A Baker’s Dozen Reasons For Going Out Of Business

, , , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(I drop in at a bakery with some friends.)

Us: “Hi, we’d like a dozen cookies.”

Cashier: “Orders of 12 or more have to wait 20 minutes for new cookies to bake.”

Us: “Well, how about 11?”

Cashier: “Still have to wait.”

Us: “10, 9?”

Cashier: “…”

(So, we waited, but the joke’s on the bakery, because none of us will be back. Turns out the cookies from across the street were better, anyway. What kind of bakery has a wait for a dozen cookies, bagels, cupcakes, etc?)

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Not A Turn-Up For The Books

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I work the front desk at a university library. The actual library building is fairly large and includes a small food court on the basement floor. One day, two girls walk up to the front desk:)

Customer #1: “Hi, do you all have food here?”

Me: *thinking she’s referring to the food court* “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer #1: “Great! Can I get a meatball sub, to go, please?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Ma’am… This is a library. If you want food, the food court is downstairs.”

Customer #2: *hitting her friend on the arm* “You idiot! I told you!”

Customer #1: “What?! He said there was food!”

(They started giggling and walked downstairs.)

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A Tortoise Beats A Hare By Using Time And Relative Dimensions In Space

, , , , , , | Related | November 20, 2017

(My five-year-old asks me to tell him a new fairy tale every night. I have begun to look up lists, as I want to find some I have never heard as well. One night, I decide to tell a fairly old one that I know by heart, since I am tired.)

Me: “Okay, I want to tell you one I already know, since it is late and I am super tired.”

Son: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Well, it’s old, but it has a good message. It’s about a tortoise and hare.”

Son: “A Tardis and a hair?”

Me: *blinks* “What did you say?”

Son: “A Tardis and a hair? Why would the Tardis have hair?”

Me: *laughing* “Not a Tardis… A tortoise! It’s like a turtle. And not a hair, but an H-A-R-E. It’s essentially a rabbit.”

Son: “Oh, I was about to ask if the Doctor changed it because a police box was kind of obvious.”

(I just blinked some more… Who has a five-year-old who thinks about that?!)

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Best To Just Keep It All Closed Down

, , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I’m telling on myself here. I am having some trouble with [Video Chat Client] and finally have to resort to tech support of the chat variety, through my browser.)

Tech Guy: “Hello! Welcome to [Video Chat Client] technical support! My name is [Tech Guy]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi! I’ve been having some trouble with my group chats; I can’t send or receive messages.”

Tech Guy: “Okay, we’ll have to do some troubleshooting. Is it all right if I remotely connect to your computer to better help you?”

Me: “If it’ll help, sure.”

Tech Guy: “Great! So, just close any personal things and everything on your desktop, and then click the following link.”

(I promptly quit everything on my desktop, including the browser, through which I had been talking to [Tech Guy]. I realized a second later when the chat window suddenly closed what I had done, but it was far too late. I had to get back in line and start all over again with a new tech agent. Obviously, I don’t know how [Tech Guy] reacted, but I like to think his reaction was something along the lines of, “huh?”)

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Arcade Dire

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 8, 2017

(I spend quite a bit of time at the video game arcade playing one of those two-person fighting games. There, I meet another player that frequents the place as much as I do. We often choose random characters when playing against each other, just for fun. One day, as we are playing, a young man comes in and puts his token on the machine to indicate he wants to be the next person to play. My arcade friend beats me and I let the new guy take my place as the next challenger. He goes on to beat my friend with some nice moves.)

Friend: “That was pretty good.”

Stranger: “Yeah, well, I come from [Major City] and there, if you aren’t good, they throw you out of the arcade.”

(Next it is my turn. I beat him, after he only gets in one hit.)

Friend: *in a deadpan voice* “Well, that’s how we play around here.”

(The young man did not stick around for a repeat performance.)

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