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Pulling A Not So Fast One

, , , , , , | Right | March 26, 2010

(In California, we have laws that ban certain animals as being pets. Our shop is legally required to notify police when one comes in.)

Customer: “My poor ferret is sick!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What is your name?”

(The woman tells me her name.)

Me: “I’m sorry for the trouble, but you can’t own a ferret in this state. I’m going to have to report you.”

Customer: “What? You can’t tell me that I can’t have a pet!”

Me: “Ma’am, ferrets are illegal in California by state law. They’re still considered a threat to local birds.”

Customer: “Fine!”

(She walks out and comes back in less than five minutes later.)

Customer: “I have a bunny who isn’t feeling well.”


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They’re Not Zits, But They Rhyme With Them

, , , | Right | February 19, 2010

(A customer walks up to our front desk in the waiting room area and places a kitty carrier on the desk.)

Me: “Hi, do you need an appointment?”

Customer: “Uh. No. I just need some acne cream for cats.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

(The customer pulls a cat out of the carrier and sets it on the desk.)

Customer: “See? She has acne on her belly.”

Me: “Those aren’t acne. Those are nipples.”


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A Lack Of Common Scents

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to know how much it is to de-scent my cat. He was a stray that was eating our other cats’ food and we decided to keep him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t de-scent a cat. He may be spraying to mark his territory, and if he is, we can neuter him.”

Customer: “I assure you my cat has scent glands! He backs up to furniture, marks them, and if you startle him, he will turn around and try to mark you! And he’s mean, too! If you try to come near him, he growls and tries to bite.”

Me: “Ma’am, cats don’t spray when startled usually. Are you sure it’s a cat?”

Customer: “Well, yes.”

Me: “What color is it, ma’am?”

Customer: “Black and white.”

Me: “What do his markings look like?”

Customer: “All black with two white stripes down its back.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is not a cat. That is a skunk.”

Customer: “Well, you have obviously never seen a cat before!” *hangs up*


This story is part of our Take Your Cat To The Vet roundup!

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Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor

, , , , , | Right | September 2, 2009

(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

And Here’s To You, Fido Robinson

, , , | Right | July 28, 2009

Me: “Hello, Mrs. [Customer]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m very upset because you have my dog’s name before my last name here on this check-in sheet!”

Me: “Well, that’s because we print out the pet’s first name and your last name so we know who the pet belongs to.”

Customer: “But this is horrible! It is though you are saying I am married to my dog! I’m not into bestiality!”

Me: “No, it is more that we are trying to say that you are like the pet’s parent.”

Customer: “You are saying that I gave birth to a dog?!”

Me: “No… I’m really sorry, but the computer prints out the pet’s first and the owner’s last name. It is part of the system and I cannot change it.”

Customer: “It’s the computer’s fault?”

Me: “Yes. I am so sorry, but I cannot change the program. It does this for every pet.”

Customer: “Then black out the name on the paper so nobody thinks I am married to him!”


This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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