(Dildo is a real place, I swear. It’s my first week in a new job in the back of a convenience store which houses a DVD rental service at the back but most people just go in to find something “special.” I’m at the counter. I should probably add that a lot of people try and steal the DVDs by putting cheaper ones in. A man walks into the shop and by his overall demeanor I can tell he wants something from the “adult section.” Before coming to the front counter, he waits for everyone to leave, which takes about 30 minutes, and slams an adult film on the counter along with some change.)

Me: “Hello. How’s your trip to [Store] been today?”

Customer: “I don’t care. Just ring me up before anyone sees me.”

Me: “Okay, that will be…” *noticing the case is already a little wet, I put it down and try not to puke*

Customer: “It’s $5, now gimme it.”

Me: “Okay, here you go.”

(Another 30 minutes goes by with no customers, so I decide to lock up. As I close the shutters, the same man runs in with the DVD now held above his head screaming.)

Customer: “WHAT THE F*** DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU F****** IMBECILE!”

(I take a look at the box and see nothing out of order until I open it and find what’s in the box: a copy of “Sesame Street,” not really something that I suppose that guy wanted.)

Me: “Do you want me to change that for you?”

Customer: “Nope, I’m just going to have the real thing now, but remember you gave me gonorrhoea.”

Me: “WHAT?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll have to get a hooker now and they have gonorrhoea so you gave me it!”

(He then proceeded to walk out of the shop screaming “you gave me gonorrhoea!”)

(It is the ’90s, before online video streaming services. I have to fill out a free membership registration form in order to rent a video from this chain store. I write “freelance artist” in the “Employment” section, and when I bring the form up to the young guy at the register in order to check out my videos, this happens:)

Cashier: *looking over my form* “Oh, cool! You freelance? What’s that like?”

Me: “Oh, it’s all right, at least when the work comes in!” *laughs*

Supervisor: *to Cashier, obviously joking* “Hey, stop harassing my customers! Leave the poor girl alone and let her check out her movies!”

Cashier: “I’m just curious! I wanna know what it’s like to work for yourself.”

Supervisor: *without missing a beat* “Well, you will if you don’t let this young lady finish her transaction!”

(I’m working in the video department at an entertainment store. My responsibilities include checking-in and shelving DVDs, and sending warning letters when a customer’s account balance has so many late fees that their account is being sent to collections.)

Me: *answers phone with store greeting*

Caller: “You crook!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Caller: “I got this letter saying I stole some movies! How dare you accuse me? You’re all thieves!”

Me: *manages to extract her name so I can pull up her account* “Well, ma’am, it looks like you rented out [Movie #1] and [Movie #2] on [Date]. If you return them, the block will be removed and your account will not be sent to collections.”

Caller: “I bought those movies! You’re a f****** liar! You’re going to f****** ruin my credit!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those movies are still popular releases and we haven’t marked any for used sale yet. My system says specifically that they were rented.”

Caller: “You’re just trying to swindle me!”

Me: “Ma’am, new copies of these movies sell for $25 and we have never sold a used copy of either. You paid $6 to rent both.”

(The caller goes into an insane rage. She threatens to beat me up, kidnap me, throw acid in my face, and burn my store down. In the background you can hear her husband desperately trying to get her to calm down and hang up.)

Me: *hangs up*

(Twenty minutes later a man walked in and silently dropped the two movies into the slot.)

(An older man approaches my counter with two movie rental jackets in hand. If people don’t have their store card, we can look up by phone number or last name, but it only pulls up names if you spell them completely and correctly. It can’t bring up partial names.)

Customer: *loudly* “I haven’t rented in a long time. I’m in the system probably. My name’s [long, complicated surname], spelled R-I-E… *trails off and stares expectantly*

Me: *knowing I would butcher the spelling if I guessed* “What was the phone number on the account, please?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: *louder* “What’s your phone number?”

Customer: “R-I-E…” *trails off again and stares at me*

Me: “That’s not a phone number, okay.” *keys back up to the ‘last name’ option* “Can you spell out your last n—”

Customer: *talking over me* “What?”

Me: *even louder* “Can you please spell out your last name?”

Customer: “[Long, complicated name], spelled R-I-E…” *stares expectantly*

Me: “…and the rest of it?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Can you please spell out the last name for me?”

Customer: “R-I-E…” *stares*

Me: “No, the whole—”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The whole name, please.”

Customer: *louder and slower* “R… I… E…” *stares expectantly again*

Me: *louder still* “Can you please spell out your ENTIRE last name?”

Customer: “Oh, you can’t spell [complicated last name]? It’s R… I… E…” *finally gives me the rest*

(I typed in the full name, and his account took a grand total of two seconds to pull up. It could have done that in the beginning, if he’d just given the full spelling the first time.)

(I am a shift manager for an entertainment retailer in a small town. The town is dominated by a Christian college and most of the town is associated with it in some form. They are sweet and kind people, but they’re rather sheltered, so much so that outsiders call it “The Bubble.” The following is a great example of said Bubble:)

Me: *answering phone* “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to speak with your manager, please.”

Me: “Speaking. What can I do for you this evening?”

Caller: “Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but one of your workers sold my five-year-old son something inappropriate.”

(This is scary, because our company takes that stuff very seriously and I don’t want anyone to get fired over it.)

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that. If I may, what did they sell to him?”

Caller: “It was a Justice League animated movie.”

Me: *mentally sighing in relief* “Well, I see that this title is rated 13+. Did your son come in and buy it by himself?”

Caller: “No, my husband was with him.”

Me: “So they sold it to your husband?”

Caller: “Well, yes. But it was obvious it was for my son. It was very inappropriate! A man commits suicide in the first scene!”

Me: “Well, they were allowed to sell it to your husband because he is over 13. But if you’ll bring the DVD back to the store, we’ll refund or exchange it for you.”

Caller: “I just don’t understand how your store could sell something like that without a warning. Do your employees not preview your movies so they can make recommendations?”

Me: “Ma’am, we have well over 100,000 titles in this store alone, and a few million titles in our corporate database, which are periodically rotated. There’s no way we could manually preview all of that material. Do you know about the rating system?”

Caller: *becoming frantic* “So, you just sell things without knowing what’s in them?!”

(I proceed to explain the rating system to her and point her to a few non-profit/Christian websites which provide reviews of movies and TV shows. It was like a revelation from Heaven. Pun intended.)