The Worst Possible Flea-ting Moment

, , , | Healthy | April 29, 2019

(I have a cocker spaniel with a lot of allergies and a skin condition that makes her very itchy. Her regular vet prescribes allergy shots for her. A few times we don’t get to see him but a newly-graduated vet who is working there temporarily. All she does every appointment is to try to refer us to specialists. She does this so much that we are starting to think she is getting kickbacks from them. One time, we get her when we are there for my dog’s allergy shot.)

Vet: “She’s just itchy because she has fleas.”

Mom & Me: “No, she doesn’t.”

Me: “I just checked her this morning. No fleas. And she’s had a bath.”

Vet: *rolling her eyes* “It’s just fleas. She doesn’t need an allergy shot.”

Mom: “Dr. [Regular Vet] prescribed them. We want her allergy shot.”

(We watch as a flea crawling on the vet herself jumps from her to my dog. The vet only sees the flea now.)

Vet: “I told you she had fleas!”

Mom: “We saw that flea crawling on you! Now, we want her allergy shot.”

(The vet continued to argue and tried once again to send us to a specialist, but we finally got the shot, only after a lot of huffing. Mom complained to the regular vet as soon as he was free and told him how this one was always trying to send us to specialists. He seemed rather angry with her when he heard this. We never saw her there again.)

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Not Feline These Vegetables

, , , , | Healthy | April 27, 2019

(A woman comes in with her sick cat.)

Woman: “I don’t know what happened. She was very healthy when I adopted her.”

Me: “Did she eat something she shouldn’t have?”

Woman: “I am very careful about what ends up in her tummy. I make sure she gets only the best vegetarian meals.”

Me: “Excuse me, vegetarian?”

Woman: “Oh yes, I cannot stand meat consumption.”

Me: “Ma’am, cats are strictly carnivorous. Did your cat say she was okay with converting to your lifestyle?”

Woman: “Of course not, animals can’t consent… Oh…”

(I’m still getting headaches when I try to understand why that woman had to be told what I told her. The cat was held at the animal hospital until it was in good health and ready to be adopted. The woman agreed the cat was better with someone else. I’m vegetarian myself, but I would never feed my snake vegetables. Piece of advice guys: if you are vegetarian or vegan and won’t even feed meat to your pet, please get a herbivorous pet.)

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What About Betty, Bette, Barbara, Bennett, And Bergman?

, , , , | Friendly | April 16, 2019

(A long-term client has just come in with their new dog. A few months ago they had to euthanize Birdie because of cancer and Bogey was lonely, so they got a new puppy that they haven’t named yet. They ask for ideas. I’m a high school student and both my coworker and the clients are both much older.)

Coworker: “Well, how about calling her Eagle? Keep the golf theme going.”

Client: “No, we want to avoid golf; too many memories of Birdie.”

Coworker: “So, no theme, then…”

Client: “I’d like a theme; I just can’t think of anything that goes with Bogey.”

Me: “Bacall.”

Client: “What?”

Me: “Bogey and Bacall — Humphrey and Lauren. Y’all were actually alive when those movies came out. You’ve seen them, right?”

Client: “I have, but when did you?”

Me: “My dad is a high school teacher, and for as long as I can remember, any time he made a reference in class that a student didn’t get he would come home and make sure I did. I also know who Fred and Ginger are.”

(Lauren — they decided Bacall didn’t fit — and Bogey got along great. And my coworker was happy to find someone to discuss old movies with.)

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I Poultry Effort To Get In

, , , , , | Healthy | March 17, 2019

(I’m just having one of those “glitch in the Matrix” weeks, where weird things keep happening out of the blue. This is just one example. I work in a vet clinic. It’s Tuesday evening. I’m the only staff member still at work, and we’re less than an hour from closing. The vet has gone to her other office for the evening, and we’re only still open for pickup — meds, patients, etc. The door opens and a woman walks in.)

Me: “Hi. How can I help you?”

Woman: *smiles confidently at me* “Oh, hello. I am here with my chicken.”

Me: *sure I heard wrong since we don’t treat livestock* “I’m sorry, your chicken?”

Woman: “Yes. She is sick.”

Me: “I apologize, but we don’t see livestock here. And the vet is not here currently. But you may want to try [Larger Emergency Vet Hospital]; I believe they see livestock. I can give you their information if you need it—”

Woman: *suddenly enraged, her face turning violently red* “NO! I was told you see chickens!”

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize, but we, unfortunately, do not have a vet who treats livestock here. I recommend trying to see if [Larger Emergency Vet Hospital] is able to see her.”

(Getting redder by the moment, she shoves the basket with her chicken in it in my face; she’d had it under the raised counter where I couldn’t see it.)

Woman: “YOU NEED TO SEE MY CHICKEN NOW! SHE IS SICK!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, but there’s nothing I can do. Even if my vet was here — unfortunately, she isn’t right now — she doesn’t treat chickens. Other than referring you elsewhere, I can’t help you.”

(She shoves her chicken in my face again. It is getting increasingly upset each time the owner violently swings her basket into my face.)

Woman: “YOU ARE WRONG! I WAS TOLD YOU CAN SEE CHICKENS!”

(I open my mouth to repeat everything again when the woman abruptly makes a frustrated screech to cut me off. Clearly aware she’s not going to get her way, she stomps out. Then, from the hallway, I hear:)

Woman: “THIS PLACE HATES CHICKENS!”

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Unfiltered Story #140374

, , | Unfiltered | February 15, 2019

(My fiancée is a veterinarian. She is nearing the end of an appointment for a dog that has been vomiting and not eating well. The dog is a neutered male. Note: male dogs have glands next to the penis that are similar to prostate glands.)

Owner: Oh, and I have one other question…

Fiancée: Okay, what’s your question?

Owner: Sometimes I put my hand on my dogs belly area and the two round things next to his penis get bigger and bigger and I hold him tight until he feels all better. Do other people do this?

(Her instinct was to yell, “WHAT? are you serious? No, people do NOT do that!” Fortunately, her answer was more professional-sounding:)

Fiancée: Well… People do lots of things, but usually, no.

Owner: Oh okay. Thank you. I can ask you because you’re a lady doctor and I couldn’t ask a man doctor about this.

(When relating this story, my fiancée said: “If you need to ask a question like this maybe you shouldn’t be doing it at all.” I don’t have her education, but I wonder if the dog’s medical troubles were actually just disgust at its owner.)