He Will Utter It Here

| Austin, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

(I am female, and work in a video game and movie resale store. I’ve been a fan of fantasy and sci-fi my whole life. I’m busy at the computer making a sign for a display, when a customer comes into the store.)

Me: “Hello! Let me know if I can help you find anything, or if you have any questions.”

(The customer just looks at the floor. He goes over to look at movies, when suddenly he holds up a box and a ring on a necklace.)

Customer: “They match.”

(I looked up. He’s holding ‘The One Ring’ on a gold chain, and holding the box art to ‘Lord of the Rings’.)

Customer: “The writing, it matches. I just wanted to make sure it matched.”

(We frequently get cosplayers in the store, and I enjoy talking about whatever fandom people are into. I was about to ask where he got his replica, when he starts turning the ring around in his fingers.)

Customer: “The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. In the common tongue it reads “One Ring to Rule Them All. One Ring to Find Them. One Ring to Bring Them All and In The Darkness Bind Them”.”

(I raise an eyebrow and keep smiling. He begins to walk towards the counter, caressing the ring and begins Galadriel’s soliloquy from the opening of The Fellowship of the Ring.)

Customer: “The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Rings…”

(My co-worker comes out from the back-room mid-soliloquy, and sees the look of somewhat bemused consternation on my face.)

Coworker: “Um [name], have you seen the new plush we just got in?”

Me: “No! I haven’t! They’re adorable!”

Coworker: “I KNOW RIGHT!?”

(The customer looks disappointed, but patiently waits out our exchange. As soon as my coworker goes back to the back stock, HE STARTS OVER FROM THE BEGINNING.)

Customer: “It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords…”

Coworker: “Um, [name], when you get a chance can you come back here; I have a question about this item.”

Me: “Sure. I’ll be there in just a minute.”

(I glance at the customer, and back at my coworker.)

Customer: “It’s all right. It’s just… The writing, it matches. I just wanted to make sure it matched.”

(At that, he puts the DVD back and quietly leaves the store. I’m still not entirely sure what happened. He hasn’t ever come back, but if he does, hopefully he knows ‘gi nathlam h”‘—Sindarin (or Elvish) for ‘you are welcome here’.)

RPG = Really Pretentious Gamer

| PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology

(It’s a slow day, and there are only two customers in the store. One of the customers, a friend of mine who’s 21, but looks like a high-schooler, comes to the counter with a copy of ‘Halo 4’.)

Friend: “I’d like to buy this, please.”

(Suddenly, the other customer, a guy in his mid-20s, runs up and attempts to rip the game out of my friend’s hands. My friend manages to leap back in time.)

Friend: “Hey, man! What is your problem?”

Customer: “What the f*** are you doing buying that s***? Little whiny b***y kids like you shouldn’t even be touching this!”

Friend: “I’m 21, and even then you could just say that, and not try to grab it from me!”

Customer: “Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be supporting Microsoft anyway! They’re fascist f***s ruining the industry with their generic frat boy s***! It’s a**-holes like you who only encourage them!”

Me: “Okay, that’s enough! If you’re going to continue insulting my friend or his gaming preferences, I’m going to ask you to leave the store.”

Customer: “Hmph! That a**-hole is no gamer! Real gamers play RPGs, not shallow generic First Person Shooters! I would’ve smashed that s*** and laughed in his face!”

(As he storms out, he gives one last parting shot.)

Customer: “When the second crash occurs, it’ll be on your hands!”

Playing Gameboys

| IL, USA | Family & Kids, Technology

(I am in my local video game store, picking up a copy of ‘Devil May Cry’. I am the only female in the store, and since I can’t see well enough to get a driver’s license, my father has driven me here. The store is really busy, so after plucking a copy from the shelf, I browse for a bit. A little boy approaches me.)

Boy: “Is that for your dad?”

Me: “No, this is for me.”

(The boy’s eyes widen in surprise.)

Boy: “You play video games?”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Boy: “But you’re a GIRL!”

Me: “So? Girls play video games too, honey.”

Boy: “But you like girly games, right?”

Me: “Actually, no. I hate girly games. I prefer action games and action RPGs, like Devil May Cry, Castlevania, Final Fantasy, and Kingdom Hearts.”

(The little guy’s eyes widen so much that I’m expecting them to pop out of his head. He turns to face his mother.)

Boy: “Mom! Mom! There’s a girl that likes video games!”

(The mom hurriedly grabs her son, checks out their games, and practically runs from the store. As soon as the door shuts behind them, everyone inside cracks up.)

Store Clerk: *still laughing* “But you’re a GIRL!”