Eating For Two, One Last Time

, , , , , | Romantic | April 4, 2018

(I’m in hard labor with my first child, who is two weeks overdue. After early labor all day, it’s now past midnight and the contractions are unbearable. My husband is driving me to our hospital, forty five minutes from home. I’m in the passenger seat, eyes tightly closed, counting my breathing and the miles under the tires. The car finally comes to a slow stop, and I’m ecstatic that we’ve arrived.)

Me: “Oh, thank God. I can’t take this much more! We’re there, right?”

Husband: “Uh, well…”

Outside The Car: “Welcome to [Tex Mex Fast Food Place]. Are you interested in a combo meal?”

(Two meals ordered, and we were back en route to the hospital ten minutes away. Nine years later, we still joke about being the couple that showed up in the labor and delivery ward with a duffel bag and Tex Mex.)

Unfiltered Story #108173

, , | Unfiltered | April 1, 2018

A woman and her mother wanted me to take them from their home to a Macy’s. Minutes later, we passed an exit and she tells me not to turn right. I told her that I knew that and asked her not to give me directions unless I asked. Later, we took a right, and suddenly, she started yelling at me for no good reason. I tried to calm her down and even pointed out that she typed in the wrong address, but she insisted that I wasn’t listening to her. She kept yelling at me so much that she distracted me from arriving at said Macy’s. When I tried to loop around, she said I was being rude and blamed me for her errors. Finally, she and her mother got out of the car. All the while, she was trying to call Uber’s support line, clearly with no idea of how to reach the company.

Unfiltered Story #108163

, | Unfiltered | March 31, 2018

(I am in the produce section right next to the fresh herbs. I do not work in produce, but rather I was returning some produce some customers decided they didn’t want. I have a good understanding of where everything is located though, and I can identify most herbs based on sight alone, having previously worked in a garden center. A customer comes up to me.)
Customer: Excuse me, I have a question about some spices.
Me: Yes?
Customer: I’m looking for a spice. I don’t remember what it’s called, but it starts with a Z. I think it’s Zilantro or something.
Me: Hm…
Customer: (Pointing to a sign above us with pictures and descriptions of different herbs.) It might be that one.
Me: … Cilantro?
Customer: Maybe.
Me: Well, this is cilantro right here.
Customer: Okay, this might be it, but I think it was a spice and it started with a z.
Me:… Let me go find a produce worker. They know more about these than I do.

Getting A Piece Meal By Piecemeal

, , , , | Working | March 25, 2018

(I decide to pick up fried chicken for dinner. I go to a fast food chain that serves fried chicken and walk inside to place my order.)

Me: “I’d like to get the ten-piece, dark-meat-only bucket.”

Cashier: “Okay.”

Me: “I’d like to get that as a meal.”

Cashier: “Okay.” *presses buttons and a ridiculously high price comes up*

Me: “That’s very high. The dark-meat-only bucket costs a little less than the eight-piece bucket, but your total is a lot higher than the eight-piece meal.”

Cashier: “That’s because I rang you up for the twelve-piece meal with substitutions.”

Me: “That’s not what I wanted. The dark-meat-only bucket has thighs and drumsticks only, which is why the bucket cost is less than the eight-piece bucket. I want the dark-meat-only bucket, not the twelve-piece, as a meal.”

Cashier: “That can’t be made a meal. If you want a meal, you need to get either the eight-piece bucket or the twelve-piece bucket and request substitutions.”

Me: “What? Why can’t it be made a meal?”

Cashier: “Because it doesn’t come as a meal. You have to get either the eight-piece or twelve-piece bucket to get a meal.”

Me: “I’ve gotten it as a meal before.”

Cashier: “Well, they must have rung you up for one of the other buckets and did substitutions.”

Me: “That makes no sense. The price for the dark-meat-only bucket is a little less than the eight-piece bucket even though it has more pieces, and I’ve gotten all ten pieces in the past with a meal.”

Cashier: “You can order two additional pieces to go with your meal.”

Me: “That’s even more money, boosting the price of the actual bucket even higher. Why can’t that particular bucket be a meal? I’d like to talk to the manager.”

Cashier: “Okay, but he’s not going to tell you anything different.”

Me: “That’s fine, but I want to talk to him.”

(The cashier gets the manager.)

Manager: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. Is it possible to get the ten-piece, dark-meat-only bucket as a meal?”

Manager: “Of course!”

(The manager pressed two buttons on the register, a more reasonable total came up, and he walked away. The cashier glared at me the rest of the time I was in the restaurant waiting for my order.)

The Code To Be Paged To Be Fired

, , , , , , | Working | March 24, 2018

(In the 1980s, I worked for a marine engineering firm for 11 years, right out of college. I have a computer science degree, and my job basically evolves into dealing with all things technological: PCs, phone PBX, electrical, and electronic. This also includes changing the security code for the electronic door locks to our office suites. I do this on a yearly, scheduled basis, as well as sometimes when a staff member leaves our employ, willingly or not. On my last day at the office before moving on to a better-paying job, I get called to our office manager’s office.)

Me: “[Manager], you wanted to see me?”

Manager: “Yes. Could you please change the office suite door’s code to this?”

(My manager hands me a post-it note with a new four-digit code. It’s not the time of year that we usually change codes, so my curiosity is piqued.)

Me: “I understand changing the codes when someone who’s been here a while leaves, but you don’t usually ask that person to change it. That defeats the purpose.”

Manager: “Oh, it’s not because it’s your last day. It’s because it’s the last day for two of our on-site employees. But they don’t know yet, so, shhh.”

(It turns out that these employees told our manager that their customer didn’t like calls for them coming through their office phones, so they would need pagers; we could page them when we needed them to contact our office. What they were doing was telling their customer they were needed at the office; we at the office thought they were at the customer’s place. They would then spend the day goofing off — golfing, playing at the arcade, drinking, etc. Then, whenever either the office or the customer really needed them, they’d get paged. They could then call in to see where they were needed, with no one the wiser…. Until, obviously, they were caught and fired, the same day I left.)

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