Shouldn’t Have Rented Conspiracy Theory

, | Portland, OR, USA | Right | April 21, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [online movie rental]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m having a problem with my account. I think I may have uncovered a serious conspiracy to keep me from getting movies!”

Me: “That’s definitely not good. I’d love to take a look at your account. May I have your name please?”

Caller: “I’d better not give you my name. They may be listening now. I’d rather make this as anonymous as possible.”

Me: “That’s fine. What’s going on?”

Caller: “My postman will only pick up my movies every three days unless I put a dollar in each return envelope. I’m afraid you guys are paying them to do this!”

Me: “I can assure you we want you renting movies. That’s what we’re in business for. Have you tried returning your movies from another location?”

Caller: “When I do that, it takes even longer for them to get picked up! I’ve been staying up until midnight to put my movies in my mailbox so the postman can’t see. I was out last night, and I slipped on some wet leaves! I said to myself, ‘Why am I living like this?’ So, I thought I should call you.”

Me: “Sir, if you’re concerned your postman isn’t doing his job, I can get you a number for the mail customer care line.”

Caller: *whispering emphatically* “You don’t understand! He’s the only one and he has the only key! Look into the mailboxes! The only key! Beeeeee saaaaaaaafe!” *click*

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Lindsay Lohan Is Bad For Your Health

| NJ, USA | Right | April 1, 2011

(A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

Me: “I… uh…”

Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

(The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

Me: “Hi, this is

ARVE Error: Element ID could not be build, please report this bug.

. The movie you reserved was just returned.”

Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

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From Bat To Worse

| KY, USA | Right | March 8, 2011

Customer: “Do you have that new Dracula movie?”

Me:Bram Stoker’s Dracula? We sure do.”

Customer: “I love all of that guy’s movies.”

Me: “A Coppola fan?”

Customer: “No, Bram Stoker. I love everything he’s been in.”

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Nothing As Dangerous As A Woman Porned

| Inland Empire, CA, USA | Right | March 8, 2011

(A customer has just finished checking out two adult movies.)

Coworker: “Have a good evening, sir!”

Customer: *whirls back after taking a few steps* “Oh crap!”

(He rushes back to the counter before the next customer can come up.)

Coworker: “Did you forget something, sir?”

Customer: *trying to speak quietly* “I shouldn’t have used my card! Can you reverse it? I have cash! I can pay with cash!”

(I notice the situation. I come over to help.)

Me: “Sir, if it’s a problem I’d be happy to refund the charge back to your card.”

Customer: “My wife is going to see it online! She’s going to kill me!”

(He seems to be starting to panic.)

Customer: “Yeah, you have to reverse it!”

Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, even if I do that the charge and the refund will both still appear on your bank statement, but–”

Customer: *interrupting* “No good! I have to get to the bank right now! I have to stop them!”

(He rushes out the door. He forgets the movies and has to run back in for them.)

Me: “Sir, it’s alright, the–”

Customer: “I have to stop the bank!”

(He almost trips up running out again. He didn’t give me time to explain that his bank statement will only show our store name; not the titles he rented.)

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Houston Had It Easy

| KY, USA | Right | March 5, 2011

Customer: “What do you have in that’s good?”

Me: “Well, we just got Apollo 13 in. It’s the true story of the Apollo mission.”

(The customer looks perplexed.)

Me: “You know. ‘Houston, we have a problem.’

Customer: “Does it have any aliens in it?”

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