The Name Doesn’t Go Down Smooth

| NC, USA | Working | November 17, 2016

(I’m in the treatment room of our animal hospital, holding the leash of a dog while my coworker grabs nail clippers for the dog. One of the doctors rushes in with a dog.)

Doctor: *to Coworker* “Can you hand me some…” *gestures to the basket of various sprays and bottles*

Coworker: “The what?”

Doctor: “The squeeze!”

Coworker: *tentatively reaches for the isopropyl*

Doctor: “No! The goopy-goo!”

Coworker: *grabs the Quik-stop*

Doctor: “AUGH! Just hand me THE LUBE!”

That Plan Is Balls-Out Insane

| USA | Friendly | October 27, 2016

(I’m dropping off our young rottweiler to be neutered, Our community has a great spay/neuter program that is both affordable and helps support a local rescue. While I’m filling out the intake form, a man and his wife come in to pick up their dog. The man sees my rottie sitting next to me and starts asking about him.)

Man: “Now, there’s a dog! We have a little dog right now, but eventually I want one like that!”

Me: “Thank you, he’s a good boy.”

Man: “What are you in here for?”

Me: “He’s being neutered.”

Man: “WHAT?! Why would you want to cut his balls off?! He’s a real dog. He needs ’em!”

Me: “Uh… well for one thing, he’s a rescue and it’s part of the agreement with the rescue group that he be neutered. Also, it’s the responsible thing to do.”

Man: “Just look at him! He knows why he’s here and he’s upset!”

(I look at my dog, who is currently chilling out without a care in the world, despite the crazy man yelling next to him.)

Me: “I think he’ll be fine.”

Man: *grumbles* “Well, at least get him some fake balls!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Man: “Yeah, they make fake ones you can have put in, only about $3000 or so. Give your dog his confidence back!”

Me: “Sir, I can promise you I don’t have an extra $3000 lying around, and if I did I wouldn’t be spending it on fake testicles for a dog who will not even notice once they’re gone.”

Man: *still grumbling* “But he’s a real dog!”

(Thankfully, the vet called me back after that and the couple was gone by the time I left. Our rottie did just fine, and is still his perfectly goofy self even without the ability to reproduce.)

Even The Dog Would Have Got It By Now

| LaMarque, TX, USA | Working | October 21, 2016

(I am the customer and I have to set-up an appointment for my new dog to get spayed, micro-chipped, and caught up on current vaccinations. In order to set-up the appointment, the clerk needs my dog’s name and other information.)

Clerk #1: “What is your dog’s name?”

Me: “Patience.”

Clerk #1: “Payton?”

Me: “No, Patience.”

Clerk #1: “Patient?”


Clerk #1: *still confused* “Can you give me a sentence with it?”

Me: “Okay, you know how when you talk to someone and you have PATIENCE with them?”

Clerk #2: *towards [Clerk #1]* “It’s what he is having with you right now.”

(Clerk #2, Clerk #3, I, and the other ten customers begin to laugh hysterically.)

Clerk #1: *embarrassed* “OH!, PATIENCE! Oh, my god, I’m so sorry.”

Me: “It’s all right.”

Cat Should Have Caught Her Tongue

| Tampa, FL, USA | Working | October 17, 2016

(We have just had to put our cat to sleep after being diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer and having seizures as a result of being unable to breathe well. Months later, we have decided to adopt another cat who we see on an adoption site, and we take her to get a full exam and work-up to make sure she’s healthy. We’ve been going to this vet practice for years because the whole staff is amazing. Today we’re seeing the owner’s daughter, who is a recent graduate and addition to the practice. I’m waiting with my cat in the exam room when I suddenly hear her loud voice from the back room.)

Doctor: “Who’s in there? Oh, my God! You know they just had their cat put to sleep like THREE MONTHS AGO? Can you believe she already GOT A NEW ONE? It’s like, oh, wow, I loved that cat so much; can’t wait to replace it!”

Assistant: “Well, she and her husband have been coming here for years. They take such good care of their pets. That’s one lucky cat they’ve adopted. They fought heart failure for a year and a half with the cat before that last one with us. I wish everyone did as much for their pets as they do.”

Doctor: *in a flippant, mocking tone* “Apparently they mean SO MUCH to them they can’t wait to pick out a new one!”

(A minute later she comes in all smiles and friendliness, apparently completely unaware I’ve overheard.)

Doctor: “And how are WE today? And who is this you have?”

Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to do the exam in the hallway?”

Doctor: “I’m sorry?”

Me: “I mean, these walls are so thin, you could communicate everything to me just fine from back there and I’d hear every word. And yeah, you’re right, you ARE sorry.”

(I was fuming, but speaking in a low, hard voice. The doctor went white as a sheet and started stammering before saying she had to “go check on something.” Unsurprisingly, she never came back, and instead a different doctor we’d seen before came in. When I told her what happened, she was immediately horrified and apologetic, and said the owner had already had to reprimand his daughter before about her “bedside manner.” We still go every year to take my cat for checkups and shots, and surprisingly, that doctor is still there, but whenever I see her, she always turns bright red and ducks into the back room. Hopefully she’s learned to be a bit more empathetic in the future… or at least how to keep her opinions to herself.)

Looks Like This Is Your Cat Calling

| TX, USA | Working | October 11, 2016

(We’d just adopted two adult cats from our local shelter and took them into the closest vet’s office for a general checkup. The vet first looked at our quiet, black cat and quickly announced she was extremely sick. What we’d taken as quietness was actually her masking her illness. Ten minutes later he’s run a bunch of tests and determined that, with a course of strong antibiotics and rest and food, she’ll be fine (and she is!) but had she been in the shelter even a day longer, she probably would have died. After that panic he turned to our other cat, a huge 18lb sweetheart. He poked around for a while and then pressed and held his finger right at the cat’s stomach.)

Vet: “That’s weird.”

Me: *every worried thought running through my head*

Vet: “No, that’s really odd. I don’t know…”

Me: “He’s sick, too, isn’t he?”

Vet: “Sick? Oh, no, not at all. It’s just that most cats won’t let you prod them like that.”

(He’s still the chillest cat I’ve ever known. The other cat, the one we got because she was so quiet, turned out to be part Siamese and tells us so at one in the morning. At least she’s healthy now!)

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