H2-D’oh!, Part 6

, , , , , | Healthy | April 13, 2019

I’m the dumb patient here.

I had just received a cortisone shot for hip pain and the nurse was giving me post-op instructions, one of which was no soaking baths for three days. I said that I was driving to Chicago the next day and was disappointed that I couldn’t use the hotel hot tub, but then I said, “Well, that’s okay; I’ll just swim extra laps.”

The nurse gave me an odd look and reminded me that the instructions also meant “no swimming.”

H2-D’oh!, Part 5
H2-D’oh!, Part 4
H2-D’oh!, Part 3

Tuna Out The Gifts

, , , , , , | Related | April 11, 2019

Many years ago we had a Maine Coon. He was as friendly as can be, unless you were a squirrel. His favorite thing to do was to decapitate a squirrel and then hide in the bushes next to the front door. As soon as the door would open, he would run inside with the poor thing and drop it on the carpet. I know he was trying to show us how to hunt, but this was a bit much to put up with.

Throwing them out didn’t get the point across, so one day I tried a different tactic. This time I went to the kitchen, grabbed a can of tuna, and started eating it right in front of him. He picked up the dead squirrel and took it outside, and I didn’t see him for three days. I never knew it was possible to insult a cat.

He did forgive me. And in the next 17 years, he never once brought another prize in the house.

Not Just Full Of Hot Air

, , , , , , | Learning | April 10, 2019

(I am in the sixth grade, around age twelve. The teacher enters the room to find one of his students standing on a table.)

Teacher: “[Student], what are you doing on the table? Get down!”

Student: “I’m escaping a fart!”

Teacher: “Well, don’t you know that hot air rises?”

Student: *without missing a beat* “Well, that’s what I come to school for! To learn!”

(The student hopped down and class went on after everyone stopped laughing.)

One Flu Over The Breakfast Bar

, , , , , | Working | March 28, 2019

(My coworker is a very nice guy, but he sometimes puts his foot in his mouth. Today he’s working the register and making small talk with the customers while I prepare the orders. He’s just handed off the cups for drinks to me when the customer asks how he’s doing today.)

Coworker: “Well, I’m doing all right, but I’m just getting over the flu.”

(The customer gets a deer-in-the-headlights look and freezes.)

Me: “And I’ll be the one making your food today.”

Unfiltered Story #144725

, , , | Unfiltered | March 23, 2019

Customer: Are you the library near the Chesapeake Bridge?

Me: Which bridge? There are several bridges here in Chesapeake.

Customer: The Chesapeake Bridge! The Chesapeake Bridge! Near 213.

Me: I’m not familiar with that route number. Could you give me more information? *as I frantically type in Google*

Customer: Oh, just never mind. We will just figure it out. *hangs up*

When I later googled, “Chesapeake Bridge Rt 213” and came up with Chesapeake City, MD. So no, this is not the library you are looking for. Unless you really want to drive 4 1/2 hours.

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