Caller: “I need to exchange this movie. It’s the wrong one.”

Me: “Which movie were you looking for?”

Caller: “Big Momma’s House.”

Me: “Um, what does it say on the case?”

Caller: “Big Momma’s House.”

Me: “What does it say on the video cassette itself?”

Caller: “Big Momma’s House.”

Me: “I’m thinking you have Big Momma’s House there, ma’am.”

Caller: “But…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “But… there’s white people in it.”

Me: “There are a few of us about, ma’am. We do sneak into the odd movie here and there.”

Caller: *click*

Me: “Welcome, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Why haven’t I received my movie?”

Me: “Which one was it?”

(He gives me the name of the movie, and I check on the computer to see if that title is available.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have it on stock yet, but we will have your copy by Wednesday.”

Customer: “But you have it already for rental!” *goes to the shelf and brings me one of the cases*

Me: “Yes, but those are for rental only. We receive a few copies for rental only, and a few days after we get the ones for sale.”

Customer: “Then give me this one.”

Me: “That one is exclusively for rental.”

Customer: “F*** it. I’m leaving!” *storms out of the store with the DVD*

Me: “Hey!”

(I call mall security. A few minutes later, a guard comes laughing to the store.)

Guard: “Is this the stolen DVD?”

Manager: “Yes, thank you.”

Guard: “We found him trying to get in his car and two kids were inside. When we got him the kids started to cry, but not because we were taking his grandpa into custody.”

Me: “Then why?”

Guard: *laughs* “They were crying because they weren’t getting the movie today.”

(It’s past closing time and I’ve just dealt with a rush of three new applications that took fifteen minutes each, and am moving on to the next customer.)

Me: “Sorry about that, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Well, these movies aren’t working. They are all scratched.”

Me: “Sorry about that. Pick whatever you want and I’ll exchange them.”

Customer: “Thank you.”

(A few minutes later, a big, flannel-clad man walks in.)

Customer’s Husband: “My wife was just in here for half an hour! ”

Me: “I’m sorry about that…” *explains situation*

Customer’s Husband: “I don’t care! You need to have more than one register open! Where is your manager?!”

Me: “He is in the back. We were suppose to close forty-five minutes ago which is why I’m the only one on the register.”

Customer’s Husband: “You idiot! I need to see him now!”

Me: “He’ll be here… now calm down!”

Customer’s Husband: “YOU MADE MY PREGNANT WIFE STAND IN LINE FOR HALF AN HOUR!”

Me: “Well, sir… maybe you should have been a man and came in here instead of your wife.”

Customer’s Husband: *speechless*

(My manager had to pretend to fire me in front of him, but we later joked about him in the back room.)

(A customer walks into my video rental store on Christmas Eve 2005; it’s about 9 pm.)

Customer: “Are you open?”

Me: “Are the lights on?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Are the lights on?”

Customer: “Yes…”

Me: “Was the door unlocked?”

Customer: “Well, yeah…”

Me: “Have you ever been somewhere that was closed when the lights were on and the doors were open?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “So, you understand now!”

Customer: “No. Are you open or not?”

Customer: “I want a free rental on my account for this movie!”

Me: “Was the movie damaged? Did it skip or something?”

Customer: “No, it sucked. I don’t want to pay for a bad movie.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we don’t give free rentals on account of bad movies.”

Customer: “But you people should have told me it was bad!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But we don’t get to see all the movies we have here.”

Customer: “I don’t give a f***. This doesn’t change the fact I want a free movie!”

Me: “Like I said before, we don’t give free rentals based on bad movies…” *looks at movie* “… or bad taste.”

Customer: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Me: “You rented Ninja Cheerleaders. This would be like me going to a restaurant, ordering a rat on a stick, eating it, and then asking to get the meal free.”