I’m at home, and my phone rings, but it shows “PRIVATE NUMBER” instead of a name or a phone number. No one I know has caller ID blocked, but you never know, it might be legit, so I answer.

Scammer: “Hello, I am Agent Smith of the Internal Revenue Service. I am calling for [My Name].”

Ah, yes, the IRS scam. It has to be a scam because I’m a Canadian, I live in Canada, and I do not have US citizenship.

Me: “Speaking.”

Scammer: “Hello, yes, I’m calling about back taxes you owe. Can you confirm your SSN for me, please?”

Me: “I don’t have an SSN.”

Scammer: “…what? Of course you do. Everyone has one.”

Me: “Not me. I’m special.”

Scammer: “Now look, this is quite serious. If you refuse to cooperate, I will have no choice but to have the FBI arrest you!”

Me: “Good luck with that. Last I checked, the FBI has no jurisdiction in Canada. Goodbye!”

I hang up. Not even ten seconds later, the phone rings and it’s “<PRIVATE NUMBER>” on the display again. Pretty sure it’s the scammer, I pick it up and I’m all set to tell them to get lost, but the scammer beats me to it:

Scammer: “CANADA ISN’T REAL!”

And hangs up.

Alrighty, then.

Related:
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 11
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 10
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 9
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 8

I’m trying to help an older customer reset a password and sign back in to their email account. After going through the steps, I inform the customer of what their new password is.

Me: “Your password is [some letters, some numbers] with an exclamation mark at the end.”

Customer: “Sorry, what’s that?”

Me: “Passwords with [Company] need to have a mix of letters, numbers, and another symbol. So yours is [letters, numbers], exclamation mark.”

Customer: “Sorry, what’s the last thing?”

Me: “An exclamation mark.”

Customer: “What’s an exclamation mark?”

Me: “It’s the symbol just above the number one on your keyboard.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, thank you. I’m sorry I wasn’t brought up around computers.”

I did get the customer signed back in, and they left satisfied. But it honestly took me a second to process what had just happened.

To the best of my knowledge, exclamation marks are just a basic part of the English language and have existed since long before computers. I’ve helped plenty of customers to reset passwords, but this was the first time I’ve had to play the role of an English teacher in the process.

I work in a shop that sells and repairs computers and phones. Since we are an IT business, it’s pretty rare that we ever get tech support scam phone calls. But one quiet afternoon, an unfortunate scammer tries to call our shop. The business owner takes the phone call, and since it’s a slow afternoon, he decides to put it on speakerphone, pretend to be an old person who doesn’t use the Internet, and have some fun with it.

Scammer: “We are calling from [Large Internet Provider] to let you know that there is a problem with your IP address.”

Manager: “Oh, sorry, what address did I pee at?”

Scammer: “Your IP address is [long string of numbers], and this is a public address, not a private address.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. I don’t think any street here has that address, and I definitely didn’t pee anywhere in public. I only ever do that in private.”

Scammer: “No, no, no, sir. I don’t mean that kind of pee. IP means your Internet Protocol address. Everybody can see your address.”

Manager: “Well, I’m sure they can. If you drive past my street, our address is easily visible.”

Scammer: “No, not that address! Your Internet Protocol. It has been compromised, and now everyone can see it! This is a risk to your online security!”

Manager: “Oh, okay. That doesn’t sound good. What should I do?”

Scammer: “Can you please open your web browser on your phone?”

Manager: “How do I do that?”

Scammer: “Okay, what brand is your phone? Is it an Apple or an Android?”

Manager: “Um, I don’t know. I think it’s a Nokia. There are lots of buttons on it, but none of them say ‘web browser’.”

Scammer: “Okay, I see. Do you have a computer or a tablet, then?”

Manager: “Yes, I have a tablet at dinner time.”

Scammer: “What kind of tablet is it? Is it an Apple iPad or an Android?”

Manager: “Um, it’s a Panadol tablet.”

Scammer: “Sorry, I’m not familiar with that brand. Is it some kind of Android tablet?”

Manager: “I don’t think so. I just take it as I get headaches a lot.”

Scammer: “Oh, okay. Then what device do you use to get on the Internet?”

Manager: “I don’t know. I don’t use the Internet.”

Scammer: “But how do you pay for your [Internet Provider] bill? Wouldn’t you do that on the Internet?”

Manager: “But didn’t you say you are from [Internet Provider]? Don’t you know how I pay my bill?”

Scammer: “Um… I’m not from their billing department, so I can’t see that.”

Manager: “Okay. I just mail them a cheque.”

Scammer: *Hangs up*

Between the I-Pee address and the Panadol tablet, I was in stitches after that. It was the most entertaining thing that happened on that quiet afternoon.

I recently got into making crafts out of polymer clay. One day, I made a bunch of things and set them on a tray, ready to be baked. My girlfriend, wanting to be helpful, offered to put them in the oven for me while I was off doing something else.

Girlfriend: “Three-seventy-five degrees, right?”

Me: “Hm? Oh, right, yeah.”

Not long after, she came over to me.

Girlfriend: “Um, there’s smoke coming out of the oven.”

Me: “That’s weird, because— Oh, s***! Two-seventy-five! Two-seventy-five!“

We both raced to get the smoking plastic out of the oven and open every single window to air out the place before we managed to either suffocate ourselves or set off the entire building’s smoke alarm. Luckily, we got to it soon enough that our emergency was entirely localized to our apartment, and on some of the pieces, the singeing actually made them look kind of cool, just not how I had intended them to look.

Eventually, my girlfriend spoke up.

Girlfriend: “Thanks for not getting mad at me.”

Me: “Why would I get mad at you? You literally asked me, and I told you it was okay. I’m the one who should know, so I’m the one who f***ed up! Thank you for not getting mad at me!“

I’m working the hotel reception when a guest comes over to ask:

Guest: “What’s the difference between a metro and a tram?”

Me: “Metro is underground and tram is overground.”

Guest: *Getting out a pen and some post-its.* “Slow down, I need to write that down. That’s too much to remember.”

I said it again slowly and she wrote it down. She got it right the second time.