” Sometimes the main office sends clients to my office to sign settlement documents.)

Client: *signs settlement documents* “Okay, where’s my settlement check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I do not have it. It’ll be mailed to you once I get these signed documents back to your caseworker.”

Client: “What? I was told you have it.”

Me: “I do not. I have the settlement documents your case manager faxed me, but no check.  I apologize for the misunderstanding.”

Client: “Well, tell [Caseworker] to fax the check over.”

Me: *laughs*

Client: “I’m serious.”

Me: “…”

Client: “Well?”

Me: “You realize the bank will not take a faxed check, right?”

Client: “Why not?!”

Me: “Hold on one sec; let me see if I can get your caseworker on the phone.” 

(I’m doing some grocery shopping on my way home from work when a woman walks up to me in the produce section.)

Customer: “Do you have any fresh pineapples?”

Me: “Uh, I have no idea if there are any pineapples.”

Customer: “Oh, do you not work here? I’m sorry.”

(She wandered away, the most politely clueless customer ever, as I stood there wondering how on Earth she’d picked me — the off-duty cop still wearing my badge, gun belt, and “POLICE” polo shirt — as the most likely person to be an employee.)

(I have had the weekend from Hell itself, so I am miserable on a Monday night when this gem of a telemarketing scam comes through. For context, I am in the bathroom with horrible cramps when I hear the phone ring and my son brings me the phone. Also, I have my laptop on my lap, and it is definitely not an Apple product, as we are an Apple-free home due to budget.)

Me: “Hello?” *using an outrageous valley girl voice*

Scammer: *with a thick accent* “Hello, ma’am, I am calling from Apple Support to inform you that your iCloud account has been compromised.”

Me: “O-M-G!” 

(Yes, you got that right; I went SUPER valley girl!)

Scammer: “How many Apple devices do you own?”

Me: “Three!”

Scammer: “And what kind are they?”

(He is speaking slowly like I am the airhead I am pretending to b.)

Me: “An iPhone X, a laptop, and uh… an Apple watch.”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, it would seem your account is signalling from many places. Yes, someone in Russia, Germany, and other places have accessed your account. Do you have family from there that could have accessed the account?”

Me: “Noooo…”

Scammer: *huffs* “Well, ma’am, have you shared your account with anyone?”

Me: “NOOOOOOO…”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, I am going to give you a website to go to. What browser do you use?”

Me: *even more excited and outrageous voice* “Safariiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

Scammer: *huffs LOUDER* “If you will go and type in this address.” *proceeds to give me a complex website to go to while attempting to phonetically spell it to me* “Ma’am, have you typed it in?”

Me: *stifling a giggle* “Yesssssss.”

Scammer: *huffs* “What does it say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: *pauses* “What? What did you say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, did you go away from the website?”

Me: “Noooo! This is what came up!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, you need to type that correctly. I do not understand how you are seeing this message.”

Me: *bursts into laughter because he is clueless and dropping into my real voice with a Southern drawl* “Dude, I’m just f****** with you. I’m a candidate for a PhD in military history, and there ain’t s*** in this house that’s an Apple product! You have a good day, sweetie.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable TV Tech Support]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *about sixty years old with a country accent* “Yes, I need a new receiver.”

Me: “Well, what seems to be the problem with the one you have now?”

Customer: “I was cleaning my gun and accidentally shot it.”