Adorably Terrible

, , , | Related | April 6, 2018

(My brother and I both volunteer at our church. I work with the young children on Wednesday nights and he works with the older youth. Some of the children and youth are also involved in the church’s drama ministry. One Wednesday evening in December, the drama kids put on a Christmas skit they’ve been rehearsing. It’s sort of like a dress rehearsal, but with a practice audience. When I arrive with my class, I see my brother and go say hi to him.)

Me: “You ready for this?”

Brother: *totally serious* “Yeah, I’m ready to make fun of this.”

Me: “Don’t make fun of it!”

Brother: “But it’s going to be terrible.”

Me: “[Brother], it’s little kids. The word you are looking for is, ‘adorable.’”

Brother: “It’s little kids; it’s going to be terrible.”

Me: “Don’t be mean. It’s going to be adorable.”

(The skit is on par with an elementary school play, but it only lasts about 30 minutes. After the skit, as I’m lining my class up to go back to our room, we pass my brother.)

Brother: “Yeah, I couldn’t make fun of that.”

How Are Flu?

, , , , | Healthy | April 6, 2018

(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)

Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”

Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”

(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)

Me: “Well, not good good.”

Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”

Eating For Two, One Last Time

, , , , , | Romantic | April 4, 2018

(I’m in hard labor with my first child, who is two weeks overdue. After early labor all day, it’s now past midnight and the contractions are unbearable. My husband is driving me to our hospital, forty five minutes from home. I’m in the passenger seat, eyes tightly closed, counting my breathing and the miles under the tires. The car finally comes to a slow stop, and I’m ecstatic that we’ve arrived.)

Me: “Oh, thank God. I can’t take this much more! We’re there, right?”

Husband: “Uh, well…”

Outside The Car: “Welcome to [Tex Mex Fast Food Place]. Are you interested in a combo meal?”

(Two meals ordered, and we were back en route to the hospital ten minutes away. Nine years later, we still joke about being the couple that showed up in the labor and delivery ward with a duffel bag and Tex Mex.)

Unfiltered Story #108173

, , | Unfiltered | April 1, 2018

A woman and her mother wanted me to take them from their home to a Macy’s. Minutes later, we passed an exit and she tells me not to turn right. I told her that I knew that and asked her not to give me directions unless I asked. Later, we took a right, and suddenly, she started yelling at me for no good reason. I tried to calm her down and even pointed out that she typed in the wrong address, but she insisted that I wasn’t listening to her. She kept yelling at me so much that she distracted me from arriving at said Macy’s. When I tried to loop around, she said I was being rude and blamed me for her errors. Finally, she and her mother got out of the car. All the while, she was trying to call Uber’s support line, clearly with no idea of how to reach the company.

Unfiltered Story #108163

, | Unfiltered | March 31, 2018

(I am in the produce section right next to the fresh herbs. I do not work in produce, but rather I was returning some produce some customers decided they didn’t want. I have a good understanding of where everything is located though, and I can identify most herbs based on sight alone, having previously worked in a garden center. A customer comes up to me.)
Customer: Excuse me, I have a question about some spices.
Me: Yes?
Customer: I’m looking for a spice. I don’t remember what it’s called, but it starts with a Z. I think it’s Zilantro or something.
Me: Hm…
Customer: (Pointing to a sign above us with pictures and descriptions of different herbs.) It might be that one.
Me: … Cilantro?
Customer: Maybe.
Me: Well, this is cilantro right here.
Customer: Okay, this might be it, but I think it was a spice and it started with a z.
Me:… Let me go find a produce worker. They know more about these than I do.

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