(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I always return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

Me: “Well, sir, you returned–”

Husband: “I said I always return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

Husband: “I’m not paying this, so you better take it off now!”

Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We always return our movies on time!”

Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

Husband: “Oh, yeah, that’s right; we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b****!”

(The wife proceeds to slap her husband, take the keys, and drive away, leaving her husband in the store.)

Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

Husband: “Oh, s***, really?”

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Customer: *to her boyfriend* “Don’t ask him. He’s the one who said he liked that other movie!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry? What movie did I say I liked before to you?”

Customer:  “You said that In Bruges was good.”

Me: “Um, yeah. I actually really liked that movie. What was wrong with it?”

Customer: “It was sad, and there was a lot of blood in it!”

Me: “…and?”

Customer: “You didn’t tell me there was going to be blood!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you it was a movie about hitmen.”

Customer: “So?!”

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Video Rental Store]. We have thousands of rentals for 99 cents. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, I just bought a movie from yer lil’ store, and uh, I can’t get the darn thing open!”

(In our store, we have movies protected against theft by having a magnetic lock in them, so my first thought was maybe we had left the lock in.)

Me: “Um, yes, I apologize. I think we might have left the lock in by mistake. Would you mind driving back here and–”

Customer: “DRIVING BACK THERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AWAY I LIVE?!”

Me: “Oh. Sorry, ma’am. Well, I need to know if the lock is in there. Could you turn the case over and look at the bottom ridge for a little yellow tab?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “You ain’t makin’ yerself clear, honey.”

Me: “Okay, turn the box upside down so that you’re looking at its ridge. Is there a little yellow tab there?”

Customer: “Oh, I see. Erm. Wait. Is it inside the box?”

Me: … I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Do I need to open it to see it?”

Me: “Well, if there’s a lock in there, you won’t be able to open it. Please flip the case over, and look for the yellow tab in the bottom corner–”

Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I bought this movie called Babe. It’s about a pig.”

Me: “Yes, I’m familiar with the movie, ma’am. Now if you would please look for the yellow tab?”

(This goes on for about five minutes. By now, I’m getting extremely frustrated and I’m tired of being friendly.)

Me: “Ma’am, is the movie covered in plastic?!”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, have you tried cutting the plastic?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am? Did you get it open?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

(I’m walking around stocking videos when a man comes up to me with an extremely strange accent.)

Customer: “I’m looking for the Garraporta.”

Me: “I’m not sure what movie that is. What’s it about?”

Customer: “It’s the Garraporta. There are many movies!”

Me: “Uh, did you ask at the front desk?”

Customer: “Garraporta! Garraporta! There are many movies!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ve never heard of that movie.”

(I try every way to tell him I don’t know that movie, but he follows me all around the store saying “Garraporta!” Suddenly, he stops and picks up a movie.)

Customer: “Here, Garraporta!”

Me: “Oh, Harry Potter!

Customer: “Yes, Garraporta! There are many movies!”

(Note: this is something I witnessed.)

Clerk: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for this movie. I rented it before, but I want it again.”

Clerk: “Sure thing. What’s the title?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know. ”

Clerk: “What was it about?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Clerk: “Well, do you remember what the cover looked like?”

Customer: “No, not really.”

Clerk: “Who was in it?”

Customer: “I didn’t pay attention. ”

Clerk: “…”

Customer: “…”

Clerk: “Sir, I can’t find the movie without any details.”

Customer: “Isn’t that your job?!”

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