Corrupt The Kids And You’ll Have H*** Toupee

, , , , , , | Right | September 2, 2010

(I’m a female. I’ve recently shaved my head for charity.)

Customer’s Son: “Mum, there’s a boy-lady!”

Customer: *distracted* “Is there darling?”

Customer’s Son: “Yes, at the counter.”

(The mother glares at me.)

Customer: “I see.”

Customer’s Son: “Can I be a boy-lady?”

Customer: “No. No, you cannot.”

(They finish what they’re doing and as they’re leaving the mother calls me over.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you do at home, but if you want to pass for female in public, buy a d*** wig. You’re corrupting the kids!”


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Takeout The Decision Making Process

, , , | Right | August 29, 2010

(I’m a new waiter and I’m alone during an afternoon shift when a customer calls.)

Customer: “I’m [Customer]. I’d like to order my usual for takeaway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m new. Could you tell me what you would like to order?”

Customer: “My usual.”

Me: “I don’t know what that is, sir.”

Customer: “Just tell the kitchen that it’s for [Customer]. They’ll know what it is.”

Me: “Okay, but just in case they don’t know, could you tell me what your usual is?”

Customer: “Oh, they’ll know. I’m a regular.”

(He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later a man turns up in the restaurant.)

Customer: “I’m [Customer]. I ordered my usual over the phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, the kitchen staff don’t know what your usual is so they weren’t able to make it.”

Customer: “But I’m a regular! They know who I am.”

Me: “They don’t. They cook whatever we tell them to cook. They never interact with the customers. If you would like to tell me what your usual is I could place your order.”

Customer: “Never mind.”

(The customer left. Later, I told the manager what happened. The manager laughed and said that that particular customer always ordered his usual which was whatever dish the staff member chose for him.)

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History (Deep) Pans Out

, , , | Right | August 27, 2010

(A Native Canadian customer comes into the store with five small children.)

Customer: “Why do the deluxe and the Hawaiian pizza cost the same? One has more toppings!”

Me: “To be honest, I’m not really sure. That’s just the way the company works, I guess.”

Customer: “Well, can I get a discount for the Hawaiian, then? It has five less toppings!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that.”

Customer: *long pause* “You’re a cruel person.”

Me: “Come again?”

Customer: “Your people come here, give diseases, kill us all, steal our land, put our children in residential schools, and now this!”

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Curiosity Feeds The Cat

, , , | Right | June 23, 2010

Customer: “Can you help me, please?”

Me: “Yes, of course. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Well, I want to buy some food for my cat, but mine doesn’t look like the one on the packet. Can I still feed it to him?”

Me: “Yes, sir, of course.”

Customer: “Wow, really? Thanks!”

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Too Much Gravy For The Brain

, , , | Right | June 16, 2010

(I’m a cook in a restaurant that many tourists visit.)

Me: *to waitress* “So, how did everyone like their food?”

Waitress: “The table complained that the meal contains too much sauce.”

Me: “His order gets the sauce on the side.”

Waitress: “Yeah, he complained that he added too much.”

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