Fully Charged To Check The Trash

, , , | Related | July 25, 2017

(I’ve lost my laptop charger. It was plugged into an outlet, and I know my mom unplugged it because she plugged the vacuum into that same outlet.)

Me: “Mom, did you move my charger?”

Mom: “No, I didn’t.”

(I’m sure she did, but I figure she probably put it somewhere around the room, so I search where I think she might have left it.)

Me: “Mom, are you sure you didn’t move it?”

Mom: “I am absolutely sure. I can help you look.”

(We spend about 20 minutes searching.)

Me: “Mom, hypothetically, if you moved my charger, where would it be.”

Mom: “Weeeeell… Hypothetically, it might be in the trash.”

(It was. It turned out that when she unplugged it, she put it on her desk, then cleaned out her desk a few hours later. She figured it was a charger that she didn’t recognize, so she probably never used it, and tossed it out. Then she took out the trash. Guess who had to dig through the dumpster to find it? Yup, me.)

Fifty Shades Of Brown

, , , | Related | July 24, 2017

(My mother is singing a children’s song to my four-year-old nephew. My nephew is bi-racial, black and white; I am super pale white.)

Mom: *singing* “God loves all the children of the world, black, yellow, red, and white.”

Nephew: *stops my mom singing with a frown* “Wait, Grandma! There is no such thing as red children! Or yellow or white. There is only brown!”

(He says this so matter-of-factly that mom can’t help but laugh.)

Mom: “Is that so? Then what color is your mom?” *his mom is black*

Nephew: “She’s just brown. I’m light brown. Uncle [Name] is dark brown.”

Mom: *thinking she’s got him now* “What about Aunt [My Name]?”

Nephew: *considers this for a moment* “Aunty is light light light light LIGHT brown.”

(He’s got the world figured out.)

The Speed Of Sound Is Relative Based On Relatives

, , , | Related | July 19, 2017

(My grandmother has been losing her hearing slowly for several years now. She insists that she doesn’t need a hearing aid though, despite us constantly repeating what we say to her. Her response whenever we bring up the hearing aid:)

Grandma: “You talk too fast. My ears can’t listen that fast.”

Unfiltered Story #90917

, , | Unfiltered | July 16, 2017

(My school’s Engineering class has two teachers. They’re both known for being a little eccentric, but they always try to have fun. They also share the Engineering lab, which is very large for a teaching space and has several rooms. I am taking the final exam, on which a small portion of our grade comes from how well we clean up our work space and bins we use to store our things. Note: I’m a very forgetful and generally unobservant person, which my teacher has found out from experience.)

Me: Hey [Teacher], where’s my bin?

Teacher: You left it on the table all week so [Other Teacher] probably put it somewhere random in the lab.

Me: Oh. I probably earned that.

(I search around for a few minutes but can’t find anything, so I return to the rest of the final since the bin is only a very small part. A few minutes later, my teacher comes up to me.)

Teacher: [My Name], you know where your bin is?

Me: *Expecting a ridiculous story about it being hidden in the ceiling fan or something* No?

Teacher: *Silently points to table directly behind me*

Me: …

Teacher: …

Me: What did you expect from the girl who didn’t notice a thirty-feet-tall, two-feet-thick metal pole blocking a doorway for two months?

Teacher: *Walking away and laughing* Have a good summer, [My Name].

Putting The Bad Language Into (Con)Text

, , , | Romantic | June 28, 2017

(I am just getting off work and driving home. I always text my husband that I am on my way. As I am trying to make a left turn on a four lane street with no light I pull out my phone and hit the voice command button and tell it to text my husband. There is a break in traffic coming up, but just then a car pulls up beside me and blocks my view. While I think I know how many cars need to pass before I can go I am not comfortable making a blind decision and decide to wait for the car to make their turn so I can see. Just as my phone beeps to let me know I can say my text message, the car behind me honks its horn at me. This is what I texted my husband.)

Me: “I can’t go now there’s a car in the way so f*** off! I’m on my way home, love.”

(He was very confused, and I was impressed my phone auto censored my language.)

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