Ah, The Wonders Of Osmosis

, , | Right | June 24, 2009

(A customer comes in to discuss care of his elderly, very ill cat. We talk about keeping the cat warm and hydrated.)

Customer: “So, I have this idea… I thought that if I put the cat in a bath, she’d stay warm and not be thirsty.”

Me: “Well, sir, I don’t think that that would be a good idea. She’ll get cold once you take her out of the bath. Also, putting her in water isn’t going to help her stay hydrated.”

Customer: “You mean that if I’m thirsty and I take a bath, I’ll still be thirsty when I get out?”

Me: “Yes, that is what I’m saying.”

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Mistaking Kitty For Kujo

, , | Right | May 25, 2009

(I work at an animal hospital, which also helps adopt out strays. It’s a slow day, so I walk into the lobby cradling a kitten for anyone that is interested.)

Customer: “Is that your cat?”

Me: “No, this little guy is one of our strays. He needs a home.”

Customer: “Do you have any stray dogs?”

Me: “Yes, we have a couple of dogs that are available for adoption. However, we have more cats and they are easier to walk around with.”

Customer: “Never was a fan of cats. Dogs are always so friendly and loyal. You could die in your chair and your dog would just lie right next to you until they died too. A cat would probably start eating the flesh off your bones!”

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Going Bananas

, , , , | Right | October 29, 2008

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that! I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class. That will–”

Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his balls off!?”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

(Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

Veterinarian: “Now, [My Name], I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Veterinarian: “Well, let’s not have this happen again…” *turns back to the customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we do, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

Customer: *storms out*

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The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To Get Neutered

, , , | Right | September 15, 2008

Me: “Animal hospital. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

Me: “…what, sir?”

Caller: “Prostitute dogs. Do you have them there?”

Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “My dog wont stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “That’s bull-s***. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

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The Devil Is In The De-Tails

, , , , | Right | August 29, 2008

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make an appointment for a dismemberment.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want to bring in my dog for a dismemberment!”

Me: “Oh! You must mean a distemper shot.”

Customer: “Yes! Now, when can I get my dog dismembered?”

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