Me: *on the phone* “Hello, this is [Video Rental].”

Customer: “Yes. I would like a refund. This movie is in a different language!”

Me: “What movie is it?”

Customer: “Pan’s Labyrinth.”

Me: “Yes, sir. That’s a foreign film. If you’d like, you can come and exchange it for an English-language film.”

Customer: “Why do they do that?”

Me: “Do what, sir?”

Customer: “Make movies in other languages.”

Me: “It wasn’t made in America, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not giving them immigrants any of my money!”

This story is part of the Scared-Of-Subtitles roundup!

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(A customer comes into the store about once or twice a month. She walks up to the new releases, and then proceeds into the center of the store where we don’t have many security cameras and stuffs the movies into her purse. We know she has been doing it for quite some time, but we legally aren’t allowed to stop her. However, we get a new manager.)

Me: “Just leave her alone. She’ll be gone soon.”

Manager: “Watch this.”

(The manager walks up to the woman as she finishes stuffing the movies into her purse.)

Manager: *smiling* “Good evening, ma’am, can I help you steal anything else today?”

(The customer went white and ran out of store. She never showed up again.)

Customer: “I have an account at one of your other branches, but I’ve never rented here before.”

Me: “Okay, I just need to take a look at a valid photo ID and give them a call to get you set up.” (She holds out her ID card. When I go to take it from her hand, she tightens her grip and refuses to let go.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’ll need to take a look at your ID to confirm that you are who you say you are.”

Customer: “You can see my picture. That’s enough.”

Me: “I’m afraid it isn’t. I need to enter the number on your ID and confirm that it matches the information the other store has in its system.”

Customer: “When I rented at your other store they didn’t ask to do that.”

Me: “If that is, in fact, the case, they didn’t follow procedure. I’m the manager of this store and if I found out someone on my staff was ignoring this procedure, I’d be quite upset. We need to confirm your identity in order to protect you.”

Customer: *yelling* “My privacy is very important! I know that you’re only saying these things because your computer won’t let you rent to me without something in that field! I don’t want my personal information compromised! Call my regular store and get my id number from them so I can take my movies and never have to come back here and deal with this sort of treatment!”

Me: “I understand that your privacy is important to you. If you would just let me see your ID I can put your information in the system and you can be on your way.”

Customer: “You saw my ID! Now call the other store and get my ID number from them! My privacy is very important to me!”

Me: “So in the interest of protecting your privacy, you would like me to call the other store, on a Friday night, at 7:00 pm, and have the clerk read your ID number over the phone, out loud, in the middle of the store.”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Instead of just letting me enter the information from your ID.”

Customer: “Yes! Why is this so hard to understand?!”

Me: “Because that would seem to be a much greater risk to your privacy than–”

Customer: “Just do your job and respect my privacy! My privacy is very important to me!”

This story is part of our Identity Theft roundup!

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Customer: “Do you have movie with Forrest Gump?”

Me: “Yes, we have the movie Forrest Gump; would you like me to tell you where it is?”

Customer: “No, I look for movie Forrest Gump where he gets big.”

Me: “Uhh… do you mean you’re looking for the movie ‘Big’ with Tom Hanks?”

Customer: “Not Tom Hanks, ‘FORREST GUMP’! ‘BIG’!”

Me: “…”

(A woman in medical scrubs with a name badge enters the store and approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Helllooo! How are YOU tonight?”

Me: “I’m doing well. How are you?”

Customer: “Oh, just fine. Are you voting in this year’s election?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Customer: “Have you considered John McCain?”

Me: “Well, no, not really.”

Customer: “No? Who are you voting for, OBAMA?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “OBAMA! HA HA HA!”

(She continues to laugh maniacally, inserting “OBAMA” between laughs. After a little while, she comes to the register with a few rentals.)

Customer: “Hellooo! How are you tonight?”

Me: “Still doing well… did you find what you were looking for?”

Customer: “Have you thought at all about this year’s election?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “We just had this conversation.”

Customer: “Oh. Who are you voting for? I’m voting for Obama. I just want our troops to come home.”

Me: “You just laughed at me for not wanting to vote for McCain!”

Customer: *confused look* “Really? I’m so tired when I get out of work!”