Customer: “Hey. You were talking about vampire books with the last customer?”

Me: “They’re here on the wall next to the counter.”

Customer: “Do you have any gay ones?”

Me: “Do you mean as in homoerotic literature?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, no. Have you tried [Romance Bookshop] across the road?”

Customer: “Why would I go there? I just want gay vampires.”

Me: “Well, that’s generally a subsection of romance, not sci-fi.”

Customer: “I don’t want romance! I just want gay vampires!”

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Customer: “Excuse me, can you please help me find the new [Brand] MP3 player? The one with the built-in paedophile?”

Me: “I’m sorry, built in what?”

Customer: “Paedophile, that thing that keeps track of your footsteps?”

Me: “Ah, yes. That would be a pedometer.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I can say with 100% certainty that none of our products have a built-in paedophile.”

Customer: “Hi, could you point me in the direction of the butter?”

Me: “Of course, it’s just over here.”

Customer: “Do you have these in liquid form? Like watery?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.. Did you want cream?”

Customer: “No, no, like liquid butter?”

(At this point I look at the customers shopping list: it’s a recipe list for pancakes and it clearly says ‘melted butter.’)

Me: “You want to buy melted butter? You know you can just make that, right?”

Customer: “Oh, really? You actually make it yourself? How do you do that?”

Me: “You just put regular butter in a hot pan and it melts.”

Customer: “Wow! That’s fantastic! Thank you so much!”

(A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)

Customer: “The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment.” *checks* “No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price.”

Customer: “$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!”

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Customer: “Excuse me, I want a piece of this cheese but the only one you have expires tomorrow.”

Me: “Sorry, it looks like we’re sold out of that kind. Our truck comes in tomorrow, though.”

Customer: *holding out the piece of cheese* “Well, just put more days on it, then!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Just put more days on this piece!”

Me: “You want me to print a new label with a different expiration date?”

Customer: “Yeah!”

Me: “Ma’am, no matter what the label says, the cheese is going to expire tomorrow.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid!”