Not Going To Let That (Mud)Slide

, , , , , , | Right | December 31, 2018

(It is New Year’s Eve. A teenage boy comes up to the register with a few packs of vodka mudshakes.)

Teen: “Just these, thanks.”

Me: “Have you got your ID?”

Teen: “Oh, yeah, it’s just in my car.”

Me: “Sure. I’ll keep these up here while you go and get it.”

Teen: “I don’t want to trouble you.”

Me: “It’s no trouble at all.”

(He wanders around near the entrance for a bit, where I see him talk to a bunch of other teenage boys. He then comes back in.)

Teen: “It looks like someone’s broken into my car and stolen everything, including my ID.”

Me: “Oh, my goodness! You should call the police.”

Teen: “Yeah, I’ll drive straight down to the station from here. So, how much for these?”

Me: “I still need to see your ID.”

Teen: “But someone stole it.”

Me: “I know, and you should call the police right now.”

Teen: “I’m thirty, you know.”

Me: “And as soon as you prove that, you can buy your… mudshakes.”

Teen: “Mudshakes. Right.”

(He leaves the store and goes back to talking with his group of friends. A second teenage boy then walks into the store and stands in one of the wine aisles, pulling faces and scratching his head. He grabs a few random bottles, and then approaches.)

Teen #2: “I would like to purchase these fine wines for my sophisticated dinner party with my work friends tonight.”

 Me: “ID, please.”

(He hands over his learner’s permit, revealing that he is 17.)

Teen #2: “They got my year of birth wrong; I’m really 23.”

Me: “I strongly doubt that.”

Teen #2: “Can I at least buy the mudshakes? They’re basically just chocolate milkshakes.”

Me: “No.”

Your Friendly Local Tobacconist

, , , , , | Right | December 30, 2018

(I am working on the service desk. We normally don’t have this particular register open, but when it’s really busy, somebody stays around there to serve customers only wanting to buy cigarettes. I have just served several customers from a long line of people when this happens.)

Customer: “Do you sell cigarettes here?”

Me: “Yes, we do. We sell have all the major brands.”

Customer: “Oh, all right. I wasn’t sure if the people in front of me were your friends or something and you were showing them what you smoke.”

(The customer turned and left without buying anything. I still have no idea how to process this.)

Expecting Millions But Only Got 132

, , , , , , | Related | December 29, 2018

(I am about eight years old. It is about nine am on a weekend morning and I am still in bed, half-asleep. Suddenly, both my parents barge into my room, waking me up.)

Dad: *eagerly* “[My name]! Quick! What’s 11 times 12?”

Me: *utterly bewildered and slightly terrified* “Wha?”

Mum: “Come on, [My Name]! 11 times 12! What is it?”

Me: *hesitantly* “132?”

Mum: “See? She knew it!”

Dad: “Yeah, she would have gotten it.” *leaves the room with my mum*

Me: *completely baffled*

(I found out later that they were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” and one of the contestants had gotten to a very high round but, to my parents’ astonishment, ultimately lost because he couldn’t figure out what 11 times 12 was.)

How Many People Can You Fit On A Bike?

, , , , , , | Working | December 28, 2018

(I purchase a bike for my daughter for Christmas and pay the $10 assembly fee. It is a Monday. In the toy department:)

Toy Department Staff Member: “Our bike assembly guy comes in on Fridays. He’s supposed to give you a call after he’s done, but he’s been pretty slack with that lately, so just give us a call on Friday afternoon and we will check that it’s done and tell you when you can come and pick it up. Just take this docket to the registers to pay and fill out your details for the pickup.”

(At the registers:)

Cashier: “Our bike assembly guy comes in on Tuesdays and Saturdays in the lead up to Christmas. He’s pretty on top of things and will give you a call when he’s ready, so expect a call on either Tuesday or Saturday.”

(I get no call on Tuesday, and by the time Friday afternoon rolls around, I decide to give them a call to see.)

Phone Person #1: “Our bike assembly guy comes in on Thursdays, so it should be done. Can I get your name?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Phone Person #1: “Okay, I’ll just pop you on hold and make sure.”

(Hold music.)

Phone Person #2: “Hello. I’ve taken over your call. It was something about a bike?”

Me: “Yes, I purchased a bike on Monday and I’m checking to see if it’s been assembled yet.”

Phone Person #2: “Can I get your name, please?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Phone Person #2: “Okay, I’ll just put you on hold while I make sure it’s here.”

(Hold music.)

Phone Person #2: “Are you there?”

Me: “Yep.”

Phone Person #2: “What did it look like?”

Me: “It’s a child’s bike, purple with green on the seat and handlebars.”

Phone Person #2: “We have a lot of purple bikes here. Do you know the product number? It would be an eighteen-digit code that was on the box.”

Me: “You have the box.”

Phone Person #2: “Hold, please.”

(Hold music.)

Phone Person #3: “Hi. Can I get your name, please?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Phone Person #3: “Okay, I’ll just put you on hold for a moment and see if I can locate your bike.”

(Hold music.)

Phone Person #3: “I believe I have found it. Would you like to pick that up today?”

Me: “Yes.”

Phone Person #3: “Great, I’ll take it down to our loading dock. Just go there, ring the pickup bell, and have some photo ID ready.”

Me: “Did I need to bring anything else?”

Phone Person #3: “No, just the photo ID you gave when you made the order.”

(Half an hour later, I am attempting to collect the bike at the loading dock.)

Loading Dock Staff: “Receipt.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Loading Dock Staff: “The receipt for the bike; I need it to sign off.”

Me: “I was only told to bring my ID.”

Loading Dock Staff: “We don’t accept ID. We cannot release the product to you until you provide your proof of purchase.”

(I drive home, find the receipt, and drive back to the store.)

Loading Dock Staff: “Got the receipt this time?”

Me: “Here.”

Loading Dock Staff: “I’m not signing off that you’ve taken it until you can prove to me that you can fit it in your car.”

Me: “It will fit.”

Loading Dock Staff: “I’ll be amazed if it does.”

(I have a small car, but the bike fits easily into the back seat; it is a children’s sized bike, after all.)

Loading Dock Staff: “That’s not what I meant, but cool. Have a Merry Christmas.”

(I have never encountered a store that needs a team meeting anywhere near as badly as this store appears to.)

Hopeless, Not Homeless

, , , , , , , | Related | December 22, 2018

(There is a guy that stands near my local supermarket every day, asking people for money. I don’t really carry cash on me; I just use my card. Whenever he asks me, I just say, “No, sorry,” which is usually fine, except on this day.)

Guy: “Any change. Any spare change, ma’am?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

(As I’m walking away just loud enough for me to hear, he says…)

Guy: “F****** stuck-up b****.”

(This pisses me off. If I ever have spare change, I’d much rather give it to a busker, who’s actually doing something for their money, rather than someone who just harasses people.)

Me: *turning back to him* “Excuse me! What the h*** did you just call me?”

Guy: “You heard me. Look at you, driving a fancy car, wearing expensive clothes, but you can’t help out someone that’s struggling with a few dollars.”

Me: “Can I ask you something? How much do you make a day?”

Guy: *condescendingly* “I don’t go home without making at least $50.”

Me: “Okay. I’m guessing that you get [government pension] and you live in [government housing]?”

(He nods slowly, trying to work out where I’m going with this.)

Me: “So, you get about $900 a fortnight from [pension], and then if you make $50 a day, that’s $700 a fortnight, which totals around $1600 a fortnight. So, you’re doing better than I am. And that’s before you take into account the fact you get incredibly cheap rent, pay next to nothing for medications, and don’t pay taxes. So, even though I work, you actually make more money than I do and pay cheaper rent. So, how about helping someone struggling with a few dollars?”

(By now there are a few other shoppers, homeless people, and the security guard from the supermarket watching and listening, and people start laughing at the shocked look on his face. Someone says, “S***, I’ve been giving him money for months when he’s better off than me!”)

Guy: “What? This is bulls***! You’re nothing but a stuck-up s***. You think you’re smarter and better than me.”

Me: “Well, you’re obviously pretty smart in one way: for months, if not years, you’ve been harassing people out of their money, while doing nothing for it. But you’re right; I do think I’m better than you, simply for the fact that I work for everything I have and don’t expect people to just give me money every day.”

(I walked away and got in my car with the guy yelling obscenities at me. For the next few days, I avoided that supermarket. When I did go back, the guy was nowhere to be seen, but the security guard came up to me to tell me that after I’d left the guy had started shouting at the gathered crowd and then took a swing at the guard. He was charged with assault and threats to kill, and given a trespass order for the whole street. While I know it’s not easy not being able to work and living on a pension, it doesn’t mean you have a right to abuse people when they won’t give you money for nothing.)

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