(My friend run a small business and, on occasion, they have special events that include renting out market stalls. They take bookings ahead of time, but on this occasion, one of their regulars hasn’t arrived so there is an empty table. The rent they receive goes to a charity. I am helping them out in their main shop when one of their staff members comes over.)

Staff: “Hey, [Owner], I thought the table next to my shop was for [Regular Stall Holder]?”

Owner: “It is; she’s not arrived yet.”

Staff: “Well, some woman has just sat down at it and started putting out items, and has been asking people to buy them.”

Owner: “I’ll come over and take a look; maybe [Regular] asked her to start setting up.”

Staff: “There’s nothing there that she would normally sell.”

(A few minutes later the owner comes back, he is fuming.)

Owner: “What is wrong with people? This woman saw an empty table and decided to set her own stall up. I asked her what she was doing, and she told me she wanted to sell her things. I told her that she needed to pay rent for the stall. She refused to do that because ‘it’s a charity event and the tables should be free.’ So, I asked how much of her takings she would be donating, and she told me that she isn’t going to donate anything because she is selling her own things.”

(Stall holders were also donating a percentage of their sales towards the charity. They ended up kicking her out and sitting one of their volunteers at the table with their own stock.)

(I answer the phone over the lunch break at work. The CFL is the Canadian Football League.)

Customer: “Hi, I want to talk to the lady I talked to before about the CFL.”

Me: “I’m afraid it wasn’t me, but do you have the name of the person who was helping you?”

Customer: *snapping at me* “I don’t keep track of names!”

Me: “Okay, did you call earlier today?”

Customer: “No. It was like a month ago or something. Just find her for me.”

Me: “If it was that long ago, I really don’t know who that might be.”

Customer: “Well, just ask around!”

(I put him on hold and ask my coworkers at the desk. None of them remember talking to him.)

Me: “No one I spoke to seems to be the lady who you spoke with before.”

Customer: “Did you ask everyone?”

Me: “Well, sir, we have around thirty staff members. I don’t know which one might have spoken to you.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you’re like a big company then. Are they all there today?”

Me: “No. There are only about ten here today, and it’s lunch time, so there are only about five people available.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, my name is [Name] and my phone number is [number]. I want to talk to her about ordering a CFL playbook.”

Me: “Oh, all right. Could I possibly help you with that?”

Customer: “NO! I only want to talk to her!”

Me: “…All right, then. I’ll post a note with your contact information. Have a nice day.”

(The note is currently still sitting there, untouched.)

(I work near the port where the cruise ships come in, so we got a lot of tourists. I have just finished helping a customer, when a lady who has been hanging back from the counter hesitantly walks up and puts her purchase on the counter.)

Customer: *after having listened to previous transaction* “I don’t speak Canadian; do you speak American?”

Me: “I speak English.”

(The customer looked dumbfounded, hurriedly paid for her stuff, and ran out of the store.)

(I work the front counter on one of the tills, with my boss fixing the ice cream machine standing a foot behind me, when a customer walks up.)

Me: “Welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A cheeseburger and fries.”

Me: “That will be [price].”

(The customer hands over the money and then says in the same volume and tone of voice used to order:)

Customer: “Want to buy some drugs?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(The customer then found a seat in the middle of the lobby… and spread out his wares in little pill bottles. Everyone in the store was staring at this guy, as my manager, also plainly visible to everyone in the store, was on the phone with the cops and could not stop snickering under her breath. The rest of the staff and customers waiting in line now proceeded to find comfortable spots to watch as this oblivious idiot got arrested.)

(I am getting some lunch with my mother at a popular fast food place. She’s a little bit distracted and has turned into one of those customers.)

Cashier: “For the drink would you like diet or regular?”

Mother: “Yes.”

Cashier: “Um…”

Me: “She means diet, sorry. She’s a bit all over the place today.”

Cashier: “No problem.”

Mother: “What just happened?”

Me: “She asked if you wanted a diet or a regular drink and you replied ‘yes.'”

Mother: “Oh no, I’m one of those people!”