A Clockwork Derange

| Friendly | August 23, 2016

(I used to work at a chain video store as a second job. The biggest question we receive from customers, after “do you have [New Release that everyone already grabbed] behind the counter,” was the request that we recommend a good comedy. Now, comedy is subjective. What I find funny doesn’t always mean that someone else will find it funny. After getting fed up with all the refunds, I changed my tactics. This was a typical interaction.)

Customer: “Can you recommend a good comedy?”

Me: “Sure. Do you like musical comedies?”

Customer: “Sure.”

Me: “Then rent A Clockwork Orange. It’s a musical comedy, with some great themes, and a lot of slapstick.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

(Cut to usually an hour or two later…)

Customer: *returning movie with a look of horror* “What is WRONG with you?”

Me: “What? I laugh every time I watch it!”

(They usually leave me alone after that.)

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The Look On His Face Was Pure Goldfish

| Right | April 17, 2016

(I am dealing with a customer who’s raising hell over late fees on his account that we refuse to waive. Notably, he pulled this same stunt on me the previous week, though bizarrely he doesn’t seem to recognize me until we until we get to this part of the exchange:)

Customer: “Do you know how much I spend in here? What if I said that, thanks to you, I’m never coming back and you can kiss my business goodbye?!”

Me: “I’d remind you that you said the same thing not more than seven days ago, yet here you are again.”

Customer: “What?! How do you know that?”

Me: “If you check your receipt you’ll find I’m the one who served you then. Also, you’re wearing the same outfit as the last time you were in here. It kind of makes you stand out, actually.”

(The customer looks down at the receipt in his hand, then to his flashy ensemble of expensive clothes. He looks back at me in shock.)

Customer: “Wait… you guys actually remember stuff like that?”

Me: “I’m actually surprised you don’t remember me considering it was only a week ago.”

Customer: “Uh… well, I do, but… s***, I thought you guys were like goldfish! Two hours and you forget everything… or something…”

(He eventually agreed to pay his late fees, still mumbling about how he couldn’t believe we still recalled who he was.)

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Looks Are Relative

| Friendly | January 2, 2016

(I’m about thirteen and waiting in line with my eighteen year-old brother. The customer in front of us is purchasing something, but it costs more than what cash he had on him.)

Customer: “Aw, man, I guess I could put this on my card…” *he half-jokingly addresses the other customers* “Does anyone have two dollars?”

Brother: “Oh, I do, here!” *he hands the guy two dollars*

Customer: “Oh, wow, thank you so much, man. I really appreciate it!” *he looks at me* “A guy like that’s hard to come by. Hold onto him.”

(At this point it should be pointed out, that I’m a fair-skinned brunette with brown eyes, and my older brother has naturally tan skin with hazel eyes. I looked at him confused, but my brother quickly realized the customer thought I was his girlfriend.)

Brother: “Dude, she’s got no choice. She’s my sister.”

Customer: “Ohhh… Well, I feel like an a**-hole!”

(We all laughed and parted ways. My brother and I still tell that story when people point out that we don’t look related.)

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This Won’t ‘Be Good’

| Right | July 17, 2015

(Back in the eighties, a woman comes into our store:)

Customer: “I want the new E.T. movie – E.T. Part 2.”

Me: “There is no part two; it was a stand-alone movie.”

Customer: “No! I’ve seen it advertised on television! It’s called, ‘E.T. Comes Home.’

(I realize that the she had seen an ad for the release of the movie on videocassette – the tagline was “E.T. comes home, to videocassette.” I tried to explain this to her, and she started crying, stomping her feet, and yelling.)

Customer: “I know you have Part Two! You won’t let me have it because you only want certain people to see the movie!”

(The owner came over and the woman repeated her story. The owner then said she would check the catalog and give the customer a call. The customer insisted that I be fired for “being greedy” with the movies. Never saw her again after that.)

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No Kidding About The Kid, Part 2

| Right | March 24, 2015

(The store I work at is on a busy street with a lot of bars and very little available parking, so a lot of non-customers will illegally park in our lot despite the numerous signs. A tow company comes by on the busier evenings and take the cars of those not in the store to their lot. I often have to handle irate people who are angry about their car being towed and the release charges. At about 11:30 pm, a woman stumbles into the store, obviously inebriated, and demands to know where her car is.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if you were not in our store while your car was parked in our lot it was most likely towed.”

Her: “Are you f****** kidding me? I was only gone two hours… What gives you the right to take my car?!”

Me: “Well, per our signs in the lot, you cannot park there unless you are patronizing our store. It was a tow company that took your car.”

Her: “This is bullshit! You crooks took my car and I bet my iPad will be missing from it, too!”

Me: “I doubt that, but here is the number of the tow company for you to call.”

Her: “Ugh, my kids are probably still in there, too!”

Me: *praying I’ve misheard her* “Excuse me, did you say YOUR KIDS?!”

Her: “Yeah. God d*** it; this is f****** unbelievable!”

Me: “Sure is… Tell you what; I’ll call the company for you because you seem a little upset.”

Her: “Yeah, DO THAT. It’s your job!”

(I called the tow company to ask if they’d found her kids. They had, recently, and had them warming up in the office. It is late February.)

Me: “Hey… can you write down your name and plate number in case your, um, iPad is missing?”

Her: “D*** right! You’ll hear from my lawyer if it isn’t!”

(As soon as she left in a cab, I called the police and explained the situation. They met her at the tow lot and arrested her.)

 

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