(I get a lot of rude customers, and sometimes I just can’t help teaching them little lessons on manners and patience, mainly through over-the-top sarcastic politeness.)

Customer: *on phone* “I came to your shop a little while ago and you were closed. It says on the door you are open until five pm. Why are you closed? It’s very inconvenient and misleading.”

Me: *knowing that I had been at the bank about 15 minutes ago* “How long ago were you here?”

Customer: “About 15 to 20 minutes ago. I had to drive all the way from [Suburb about 20 minutes away] and you were closed. It’s very inconvenient.”

Me: *knowing that I had left a clear sign on the door saying “Gone to bank. back in 15 minutes”* “Was there a sign on the door or anything like that?”

Customer: “There was a sign saying you are open until five pm.”

Me: *knowing that if they saw that sign they HAD to have seen my bank sign* “Was there any other sign there, maybe where the open sign usually is?”

Customer: “Umm, well, there may have been one saying ‘Gone to bank’ or something…”

Me: *yes, you now realise you’re a fool and I’m going to make you admit it* “And did it say when the store would re-open?”

Customer: *amid sighs and grunts* “It said you would be back in 15 minutes.”

Me: *being super perky* “Okay, well that was 15 to 20 minutes ago and I’m back now, so the store has re-opened. We’re open until five pm so please come back any time before then. Have a good day. Good-bye.”

(I am recounting a true story I read on the Internet to my mother where a Jewish bride-to-be receives a cross necklace from a relative to wear at the wedding. She doesn’t seem to react as strongly as I expected, so I decide to clarify just what is wrong. Note that while my mom is Catholic, I’m atheist.)

Me: “Jewish people don’t believe in Jesus.”

Mom: “Why not? They don’t believe in having a god?”

Me: “They just go by the Old Testament.”

(I’m not exactly sure what happened at this point, but about two sentences later:)

Me: “Well, the Old Testament is pretty much a collection of stories of God getting angry and killing people.”

Mom: “God never killed anyone!”

Me: “Forty days and forty nights?”

(She gave me a look and left the room.)

(I get a call on my cellphone from a number I don’t know. I recently contacted someone on Craigslist about a very nice dining table they were just giving away, so I answer.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “[Name similar to mine]?”

Me: “[My Name], yeah.”

Caller: “You wanna hang out?”

Me: “Sorry… who is this?”

Caller: “Is this [Name similar to mine]?”

Me: “No, my name is [My Name]. I’ve only had this number for a couple weeks though, so he was probably the guy who had it before me.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Sorry about that. Bye.” *click*

(I thought it was kind of funny that I’d inherited my number from someone whose name was only one letter different from mine… though I found it considerably less funny that I kept getting calls for him at least once a week for the next SIX MONTHS. Some of which would not believe me that I wasn’t him, and others that would immediately text me after hanging up asking him to call them. I eventually started to wonder if he’d been a dealer.)

(Usually my friends and I go to our classes all together. I arrive at a class to find a friend, the only one I am with for that subject, already there.)

Me: “You gave up. You let me down. Why’d you run around and desert me?”

Friend: “I was waiting by the library and you weren’t there…”

Me: “You’re gonna make me cry; why’d you say goodbye? At least you didn’t tell a lie, because that would have really hurt me.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “I will kill your entire family. And your dog.”

(I’ve chosen to take Legal Studies as one of my Year 12 courses. As part of the course, we’re allowed to go to a local prison to meet some of the inmates and hear about their experiences with the criminal justice system. Since the bus to the prison leaves fairly early from school, my dad agrees to drive me to school.)

Dad: “Hey, [Radio Station] is having one of their contests on in five minutes!”

(He calls, and manages to get through to the station.)

Operator: “What are you doing up so early today?”

Dad: “I’m taking my daughter to prison!”

(Thanks, Dad. On the plus side, that particular statement DID get him on the radio.)