The PlayStation 5 has recently come out, and due to supply issues, it is almost impossible to get one. I get a lot of calls asking when they’ll be in stock, but one stands out more than the others.

Caller: “You got any PS5s?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t. Whenever we get them in, they sell out very fast, and due to supply issues—”

Caller: “Yeah, I saw that on the news. Disgusting! I hear we get all our chips from Taiwan! Taiwan! This is America, and we shouldn’t be getting our stuff from communist countries!”

Ignoring the fact that Taiwan isn’t communist, I try to reason with him.

Me: “Yeah, I read about that, but sadly, the chipsets that the PS5 runs on can only come from there so—”

Caller: “We should be able to make them here! Can’t you make them at your store?”

Me: “You’re asking our retail store to make the chips required to run a PS5?”

Caller: “I did this s*** in high school! All you need is a soldering iron and a steady hand.”

Me: “Sir, there are about ten-billion transistors in a PS5.”

Caller: *Pause* “Very steady hands, then!”

My manager was required to explain to him that a gaming store in the USA was not capable of replicating the output of a multi-billion-dollar microprocessor industry in Taiwan.

A mother and her young son are buying a Nintendo Switch with me. The son is holding the display box as he’s excited and needs something to hold while his mother and I discuss the purchase.

Me: “And will you be purchasing our accidental damage cover?”

Mother: “Absolutely not. This is already too expensive!”

Me: “While $120 seems like a lot up front, it covers all accidental damage for two years. That’s just five dollars a month.”

Mother: “Are you implying that my son is an imbecile who will destroy his new toy?”

Me: “Not at all. I am simply stating that—”

With that, the young son sighs loudly in a fit of boredom, as we’re apparently taking too long. He throws the (thankfully empty) box across the store and knocks over another display item.

Me: “…that accidents do happen.”

Mother: *Staring at the box on the floor* “…Only five dollars a month, you say?”

I am a gamer and a firm believer that something not being new doesn’t mean it’s bad. I bought a secondhand PlayStation 3 several years after the PS4 came out due to a lack of backwards-compatibility, I bought a WiiU the day the Switch came out because I hadn’t gotten a WiiU yet, and I still regularly play games for the PSP, Game Boy Advance, and GameCube. I have not gone a year without playing a game for each of these consoles for at least a week. Combine that with the fact that I DO enjoy new games, and… well, I now have a closet dedicated to storing my consoles when they’re not in use, so the TV stand and my bedside table don’t get crowded.

I say “now” because I didn’t at the time of this story; I had most of my home consoles sitting next to each other below the TV, switching out cords whenever I wanted to play something on a different system than the last, and all of my handhelds were scattered atop or in the drawer of my bedside table. When I decided to move in with my girlfriend, I had a giant storage bin dedicated to storing my consoles and another one that was holding all my games.

This game-hoarding (and I use the term facetiously) got me out of a bad relationship much sooner than I probably would have otherwise.

After we moved in together, [Girlfriend] started giving me “advice” (read: telling me and not letting me say no) about how I should dress and what I should or should not eat, that I should get more exercise and play fewer games, etcetera. This SHOULD have been a red flag, but in past-me’s defense, I am the exact opposite of fashion-minded, and I know my physique is not great; I didn’t put up much of a fight against her decisions. I got a LOT of compliments at work about how my wardrobe had stopped featuring blacks and greys, which probably gave me the idea that her advice was sound.

That is until I return home one day and find all my gaming stuff missing — my home consoles, my handhelds, all my games, and even a pair of headphones with an attached mic.

[Girlfriend] gets home shortly after I’m done turning the house upside-down looking for everything.

Girlfriend: “Hey, [My Name]! You’re back already?”

I’m somewhere between terrified and furious and really hoping this is a misunderstanding of some sort.

Me: “[Girlfriend]. Where. Are. My. Games?”

Girlfriend: “Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped playing video games? I donated them to [Secondhand Gaming Store]. Come on, why don’t we do something together?”

“Donated”?! So, not only did she get rid of all my stuff without permission, but she didn’t even get any money from it?

I don’t even respond to her questions. I walk out the door, ignore her asking me what I’m doing, get in my car, and drive to [Secondhand Gaming Store]. I go there regularly to check out their selection of no-longer-sold-new, and there’s rarely anyone else there; fortuitously, there is no one there today, either. Even more fortuitously, the clerk behind the counter is the guy who has processed 75% of my transactions at this place. He recognizes me when I get there.

Clerk: “Hey, [My Name], come here!”

Me: “Not now, [Clerk], I need to know—”

Clerk: “No, seriously, dude, come back here.”

My anger is starting to lose out to my terror at this point, but [Clerk] asking me to come behind the counter catches me by surprise. I come around the counter… and a familiar pair of storage bins are sitting there, open to reveal all my consoles sitting there in what looks like good condition.

Me: “Thank every f****** god in the Source, you still have them.”

Clerk: “‘Still have them’? Dude, no way was I going to let anything happen to them.”

I tell him what I found when I got home, and he tells me his side of the story.

[Girlfriend] parked her car in the nearest space to the door, carried my bins inside one at a time, and pushed the stack toward the counter. She asked [Clerk] what he could give her for my console collection and my giant pile of games. A red flag went off in [Clerk]’s head: who abruptly decides to sell five different home consoles AND four different handhelds all at once? Especially a PS4, in a year when the PS5 hasn’t even been announced. Combine that with [Clerk] knowing which consoles I buy games for, and he had his suspicions.

The standard procedure when you trade in a game or console to a competent secondhand dealer is that the dealer has to make sure the thing works. This gave [Clerk] a good excuse to see whether this stuff belonged to who he thought it did or this was some freak coincidence with someone off their rocker.

Since turning on a handheld is a faster job than plugging in a home console, he grabbed my Switch and hit the power button, and the screen lit up. When he got to the home screen, he found my account, the username of which uses a variation of my real name. He opened up the eShop and turned it toward [Girlfriend].

Clerk: “Excuse me, miss, could you do me a favour and log into this for me?”

Girlfriend: “Why? Can’t you just get rid of it before you sell it? He’s not going to use it anymore, anyway.”

Yes, she made it clear that these were not her things that she was trying to pawn off to him. [Clerk] refused to buy anything unless she brought the owner in with her, to which [Girlfriend] angrily demanded that he stop complaining and just take the goods from her. Eventually, [Girlfriend] got fed up with the argument.

Girlfriend: “Fine! Take them for free, then! I’m just trying to get rid of a bunch of stuff he doesn’t use! If you’re not gonna pay me for his stuff, that’s your fault!”

Yes, [Clerk] stressed, she did in fact say, “…pay me for his stuff…”

I thank [Clerk] and the Twelve about a hundred times each while I check my stuff for visible damage and find none. [Clerk] helps me carry my stuff back out to my car, and I call a friend, who agrees to let me crash at his place for a while. I take the gaming stuff to him first and then drive back to [Girlfriend]’s place and give her seven hells while I collect everything I own that will fit in my car.

Girlfriend: “Get back in here! Get rid of all that gaming junk, get back here, and apologize!”

Me: “I’ve got a better idea. How about you stop trying to decide what I’m allowed to enjoy and how I spend my free time, and I don’t treat you like a selfish b**** who cares about no one but herself?”

I would like to say that [Girlfriend] screamed at me because she’s human and a loud wordless vocalization by a human is usually described as a scream. But [Girlfriend] has a fairly low-pitched voice, and it genuinely sounded more like a roar. I turned around, got into my car, and drove away.

[Clerk], thank you again; I owe you big time. And [Girlfriend], f*** you with a greatsword.

Our tale begins with a devilishly handsome retail worker in a [Computer Store] that has a video games section. This retail worker is pretty well versed in games and pop culture, so he was a shoo-in for the job.

In comes the antagonist of our story. A customer stomps in, looks among the games, and grabs two of them. In a shocking bout of wisdom, the customer approaches the retail worker and holds up both games.

Customer: “Which is best for a ten-year-old boy?”

The games in question? “Grand Theft Auto 4” — new at the time — and “Sonic’s Sega Collection”, both on PlayStation 3. Now, what did this retail worker do? Well, obviously, be a very responsible salesman and tell the customer that the Sega Collection is best, waxing poetic about how the retail worker grew up on those games and enjoyed them when he was ten years old.

The customer holds both games and deliberates for roughly ten minutes. This time, the customer decides to go against the retail worker’s best judgement and buy “Grand Theft Auto 4”. The worker thinks nothing of it, just the usual when it comes to customers like this.

But this is not where the tale ends. Oh, no, no. This honorable knight isn’t prepared for this dragon’s fiery breath.

The next day, our still handsome rogue of a retail worker has a weird feeling, that which feels like Spider-Man’s “Spidey Sense”. There the monster is when the store opens, clearly angry.

Customer: “You sold me a game that had violence, sex, and curse words in it!”

The roguish knight is taken aback! He musters up his courage, looks this dragon in the eye, and responds with the most customer-friendly voice.

Worker: “Ma’am, if I recall, I did suggest a better game for your ten-year-old: the Sega Collection.“

This is his fatal mistake; using logic against a chaotic being will be his undoing and leave him mentally scarred for eternity. The monster rears its ugly head and spews these words:

Customer: “Well, maybe you should’ve been a more assertive salesman and smacked the game out of my hands!”

The words pierced the worker’s heart; the amount of Stupidity-elemental damage got past his armor and it was a critical hit to his logic stat. With the customer screaming for aid from the manager, he told her to leave the store.

A woman comes into the store with her child.

Customer: “I just found out that Nintendo is a Japanese company, and that Xbox is an American company.”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: *Narrows eyes.* “So you knew about this?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Most people into video games know this.”

Customer: “Hmm, I’ll have to write to our senator about this. Anyway, my son wants to play Mario, but I can only see it on those Nintendos. I’d like Mario but for Xbox.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not possible. Mario is only available on Nintendo devices.”

Customer: “Then get me someone who knows what they’re talking about.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter who you talk to, ma’am, Mario is a character owned by Nintendo. You won’t find games featuring him on any other console other than Nintendo.”

Customer: “This is where it all starts! You let these Asian companies into our American homes and then we lose jobs to them! It’s all because of people like you!”

She takes out her phone.

Customer: “I’m going to call the Senator about this!”

She trundles off, angrily dialing numbers into her phone. It was a Samsung.