(We have infamous Diamond Members, who are the top prized customers, and usually very unreasonable. We had a power outage earlier.)

Diamond: *on phone* “Is it power back on yet?”

Me: “Yes it is on now.”

Diamond: “Great. I’ll be there.”

(He hangs up, then arrives a few minutes later, very intoxicated.)

Diamond: “My key won’t work! F*** you and this f***ing hotel!” *tosses it at me* “First the blackout, now thisss!”

(Our keys are green, the one he tossed was brown.)

Me: “Sir, that is a key from a different hotel. That is not our key.”

Diamond: *looks vaguely shocked*

Me: *pointing* “See, it says right on here: [Totally Different Hotel’s Name] right on it.”

(He searched for something to retort but left and said nothing. Thank goodness!)

(I’m walking in the frozen section when a customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any pre-made pie crusts?”

Me: “Yes. We have some right here, but also some in dairy right around the corner.”

Customer: “Ah. Do you know the difference between them?”

Me: “One is frozen and one is not?”

Customer: “Okay, thank you.”

(I am working concessions at a movie theater. I already had a bad feeling this customer when I saw her scream at her kids while waiting in line. I know kids can be rough, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. Her order is pretty big, but it goes by pretty smoothly until I hand her the first large, Wild Cherry Icee. The bottom of the plastic cup has popped out a bit, but it can still stand up on its own, and it’s going to be sitting in a cup holder, anyway. It usually goes unnoticed, but not this time…)

Customer: “This cup is defective! I want another one.”

(I think she is being a little picky, but nonetheless, I smile and go to get her another cup. I take the lid off and begin pouring the Icee into a new cup, but then…)

Customer: “Uh-uh, you can’t do that! You’ve got to start all over!”

(Once again, I think she’s being incredibly picky, but I just keep smiling, and begin to make her a new Icee, but she’s still unhappy…)

Customer: “Why is this taking so long? Where’s my popcorn? You haven’t started anything else yet!”

(Now, I’m starting to get annoyed, but I’m still polite to her, and tell her that I’ll have the rest of her order ready shortly. Our manager is helping run for us, and I tell him to get some of her items, but she complains to him that I’m taking too long with her Icee. He reminds her that I’m doing everything she’s asking me, but she keeps on complaining to him. I finally finish with her Icees, but the top to one of them is dripping a bit. This happens all the time, and I do what I usually do: I grab a napkin and wipe it off. Nonetheless, she’s still unhappy…)

Customer: “What kind of place are y’all operating here? This is ridiculous. I’m calling corporate!”

(A customer asks me where the bags of potatoes are located, so I show him.)

Customer: “Ah, here they are.”

Me: *gets him a bag* “Here you are.”

Customer: “Is that price right? Buy-one-get-one?”

Me: “Yes. It rings up at half-price.”

Customer: “But it’s buy-one-get-one, right?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “So I can get two for the price of one?”

Me: *confused pause* “Would you like another bag?”

Customer: “Wouldn’t you?”

Me: “Um…” *gets him a second bag*

Customer: “Who wouldn’t want two bags of potatoes?”

Me: “Well, if a customer had a smaller family, they might only want one bag at half-off…”

Customer: “If it’s buy-one-get-one, you should get two!”

(The customer left to get something else on sale. I didn’t dare tell him that I personally don’t like potatoes at all, so I wouldn’t even buy one bag.)

(I see a book in an antique shop in upstate Virginia, and express an interest.)

Assistant: “How about $4?”

Me: “Fine.”

Assistant: *in amazement* “You don’t want to haggle?”

Me: “H*** no. The book is worth more to me than $4, so why should I haggle?”

Assistant: “Everybody haggles to try to beat us down on everything!”

Me: “Why haggle when you have a bargain at $4, anyway?”