My wife and I have separate accounts and use different banks for personal and business purposes. This is for businesses that she owns and that I own. For tax reasons, it’s easier if they are in different banks. 

The vast majority of our transactions are done online — credit card acceptance, direct deposits, etc.  

One fine day, I sell one of my work vehicles; it’s a business expense. I sell it online and the buyer pays cash. It’s not a lot of money, just $1200.

My wife and both have regular deposits of $1000 to $5000, often multiple times a month, into our business accounts, and then we transfer money to our personal accounts. The accounts are healthy, and there has never been an overdraft or any thoughts of “fraud” or anything. My wife and I BOTH have credit cards at her bank, but only she has a business checking, personal checking, and a savings account.

I decide to make the CASH deposit from the sale of the truck into my wife’s account. I have her debit card, PIN, and deposit slip signed by her, and we share the same last name and address. I am the beneficiary on her accounts, and she on mine.

The bank flatly refuses to accept the money.

Teller: “There might be money laundering going on.”

I leave the bank pissed off. I drive home, get my wife, and drive back to the bank. The same tellers are at the counter. They smile at her and make small talk. They ignore me. My wife asks about the attempted transaction. 

Teller: “We were worried about money laundering.”

Right in front of me. 

My wife smiles and nods.

Wife: “Can I please speak to the branch manager?

She came out and my wife produced her driver’s license and told her to close ALL the accounts: personal checking, personal savings, business checking, and credit cards. The cards were paid off anyway, and my wife wanted a certified check. Now. 

We’re not talking about a game-changer for the bank — less than $50,000 — but the backtracking that they did to try to keep the accounts was laughable! 

In the end, about ninety minutes later, we walked out of the bank with cashier’s checks in hand and a very red-in-the-face teller and manager!

We still get emails about reopening accounts now and then.

Related:
Shut Up And Take My Money!

I am a fairly new cashier at a chain charity store. I am at the register when an older lady wearing nice clothing walks up.

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

The customer places four stuffed animals down and ignores me. I ring up her purchase.

Me: “All right, your total today is $2.”

Customer: “Isn’t there a senior citizens discount?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t believe there is. I can ask a manager, just to be sure, if you’d like?”

Customer: “Yeah, you do that!”

I call the manager up front and ask. The manager tells us both that there is no discount.

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I read [Random Magazine] and it said there was a senior discount!”

Manager: “It might be for a different chain. We’re not affiliated with ones in different states or even the ones in [City two hours away].”

Customer: “This is bulls***. All your stores should be the same. The magazine said there was a senior discount. I’m never shopping here again.”

She storms out. The manager mouths, “F*** you,” at her as she leaves.

Me: “Do you know you’re my favorite manager?”

Related:
Having A Senior Moment, Part 3
Having A Senior Moment, Part 2
Having A Senior Moment

I’m a personal shopper. If we are out of an item, we will call you and ask if we can sub it with a similar item.

Me: “Hello, Mrs. [Customer], this is [My Name] with [Store] Online Shopping. I wanted to let you know that I finished picking your order, and I was out of [Brand] whole-grain English muffins. I did find some whole-wheat whole-grain English muffins if you would like those, instead.”

Customer: “Oh, no, those won’t do. I can’t have wheat. It makes me sick. Give me the sourdough muffins, instead.”

Me: *Flabbergasted* “Uh… [Brand] doesn’t make sourdough English muffins.”

Customer: “They don’t?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Then give me the plain ones.”

Me: “All right, but those have wheat in them, just so you know.”

Customer: “No, they don’t.”

Me: “They do.”

Customer: “No, they don’t. I can eat them because they don’t have wheat.”

I figure she’s a grown woman; she can make her own mistakes.

Me: “All right, I’ll grab you the plain English muffins.”

Customer: “Thank you. Was that so hard?”

I later tell this to my mom, who is gluten intolerant.

Mom: “Does she not know what wheat is?”

Related:
Gluten Out Of Ten For Ignorance, Part 5
Gluten Out Of Ten For Ignorance, Part 4
Gluten Out Of Ten For Ignorance, Part 3
Gluten Out Of Ten For Ignorance, Part 2

I’m a personal shopper. I’m putting away an order in the lobby when a woman storms up to me.

Customer: “Where is the manager?”

While I page the store manager over my headset, I see a co-manager head into the parking lot.

Me: “The store manager will meet you at the customer service desk.”

Customer: “Good. Because there’s someone outside panhandling.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Unfortunately, the streets outside my store are a popular spot for beggars, since there’s an ABC (liquor) store right across the street from us. We don’t tolerate panhandling in our parking lot at all. We always give them a chance to leave before we get the police involved. These people know it’s illegal to ask for money in our parking lot, but they keep coming back. Usually, they hightail it once they see an employee. I glance out the window and see the co-manager approaching the panhandler.

Me: *On the wire* “Never mind, [Manager], it looks like [Co-Manager] is handling it.” *To the customer* “It’s being taken care of right now. A manager is talking to them.”

I point out the window. The manager, the panhandler, and another customer are clearly having a discussion in the parking lot.

Customer: “Thank you.”

She leaves. I finish putting my order away and glance out the window. The customer I was talking to has stormed over to the panhandler. She’s clearly yelling, pointing fingers at him, and invading his personal space. My manager has to get between the two to keep them at bay. Our freezer for online orders is broken, and the maintenance guy stops working to watch with me when he realizes I’m not moving.

After a few minutes, the panhandler leaves, the customer comes back inside to do her shopping, and the manager stops in the lobby to talk to the maintenance guy. I go inside. The same customer approaches me again.

Customer: “Did the manager ever come inside with that guy?”

Me: “I believe she got him to leave the premises, but she’s in the lobby right now.”

Customer: “Okay.”

A little while later, [Co-Manager] comes up to me.

Co-Manager: “That woman is crazy.”

Me: “She seemed crazy. I get thinking panhandlers are annoying, but to have that much hatred for them?”

Co-Manager: “I told him if he really needs money, he can always apply for a job with us. He turned me down.”

I’m a personal shopper at a grocery store. We do our best to have everything in stock, but sometimes we run out of stuff, especially right before trucks come in. We usually have one or two things out of stock on every order. Unfortunately, people seem to think we have some sort of guarantee that everything will be in stock, even though they have to check a button if they want us to substitute any out-of-stock items for a similar item.

A good 90% of our customers are lazy, entitled, self-absorbed snobs whose husbands make some insane amount of money each year and who can’t be bothered to actually come at the scheduled pickup time that they chose, while the rest of our customers are elderly people with mobility issues, young parents with babies, and people who seem to genuinely need this service.

I have just finished shopping a thirty-piece order. The customer’s pickup time — either four or four-thirty — is about an hour away, and the only thing I don’t have in stock is coming in later that evening on the perishable truck. I call her to ask her if she is willing to wait until about six to pick up, so I can grab the item from the truck. If not, then I can offer to get her a different brand so she at least has something rather than nothing, even though she selected “No Subs” when placing the order.

Me: “Hello, Mrs. [Customer], this is [My Name] with [Store] Online Shopping. I was just calling to tell you that I finished picking your order, and the only thing I didn’t have was [item].”

Customer: “Seriously? You’re out of [item]?”

Me: “Yes, but—”

Customer: “You know what? Just cancel the whole order. I’m tired of you guys never having anything. Your store is horrible! Nothing is ever in stock! I don’t know why people shop here! You lost a customer. I’m going to shop at [Nearby Location].” *Click*

Me: “Okay, then. Have fun with that.”

I would feel bad if I didn’t know that the location she mentioned has horrible in-stock percentages — I think close to fifty percent of any given order will be out — and is consistently late with their orders, so much so that a good chunk of our customers came from that location.