Movies That Never Should Have Been Greenlit, Vol. I

| Lansing, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I want a free rental on my account for this movie!”

Me: “Was the movie damaged? Did it skip or something?”

Customer: “No, it sucked. I don’t want to pay for a bad movie.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we don’t give free rentals on account of bad movies.”

Customer: “But you people should have told me it was bad!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But we don’t get to see all the movies we have here.”

Customer: “I don’t give a f***. This doesn’t change the fact I want a free movie!”

Me: “Like I said before, we don’t give free rentals based on bad movies…” *looks at movie* “… or bad taste.”

Customer: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Me: “You rented Ninja Cheerleaders. This would be like me going to a restaurant, ordering a rat on a stick, eating it, and then asking to get the meal free.”

It’s Okay, That Character Was Tone Deaf Anyway

| Birmingham, UK | Uncategorized

(I’m working in a video rental store renting out Bollywood films when a customer asks about a particular film.)

Customer: “Hi! Can you tell me if this is a good family film?”

(He hands me a Bollywood film called Deewaar.)

Me: “Not really. I mean, it’s got an 18 certificate rating on it, for starters.”

Customer: “Oh. What is it about?”

Me: “It’s about the son of an Indian POW in a prison camp in Pakistan who attempts to rescue him.”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be a bad family film. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Well, I watched a scene where the main character is fighting a bad guy on a train. He sticks his head out of the window and an incoming pole cuts his head off clean.”

Customer: “… does it have good songs in the film?”

Me: “…”

(Note: Bollywood films mainly come with songs. Apparently, people just watch these films for the songs…)

On The Need For Hazard Pay

| Washington, D.C., USA | Uncategorized

(A customer walks into the video rental store, clearly confused.)

Customer: “Where can I rent some condoms?”

Me: “… try the grocery store. We rent movies only.”

Customer: “But, don’t you guys… umm… cater to that kind of customer?”

Me: “Not my job to know, sir. Personally, I would never sell them here, let alone rent them.”

Customer: “That’s because you’re a stupid Catholic who’s not going to get laid until you are married! F*** YOU AND YOUR F***ING MORALS!”

Me: “I am going to have to ask you to leave, sir. Your behavior is unacceptable in this store.”

(The customer suddenly grabs the fliers on the counter for the upcoming movies, throws them everywhere and then sprints out.)

Violence On TV, Stupidity On The Couch

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(A video rental customer approaches with two young children.)

Customer: “Hey, you guys seen Con Air?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Why’s it rated R?”

Me: “Well, the language is pretty strong, but it’s primarily because of the violence.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, does it have any sex in it?”

Me: “Um, not that I recall.”

Customer: “Okay, great. Hey kids, we’re getting Con Air!”

What Is This Culturally Monolithic Country Coming To

| Savannah, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Good evening sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a good movie.”

Me: “Of course. I recommend Pan’s Labyrinth…¬†it was excellent.”

Coworker: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”

Customer: “What the s*** is that?”

Coworker: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”

Customer: “What the f*** is that?¬†We’re in America, we don’t speak Spanish!¬†I want it in American!”

(He storms off and promptly returns with Apocalypto.)

Me: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”

Customer: “What the f***? What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want a g**d*** American movie! Where are the American movies?”

Me: “The store is full of movies made in America.”

(He walks back up about 10 minutes later with Letters From Iwo Jima in his hand.) 

Customer: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “And it’s really good, too.”

Customer: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”

(I give a look to my coworker who doesn’t say anything this time, and we rent him the movie. Too bad Letters From Iwo Jima is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)

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