I have seen Multi-Level Marketing in action. Even without realising the pyramid underpinnings, I do not like their business practices. I instinctively guessed they would tell you to lie to your friends.

A school friend is studying at the same university as me, but we are in different faculties, so we only see each other a few times a year — usually at mutual friends’ parties or campus groups we are both a member of. This is before mobile phones, let alone social media, so calling someone requires some effort, as we both have to be home and no one else can be using the phone. A call from her is not shocking, but a little surprising.

Friend: “Blah, blah, business opportunity… Blah, blah, presentation at my house Wednesday… Blah, blah…”

Me: “It’s [MLM Company], isn’t it?”

Friend: “No, it’s not [MLM Company]. It’s an excellent opportunity you will be excited to be involved with.”

She continues with further entreaties and cajoling.

Me: “Okay, I’ll come. But if it turns out to be [MLM Company], I will immediately leave and never talk to you again.”

Friend: “It’s [MLM Company].”

I have been trying to tell my girlfriend I love her for a couple of weeks. We are playing video games next to each other at her place. I am also painting my nails, so I have been using my chin to play my game.

She looks at me struggling with my game.

Girlfriend: “I love you.”

Cue us both looking at each other in panic.

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry!”

Me: “Did you mean it?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, of course.”

Me: “Okay, well, I love you, too.”

Girlfriend: “I feel bad; it could have been more special.”

It was a very “us” moment. It made me feel really special that she saw me acting weird and her first thought was that she loved me.

I’m shopping at a popular superstore that’s having a really good sale on kitchenware. I’m replacing some cooking utensils when a young couple approaches me.

Young Man: “Excuse me, but I was wondering if this would melt?”

He points to an all-plastic turner.

Me: “If you leave it in the pan, yes, but I’ve you’re just cooking, then no. If I can make a suggestion, I’d go for this one.”

I pick up one made of metal and plastic.

Me: “It’s better quality and only fifty cents more.”

Young Woman: “Thank you, we’ve just moved into our first place and don’t really know what we’re doing.”

Me: “You’re welcome. I have some time to spare. If you would like, I can help you out.”

Young Man: “Thank you, we’d really appreciate it.”

I spent the next hour helping them pretty much set up their whole kitchen. While some things were a little more expensive, I saved them money on others. I found out they were international students who had just moved out of the dorms into their first apartment together and neither had lived on their own before.

When we went our separate ways, the young woman hugged me and they both thanked me profusely.

I’m sitting at home watching TV when I hear sirens approaching, and it sounds like they’ve stopped quite close to my house. Curious, I head outside and see fire engines stopped at the house two doors down. My next-door neighbor has also headed outside to look.

Me: “What happened?”

Neighbor: “Oh, the people in that house, they’re idiots! Do you know what they put in the backyard? A Gilligan hut!”

Me: “Gilligan hut?”

Neighbor: “A straw-roofed hut, like on Gilligan’s Island! And do you know what else they put in the backyard?”

Me: “What?”

Neighbor: “A fire pit! How did they think that was gonna go?”

The fire brigade’s presence certainly provided enough of a clue as to how it went.

This is back in the 1970s when I am a young teen. At the time, local calls within the city are very cheap, but long-distance calls that require a 0x prefix are not. Basically, a call beginning with 0 is expensive; one that does not is 20c for unlimited talk time. There are two exceptions to this: 000, which is the emergency number, and the recently introduced free call 008 numbers.

Our home phone number begins with an 8. For simplicity, let’s say it’s 88-7777. Numbers were short back then.

The phone rings. I am alone in the house, so I pick it up. I do not sound like an adult, and I am definitely not using a business voice or business language.

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Is that [Insurance Company]?”

Me: “No, you’ve rung a private residence.”

A few minutes later, it rings again. 

Caller: “Is that [Insurance Company]?”

Me: “No, it’s still a home number. What number were you dialing?”

Caller: “00887777.”

Me: “That’s our number if you take off the two zeros at the beginning. We are not an insurance office.”

I hang up, but seconds later:

Caller: *Now angry* “I want to speak to [Insurance Company]!”

Remember, I am a kid, and I have never worked in an office.

Me: “I think your phone system is ignoring leading zeros to stop you dialing interstate or international numbers.”

Caller: “I don’t understand why you won’t let me speak to [Insurance Company]!”

Me: “You are ringing our home. I cannot help you. You will need to contact your switchboard to place this call. Goodbye.”

Seconds later…

Caller: “Put me through to [Insurance Company]!”

Me: “I have no way of doing that. Talk to your switch. If you don’t stop calling, I will have to report you to Telecom as a nuisance caller.”

I can’t remember if it stopped then or if there were more calls. I don’t think I had to resort to making an official complaint, but it was close