(I keep aquariums. At one point I debate giving away my current fish so I can house a different type, and I mention it to a friend.)

Friend: “Well, you could always just flush them. I mean, all pipes lead to the ocean, right?”

Me: “…okay, first problem with that, they would first fall into an ocean of s***. Second problem, they’d end up in a treatment facility, which would kill them if they weren’t dead already. Third problem, they’re freshwater fish.”

(I ended up giving the few large cold-water fish I had to a fellow fish-keeper so I could get many small tropical fish. People, if you no longer want your pets, PLEASE don’t try to “release them to the wild!” They will either die or wreak havoc on the local ecosystem.)

(The clock has just hit five pm, and a lot of our out-of-uniform stock workers are turning up. To customers, these workers appear as random other customers, as they are simply wearing casual clothes. I am working behind the counter of our printing section, in uniform. A good friend and coworker of mine comes through the counter, out of uniform. There are no customers in line, so my friend and I do a stupid handshake. Thirty seconds later, out of nowhere, a line of about five customers forms. A senior lady who has a medical face mask on approaches me.)

Lady: “That was a cool handshake!”

Me: *realizing she must have seen it, trying to be friendly* “Yeah, I guess you could say that!”

Lady: “Is that how you normally greet your customers? I want one!”

Me: “No, he’s actually a worker here—”

Lady: *cuts me off* “No, no, no… I WANT one. I want that greeting!” *she holds out her fist for a fist-bump while moving closer towards me*

Me: *I can feel the eyes of the customers in line staring, observing this bizarre interaction, so I try play it off politely.* “Ah, sorry, I reserve those greetings for friends.”

(She’s still edging ever-so-slightly forward with her fist out.)

Lady: *by this point, she’s behind the printing counter with me* “Is this how you guys did it?”

Me: *I’m trying to think how to get this lady away from me quickly and quietly, so I decide to give her a fist bump in the hopes she will move along…* “Uh, yes, here you … go?” *fist bump*

(Customers are all watching, like a small crowd.)

Lady: *laughs maniacally* “Ah, that was wonderful, I feel so young!”

Me: *Thinking that that’s enough, and this lady is completely insane.* “Is there something else I can help you with?”

Lady: “No, that will suffice for the day.” *stares into my soul via my eyes*

Me: *hoping she’ll move on out from behind the counter* “Okay, then!”

(I wait for her to move along, but she doesn’t. She moves further into my department.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am? You can’t go that way. You’ll need to move out from this area, I’m afraid.”

Lady: “Oh.” *mumbles something I can’t comprehend*

(She finally moves away and I turn to face the line of customers and ask, “Who was next please?” as I try act like nothing strange has happened.)

Next Customer: “What the h*** was that all about…”

(I am in my late teens, sitting in the intercity bus station, waiting for my bus’s arrival to be announced. There are two ladies sitting beside me, chatting about going for coffee, when all of a sudden one of them turns to me.)

Woman: “Would you like a coffee?”

Me: “Uh…”

Woman: “Oh, right, you’re too young for coffee. Never mind, then.”

(They get up and go without another word, leaving me feeling completely baffled. I then realize they left their luggage behind.)

Me: *mentally* “…crap.”

(Despite not being asked to do so, I proceed to sit there keeping a watchful eye on their luggage, since I would feel bad if I left them unattended and something happened. I’m also keeping a close eye on the clock, hoping they’ll come back soon. When there is less than ten minutes before my bus leaves, just as I am about to abandon their bags anyway, they finally return. As soon as I see them, I jump up and sprint to my bus’s bay so I don’t miss it. As I am in line to give the driver my ticket, they approach me.)

Woman: “Did you watch our luggage the entire time we were gone?”

Me: “Well, I didn’t want it to get stolen…”

Woman: “Thank you very much!”

Me: “Um, you’re welcome.”

(As luck would have it, I was actually able to get my preferred seat on the bus, even though it is usually claimed by the very first people on. I figured it was karma paying me back.)

(Overheard conversation in the library between two grade-eight students from a class I’m covering.)

Kid #1: “I met my new neighbours yesterday. They’re from a place near Saudi Arabia that starts with a G.”

Kid #2: “Ghana?”

Kid #1: “Ghana? Oh, ya, that must be it!”

Me: “I think it’s Qatar. It’s pronounced with a G.”

Kid #1: “Are you sure it’s not Ghana? You’re not the geography teacher.”

Me: “Kid, if it’s Ghana I will not make you do your final exam.”

(It was Qatar by the way; the kid told me the next day.)

(Telemarketers keep calling and asking for my sister, whose name is similar to Michael and not foreign. On the third call I decide to mess with the telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, is this Michael?”

Me: “Yeah, Michael’s here. I’m his manager, here at GM Pizza. While you’re waiting for him, let me tell you about our special. We can do home delivery and you’ll get a free can of whoop-a—”

Telemarketer: *click*