(In the 1980s, I worked for a marine engineering firm for 11 years, right out of college. I have a computer science degree, and my job basically evolves into dealing with all things technological: PCs, phone PBX, electrical, and electronic. This also includes changing the security code for the electronic door locks to our office suites. I do this on a yearly, scheduled basis, as well as sometimes when a staff member leaves our employ, willingly or not. On my last day at the office before moving on to a better-paying job, I get called to our office manager’s office.)

Me: “[Manager], you wanted to see me?”

Manager: “Yes. Could you please change the office suite door’s code to this?”

(My manager hands me a post-it note with a new four-digit code. It’s not the time of year that we usually change codes, so my curiosity is piqued.)

Me: “I understand changing the codes when someone who’s been here a while leaves, but you don’t usually ask that person to change it. That defeats the purpose.”

Manager: “Oh, it’s not because it’s your last day. It’s because it’s the last day for two of our on-site employees. But they don’t know yet, so, shhh.”

(It turned out that those employees told our manager that their customer didn’t like calls for them coming through their office phones, so they would need pagers; we could page them when we needed them to contact our office. What they were doing was telling their customer they were needed at the office; we at the office thought they were at the customer’s place. They would then spend the day goofing off — golfing, playing at the arcade, drinking, etc. Then, whenever either the office or the customer really needed them, they’d get paged. They could then call in to see where they were needed, with no one the wiser…. Until, obviously, they were caught and fired, the same day I left.)

(I keep getting calls from a girl named Emily wanting to discuss student loans. I have tried getting off the call list and blocking numbers, but the calls keep coming. I am taking a break at college when good ol’ Emily decides to call. I decide to answer:)

Me: “Let me guess: your name is Emily and you want to talk about student loans.”

Caller: “…”

(It was silent for maybe five seconds when they suddenly hung up. They didn’t even try.)

(I work in an office supply store.)

Me: “Hi. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I need to return this phone.” *holds up a box and a receipt*

Me: “As far as I know, we don’t sell phones here. Are you sure you didn’t mean to take this to [Phone Store in the same shopping center as us]?”

Customer: “No! Isn’t this [address]?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but all of the stores in this center have the same address, just different suite numbers—”

Customer: “See?! This is the address on the receipt; this is where the phone came from!”

Me: *looks at the receipt* “Yes. It says [Phone Store] at the top here, and you can see the shop from here; look.” *points out the window; you can see the sign from where we’re standing*

Customer: *stares out the window* “But it says this is the address!”

Me: “I know, ma’am, but it came from [Phone Store]. You can return it there.”

Customer: “But this is the address!”

(She wandered out the door after that.)

After making me put the kitchen on allergy alert and cook her catfish on tin foil with no seasoning due to “severe gluten and dairy allergies,” a customer asked for a biscuit.

I told her they have both butter and gluten in them, and she responded, “Oh, well, I can have a little.”

Related:
Intolerant Of Your Gluten-Tolerance

(I’m a waitress at a small Christian-based restaurant with a vegetable bar. Some customers order, and after a few minutes I go over to check on them.)

Me: “Are y’all finding everything okay?”

Woman: “Yeah, but do you mind if I see your pen for a minute?”

Me: “Sure… Here you are. I’ll come back in a few minutes to check on you.”

*a few minutes later*

Woman: “Now, don’t be offended, but could you take a look at this napkin for me?”

Me: “Okay.”

(I look at the napkin, which says, “Do you know where we can find a weed guy around here?”)

Me: “I don’t smoke, so I’m not really sure how to answer that.”

Man: “Umm. Never mind! Can we get our food in boxes? We’re going to head out.”

(They ended up stiffing me, but the table next to them heard them talking to each other about it and they ended up leaving me $20.)