Plush With Discomfort

, , , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I work in a library.)

Customer: “You! Question!”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

(The customer gestures at the public computers in the middle of the room.)

Customer: “Why is it people who want to play stupid Internet games for an hour get to sit in plush comfort, while those of us who want to use the library services have to stand?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

(The customer points to the far end of the room, where a catalogue-only computer is on a high desk, with no chair.)

Customer: *increasingly loudly* “I want to look up books, which is what this place is here for, and I am forced to stand to do so, while anyone who wants to waste library resources gets to sit in plush comfort.”

Me: “I see. Well, there’s two catalogue computers next to the photocopier; those have chairs if you’d like to sit down while you look up your books.”

Customer: “I am not wasting library resources, unlike everyone else in here.”

Me: “Of course. Also, the catalogue is Internet-based, so you can really use any of the computers to look up books, but you’ll need to log in with your library card.”

Customer: “I need to log in to use a chair?

Me: “Not if you use the catalogues next to the photocopier.”

(The customer glares at me for a moment, then turns to leave. He stops at the door, turns back toward me, and points at me, scowling.)

Customer: “PLUSH COMFORT!”

Customer #2: “…what?”

Me: “I have no idea.”

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This Is Not A Good Look For Her

, , , , , | Romantic | June 11, 2018

(My girlfriend and I head downtown, where she has repeatedly told me she is going to get me a “surprise.” We stop at a restaurant across from a shopping mall. I order something small, while she orders a fancy half-order of eggs benny. Shortly, our waiter returns.)

Waiter: “Okay, so, there was a mix-up in the kitchen, and instead of making you a half-order, they made you a full order. But don’t worry; we’ll only charge you for the half-order.”

(At this point I’m thinking, great! We can split it! Awesome!)

Girlfriend: “Actually, I want to head across the street for a bit. Can you just hold this for me until I come back?”

Waiter: “Well… we won’t be able to hold it; we’d just make you a new one when you get back…”

Girlfriend: “Okay, I’ll be back soon!”

(I was completely stunned. I wish I had told her to just stay and eat her food, but I was so speechless at her actions I just sat there staring at her as she left. The waiter went to the kitchen to throw the perfectly good meal in the garbage, and returned to ask me to move to a different table off in the corner. I then sat there for an ENTIRE HOUR waiting for my girlfriend to return, and when she got back acted like it was a completely normal thing to do, waited for and ate her original half-order of breakfast, and we left with her acting all bubbly and excited for the rest of the outing we’d had planned. I was too humiliated to personally apologize to our waiter, so I just left him a note on our table and tipped him 100%. When we got home, that night, she finally gave me my surprise: a ”sexy” new outfit for herself. She had taken so long because she had to keep trying on different ones. I wanted to strangle her.)

Gotta Give Them Credit For Trying, Part 2

, , , , , , | | Legal | June 10, 2018

(We have a woman spend a lot of money with us on a credit card. A couple of weeks later we get a notice from the bank disputing the charges. I am very panicked as it’s a lot of money and even though I am not the one who served her, I was the manager on duty and did help with the packing of her purchases, so I feel responsible. Amidst the panic, I am formulating how I would pay back the lost money to the company when the manager calls me into the office. She’s been going through camera footage.)

Manager: “I can see that you’re helping wrap. Didn’t you notice anything about the customer? Did the card look fake or anything?”

Me: “No, I was really only wrapping between my own customers”

Manager: “You can see she knows exactly where the cameras are; she keeps her face covered or turned away. Here is the footage where the signature on the card is being checked so I know that was done right. But we have no idea how to get her because she gave a fake name. All I’ve got is a few shots of her on the camera at the counter.”

Me: *finally thinking straight* “Wait a minute. Is the camera outside the door real?”

(We used to have mostly fake cameras but a lot were replaced by real ones.)

Manager: “Yes, I’ve seen where she walks in the store on it.”

Me: “Go to [time] on it.”

Manager: “Okay, done it. What am I looking for?” *right then a car pulls up in full view of the camera*

Me: “That’s her car. I just remembered telling her to bring her car to the front of the store to make it easy.”

(We watched as she got out of the car, her full registration number clearly shown. Last I heard the woman is now doing five years, because she had been caught doing the same thing before. She had also done the same thing at our other branches. The card was actually real. She used a misspelling of her name to apply for it, so it was the bank’s fault because they didn’t check it against her ID properly.)

Gotta Give Them Credit For Trying

Fern Burn

, , , , | Right | June 7, 2018

(My friend and I are at a store that sells houseplants. We see a very delicate plant with several branches, and I ask about it.)

Me: “That one there; is it a tree or a fern?”

Worker: “It’s actually a tree fern.”

Me: *glaring at the fern* “Touché, plant.”

I Like Big Butts With Multiple Cheeks

, , , , , | Friendly | June 6, 2018

(I have a friend who I tend to be jokingly evasive with when she asks me questions. I’m currently playing a game on my tablet.)

Friend: “Whatcha doin’?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Friend: “You’re playing a game, right?”

Me: “No.”

Friend: “Then whatcha doin’?”

Me: “Lookin’ at porn.”

Friend: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “Yup, I definitely am.”

Friend: “No, you definitely aren’t.”

Me: “I totally am.”

Friend: “If you were looking at porn, you wouldn’t be swiping your finger across the screen so much. You’d be jacking it.”

Me: “I’m zooming in on her butt cheeks.”

Friend: *after a few more seconds of me swiping around* “How many butt cheeks does she have?

Me:Way too many. I think it might be a medical condition.”

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